We carry these things inside of us. That no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors. And drown us out at sea.
Anxiety.
I never really understood the term as a kid. My mother had it her whole life and still to this day she does, but I never knew why. After I learned the story of my father and who he was, I assumed it was the main reason for her to always be so anxious about everything. Maybe it was because I didn't really know the reason of her stress or I just too young, but whatever it was that made her get so nervous had also got passed down to me.
I hated it. Everything I do is always followed by fear of somebody saying something back to me or calling me out on something. Meeting new people terrified me, especially considering most of the people I had meet held weapons of combat with them at all times. But I knew there was nothing I could do about it, I could try to avoid it but you really can't when you have it as bad as I do. It is completely out of my hands.
You can never control the way you were taught as a child. You can't control the way that the people who are around you acted towards you. You can't control the people who love you and the people who hate you. You simply just can't. We adjust everything in our life that we possibly can at any time we want, but we can never altar the way we were brought to this world or the people that fill it.
I grew up living in a patriarch household. My mother never worked a single day in her life outside of the house. She cleaned, cooked, and ironed all day, much like the predicament I am in now with Harry. My father used to go out and work the entire day from six in the morning to six at night. None of us kids really went to school, my father told me that all I really needed to learn was from my mother and at the time I didn't really know what he meant but I went along with it anyways. My brothers went out with my dad to work with him to carry on our name.
When I was younger I didn't know that our family was different, I didn't understand, I still don't up to this day. I never really perceived the reason to why me and my mother were never aloud out of the house without one of the boys. I never understood why my brothers were driving at the age of fourteen while I had to wait until I was well over sixteen. I especially didn't grasp the concept of my brother being able to drink alcohol with my father when they were thirteen while I wasn't aloud near a single drop.
It was odd to me and I never dared to questioned it because of the one time I asked, I had gotten in trouble by my father and was sent to my room. After that I was scared that I would get in even more trouble and never brought it up again. But it didn't stop there it only got worse as I got older. My role became more visible as the days past. Once my father died it had started to become even worse as my brothers were basically in charge.
The second they came home, me and my mother had all the food prepared and ready for their hungry stomachs. Day after day it happened until they left for a job out of the area. After that we really had nothing else to do except worry. We did get calls which gave us some closure but it was never enough. It was scary, we already had one down and the last thing we needed was second or third.
We managed on what we had, which was not much because the lost income of my father's death. I thought our life was normal and everybody had something in their life that was difficult, but I knew nothing. As I grew up I only grasped a small concept of why my life was the way it was. My mother had to be very obedient as well as us kids towards my father because if it didn't happen the way he wanted to, it would be even more stress on him.
I guess what they did was stressful, maybe it was but I never really liked being in a household ran by my father. It always had to be quiet at all times, especially after he got home from work. In some ways it was extremely similar to how Harry is, I guess it is tiring for everybody, but it is different when it was my father who demanded the discipline. He was my father I had no choice but to listen to him. Harry on the other hand was completely opposite.
Never did I think I would let Harry walk right over me like he does. I was completely terrified of the extreme power he has and as well as his anger. I guess he reminds me of my father in some ways. He was very strict and dominating, always demanding well behavior from everybody around him. Most of his anger fueled by his stress and never letting a single person tell him what to do.
Sometimes I think Harry forgets his own strength. I am most definitely not defending him in anyway, I am just stating what I think is the reality of who Harry is. In some ways, I wish I knew Harry better so I could get an understanding of who he is and how he got to the point he is. Never in a million years will Harry Styles sit down and discuss his life story with me, but I wish I knew at least how he got into the Savage.
My assumptions is Harry had a rough childhood, that is the only conclusion I could draw from his character and his actions. Maybe somebody inflicted pain on him when he was a young boy or he was just left to grow up by himself. Both are completely out of his control. If he did grow up poorly it would only make up half a reason for him being the way he is. The other half would him being just an utterly rude man who knows how to shoot a couple guns.
It was weird to think about, the way of how people could be brought up so differently. How every household had a different way of maneuvering. Some kids were allowed to rule their house, while others could barely speak a single word. The thought was powerful enough to make me drop everything and let my mind envision everything. Everybody grows up differently.
My book had been carelessly sitting on my lap, while the hot tea that I had made earlier was resting on the table. I had been completely ignoring the shower that I had to take, I was too consumed with my thoughts and the blankets wrapped around me were too warm to leave. But I needed to take a shower, I had been around a sick Harry all day and the last thing I needed was to get sick myself.
I groaned and kicked the blankets off my body and shivered at the cold air as it nipped my skin. My feet padded their way over to the towel I left in my room before grabbing a single pair on white panties. I left the room and into the bathroom that was across the hall. My eyes couldn't help but glance towards Harry's room, he had been hiding in there since the boys left and I haven't heard a single word from him since I wasn't allowed into his room.
My only guess was that he was sleeping or sorting out stuff from work, either way I would never be able to know because of this rule of not being allowed in his room. In some ways I wish I could see what his room looked like at least once, but I really didn't want him to do to me what he did to that girl when she went into his room.
Once I was in the bathroom, my towel and underwear were thrown onto the bathroom counter as I turned the shower onto the warmest setting. I stripped my body of all the remaining clothing pieces but before I stepped foot in the shower, I examined my body in the mirror. Since I had arrived at Harry's I had gained much needed weight. Now as I examined myself in the bathroom mirror, I realized I had gained a couple extra pounds.
My stomach was beginning grow larger as small rolls appeared if I slouched. The cups of my bra had gotten seemingly tighter and the skin at my hips had thicken slightly. When I turned to the side, I noticed my back-side had more round and had a harder struggle to get into my once too big jeans. Many would cringe at the thought of gaining a pound, but I am the opposite. I liked the extra weight on me, it made me feel real.
With a satisfied feeling, I pulled my body into the warm shower. It was weird, ever since I was smaller I always like the feeling of cold showers because of the heat from where I lived. Now that my new living environment is much colder, I had begun to enjoy the pleasure of a nice hot shower. I never knew that the warm showers could relax me as much as they do.
I let the water run down my entire body, before finally making a move to wash my hair, with the fresh thoughts from earlier clouding my brain.
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Author's Note:
This is a filler chapter bc the next one it going to be HUGE!!
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