"That's right, baby, that's it... put it all in your mouth..." I tell her, but I don't feel as good as I did with Reva.
"Get up," I tell her, and she obeys. "Put your hands on the desk," I command her, and she does it.
It's fun to dominate...
I lift her tiny dress, and I have a view of her ass. I take down her thong. I wear the condom quickly, and I stab her hard. In return, I take her thunderous groan that declares her allegiance to me.
I slowly come out of her and get in again with force. My hips slap her ass and make her bounce off the desk. I lean over her and immobilize her hands. I press them hard, and I go back inside her.
I'm winning her last groan, and that means I made her finish. I get in and out of her quickly, and I finish.
Reva and I are done together... always.
Damn it, Dorian, shut up! You're fucking someone else now.
I throw the condom in the basket, and I lift my pants in a hurry.
Claudine's like an idiot. She's bent over in my office trying to find her breath. I slap her in the ass so she'll come around. She lifts her underwear and takes her dress down.
She makes a move to... kiss me? Seriously now? I'm pulling back abruptly with disgust. After Bridget, the only woman I ever let kiss me is Reva.
"Miss Claudine, nice talking to you," I'm telling her ironically, so I can get her the message that she can't hope for more than I can.
She was good for a fucking, no doubt. But no love, no bullshit. She blinks quickly. Alright, I get it... she's trying to figure out what I told her.
What was she waiting for? Propose to her because we fucked? I'm laughing so hard inside...
I'm kindly showing her the front door of the office. She takes an awkward look at me, and unspoken comes out. She'll think I'm one of those men who, with her perseverance and love, will make me love her, too.
Oh, my God, I will throw up tonight...
The office door opens and Claudine comes out by straightening her dress. I'm not well! God, what happened in there? Did he fuck her? I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes.
But now you see it... I see it, I answer to my inner voice. A sudden migraine is pounding in my head. I see Claudine leaving the casino.
If I make the second scene of jealousy with Dorian, what happens? He dumped me and left because I asked him to speak about his treatment. Now, what will he do if I ask him for an explanation?
Can I go in there and face him coolly? Can I take it? Can I take another mess inside me? I have a reason to, don't I?
I mean, he cheated on me right in front of me. I can't explain Claudine's visit there with him any other way right now.
I drink the rest of the drink in one go, and I take the liberty of approaching his office. I'm exchanging a confirmation look with Stephan so that I can get in. He knocks on the door and announces to me.
"Sir, Miss Reva is here," he says awkwardly.
The minute I hear her name, I get on my nerves. I get so angry. Who tipped her off? I wonder if she saw Claudine coming out of here a while ago. Fucking Stephan must have done it. He's fucked! I look at him in such a way that I'm sure he already got my message.
I see her coming in slowly. She looks sad and very serious. Oh, I'm so sick of these faces! They act like you've committed the biggest crime, and they're ready to stand you up on the dock.
"Reva, come on in," I say simply.
I'm sure she'll tell me to talk about our relationship and where this is going between us, that I don't care about her or any of that classic bullshit. I don't feel like talking about this right now.
I see her sinking into thoughts as she slowly sits in the chair. Now we're talking! It's Showtime. I'll let her say whatever bullshit she wants, and I'll just ignore it.
"Well, why did you come? Didn't I make myself clear at the club?" I ask her, to get out of her thoughts.
I'm more than arrogant enough to give her the message that she's not going to be what she wants. If she wants to have me, it's gonna be with my way.
"To be honest, no, Dorian. You weren't clear enough. Can you tell me exactly what you want?" she asks me.
That's weird. I've been waiting for the classic nagging that women do.
"About what?" I ask to buy time.
"About us," she tells me, and she just started this stupid conversation.
"There is no 'US'. There never was," I'm cutting off straight to the idea that we are something more than we already are.
We're just what we do well. Good sex. Indeed, very good... but that's it.
"Dorian, you asked me to feel; to feel you when you get close to me; to feel you when you touch me; to feel you when you get inside me; to feel you when I don't see you," she says with remarkable temper.
She doesn't scream or cry. Good, ' 'cause I couldn't take the drama right now.
"Yes. I did. So what? Do you think you can control me now? You could never, Reva, believe me," it's probably one of the few times I've spoken frankly.
No woman will ever be able to control me again after Bridget. And in general, I can't understand this shit with control...
She's shocked, I can see it in her eyes, but I love that she keeps her temper and doesn't blow up. She lowers her head, thinks about it for a while, and then stands up.
"Reva, what did you expect now? To tell you that if I need to I would die for you and stuff like that?" I give her the parting shot because if she's falling in love with me, it's gonna be very hard for her to get over me. I don't want to hurt her anymore, she's a good girl. She just got more courage with me than she should.
She's looking right at me. No hate, no anger; not even tears. No, no... I know that look... don't fucking look at me like that dammit!
"It's not about dying for me. But if you would live for me," she says in a calm voice and disappears like a whirlwind in front of me.
What just happened? Did she reject me with dignity? I hate that dignity! I've seen it before. Bridget! She left like that and never came back. Although it was her fault, her flight was spectacular.
Reva didn't do anything to me. Sure she's not like Bridget, but didn't she hurt at all? Did she leave without being hurt? How did I let that happen?
No, damn it, I'm gonna be in pain now. No! Straight to my balls; I'm not hurting for any of them. She was this chick we used to fuck good. No more, no less.
I come running out of there and I try to hold on. The fresh air hits my face, and I feel free. My breaths are short, and I'm trying to calm the wound that opened up in my soul.
I find my car and I get locked in there. I'm slumming on the steering wheel and releasing a scream I've been holding for a while.
Calm down, my wound, calm down... You've been through this before. You'll get over it now...
Hot tears cloud my gaze and warm my icy cheeks. I feel cold sweat on my body, and this trembling in my hands doesn't stop.
You understand that feeling now, don't you?
This is the moment when the whole world seems to have fallen apart. An endless attack yourself that is screaming how stupid you were to believe the lies. False feelings. It's the moment when trust collapses even in yourself.
Memories bring up Dorian's rehearsed lie. He knew exactly what he was doing. No, God, I don't want to live that again. I don't want my whole life turning around Dorian, and everything else not mattering.
No, that's not right.
It scares me the very idea that he would possess the first thought in my mind, the dependence on my continuity.
And now that all this meaning has spread its wings and flown, who am I going to live for?
I'm cold... his lie froze me.
While I was in front of him and listening to stab me with his indifference, all I had to do was stay calm.
His every gaze is a slap in my dreams.
His every move is a punch in my butchered hope.
His every word, a denial that hurt inside me stubbornly.
Everything inside me.
If Dorian saw what was going on in that fucking moment inside of me, he wouldn't hesitate to give me the death blow.
I wept, but I didn't cry. I was dying, but I was alive. I know it's gonna hurt till the end. But I'll still be alive.