It's been at least an hour since Layton left me, sprawled out in my own distress.
I can feel myself physically shaking as I try to sit up and collect myself.
The party ended hours ago, once the police kicked people out, I think everyone left to continue the party elsewhere.
That's what normally happens. Nobody came looking for us. I wish they had. They should have.
The once happy looking room now seems dull, Layton left the lights on whilst he was above me-staring down at me.
But now the darkness of what happened in this room is covered by the moonlight- Layton decided to turn the lights off when he left me.
Pretty fucked.
There's an uncomfortable ache in my arms and my back and when I look down at them I can already see the emerging of bruises that told the tail of harsh fingers.
This ache though, is nothing compared to the knifing pain I feel in other places across my body. All I feel I can feel is the pain, I can't even start registering what just happened. Everything else is numb, my head I mean. I just feel hurt, and shocked.
I needed help.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I grip the mattress and think about calling for help. My phone is somewhere across the room, he tossed it away from me. I could call Jay, I need him. Or Nora, or Jess or... It dawns on me then, what happened.
Layton raped me.
I don't want anyone to see me like this.
Call it pride, fear, embarrassment, shock whatever; I needed to get help and I didn't want it from anyone I knew. They couldn't know.
I didn't know what else to do, other than try and temporarily plaster myself together and find someone else that could help me.
My body is honestly so battered, I've never been the subject of violence before. Any type of violence. But I used to hate it then, let alone now. After this.
Why did he..?
Looking down at my body, I shakily try and pull my skirt back down, as I stand on my feet.
The room spins at the edges as I stumble to the door. My clothes are partially ripped, torn for access, and I'm pretty sure my once perfected makeup is smeared tragically across my face.
The hallway towards Jay's room is painfully long and all I wanted was to grab a jumper, something to cover me on my way.
Unconsciously, I had decided to go and get help.
I had no where else to go. I had to go to the police or I guess to the hospital. I wasn't sure what was closer. I only knew where the police station was from here. But getting there was what was taking me a while. It took me so much energy to muster up the courage to get myself out of the room, into Jay's, down the stairs, out of the front doors.
But I did it.
And as I walked aimlessly towards the direction of the station, I can't keep from thinking about everything that just happened. I can't stop my brain from running over and over the events of tonight.
I was numb.
And so unbelievably torn apart.
Why did he...?
The weather was harsh this winter, and although it's edging into spring, it was still cold enough to see my exhausted but broken breath in the air in front of me.
It was sunny today, the first time we didn't shiver coming out onto the field this football season.
He complimented me earlier. On my cheer uniform, said I looked good. I fucking thanked him, winked.
Oh my God.
What the fuck just happened?
But yeah, it was cold. Walking. Whereever I was going- it was cold on the way.
The cold reminding me that I was alive. That I survived.
I survived.
What was left of me... That was a different matter.
I know I will probably be frozen by the time I get to the police station, but right now all I can feel is a disgustingly prominent burning all over my body.
Alright, Ivy take a deep breath, you've got this.
The lights of the police station are dim and I am suddenly afraid that they weren't going to be open, but as I hover outside the doors slide open and the lights blind me out of my dazed state.
I was in so much damn pain but for the first time in the last few hours, I finally felt safe.
As I stagger towards the desk I'm greeted gruffly by a middle-aged man, he is wearing the uniform but hardly looks up when he hears me stumble in.
But I guess my silence was unusual in a police station reception desk and as he peered over the desk his eyes widen.
I guess they must recognise the look on my face.
Things get a little blurry from there to now.
They took me to the hospital. So here I am, sat in a doctor's examination room with a cup of tea and some stale cookies that I knew I wouldn't normally eat.
We don't eat shit, that's a rule, me and my friends have. Healthy foods keep us on top.
But I was in shock, shaky, apparently I needed to get my sugar levels up.
They had taken me to the hospital and I was taken into a private, secure room. We filed an initial report and a haze of medical staff have been in and out of the room.
Some looking at me with much more sympathy than others. I wasn't sure what I hated more, the sympathy from the nurses or the distate from others.
They finally called in what I guess is the dedicated officer that deals with sexual assault. So Larry, who was the first officer to see me, dissapeared and it was so much easier when it was just me and Lotta. Her names Lotta, the officer, she took up a lot of space.
I mean this literally and metaphorically. She filled the cold sterile room with a slight warmth that made me feel less alone. Like it was us they doctors were coming in and talking to, visiting, it wasnt just me.
They did all their examinations and I can't remember feeling anything other than the dull burning that hasn't yet stopped since earlier.
I think I was numb, lifeless maybe.
Earlier I thought I was going to die, right now I am not sure I hadn't.
But in my daze of figuring out whether I was dead or alive, I did manange to catch onto the slight nod the nurse gave towards Lotta, the officer on my case.
I guess that means they believe me. That they have gotten what they needed.
Fuck.
Finally, I'm given some spare clothes and a bag to place everything I was currently wearing in. Evidence bag, I think they called it.
Lotta has left me to get changed and as she gently went to close the door to give me some privacy, she said she was going to find me something more appetising to eat.
I didn't want to eat. Why are they trying to feed me?
Getting changed, I am ashamed to admit I did it with my eyes closed. I didn't want to look at myself. I could feel his touch on me.
Honestly, I just wanted a shower but I wasn't allowed one yet apparently.
The door crept open and she returned empty-handed and I sighed in relief.
"It appears the canteen is shut as it's so late." she smiled at me kindly. "But don't worry, someone is going out to get us something."
I stare at her. I honestly don't care.
I want to hate her, I don't know why I just feel obliged to not like the person I'm having to confide in. But she is inconveniently good at her job. She is warm and she isn't looking at me as if she is scared of me. Unlike the other police officers.
They looked as if they were afraid of me. I think it was the risk of having to cope with me if I was to break down. I hadn't broken down. I don't even know if I had blinked.
"Ivy? Is that ok: to wait a little bit for food?" Lotta asks and I lift my exhausted eyes to meet her big brown ones.
I nod a little. "It's okay, I'm sure I'll live." I try to muster a reassuring smile. But it failed, I think I felt my lips twitch. I'm not sure.
"You will live you know, believe me, I can feel how strong you are just by coming here, we can all tell you're going to get through this." Lotta speaks and I just frown a little to myself. I hope she says that to everyone, otherwise what about the girls who don't come straight away-are they weak? I only came here because I didn't know what else to do.
I couldn't go elsewhere. I couldn't go home. Not like this. Oh God, it's been hours, where is everyone? At Max's? I am going to have to just say I went home.
I was supposed to be staying at Jayden's.
Fuck, Jayden.
Where did he go?
Lotta is looking at me expecting an answer.
"Ok."
I'm being blunt, and I know this, I just can't bring myself to get the other words out.
"Okay, I am going to be straight with you as I feel this is very important." Lotta says and takes a seat opposite me, looking at me with so much sympathy that I almost didn't recognise the emotion. People don't look at me with sympathy. No one's ever felt sorry for me before.
She sighs. "We found traces of semen when we examined you earlier, this indicates that your attacker-"
I squirm, literally turning away from her as if her words were attacking me. I feel sick immediatly.
"-Layton Wright" I interrupted her, choking as his name comes out of my throat unconsciously. May as well say his fucking name.
"Yes Layton, this may indicate that he didn't use any protection. We would like to screen you for any infectious diseases, and may I ask are you on birth control?"
That son of a bitch- you know that feeling you get at the top of your stomach, the nauseating feeling that usually indicates that you're going to be sick.
Well, that's all I could feel now, well that and the burning pain.
I don't want to speak about this. I don't- I'm done. It's fine. I'll figure it out, I should leave, this- this is mortifying.
He didn't... I've never been with anyone like that before. Jay and I always used full protection. The same with my other ex's.
The pain rose and burned me there. I blinked away the blurriness, I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to show her that I wasn't going be able to cope with this.
"I feel sick" I spoke softly, softer than I think I have spoken in years. I'm known for being blunt, being bitchy. I'm known for spitting fire. I think Layton stole this fire and gifted it back to the devil.
"I know, I'm sorry for asking. But we want to prevent any more suffering for you. Do you think you'll be sick?"
I shook my head no. Yes. Maybe.
This heaviness on my chest was suffocating me.
"No, I don't think so." I breathe and drag my fingers through my hair. But even the feeling of my own hands in my hair makes me shiver in disgust. I place my hands firmly back into my lap and nod to myself. Answer the important question.
"I am on the birth control, and ok. Can I take a shower yet though? I need to...clean"
She looked at me sympathetically. Again.
"Yes, there's a private shower in the bathroom. I have all the evidence we need. I am going to give you the morning after pill as well, it's up to you if you take it though. After your shower how do you feel about contacting your guardians? I know you said no at the beginning but if I was your mother I would want to know that you are safe. Does that sound ok?" Lotta asks and slowly manoeuvres to her feet.
I follow her movement and breathe deeply. This whole process was almost over.
"Yeah." I answer. "But what about the... what if he gave me something?"
She meets my eyes. "We will give you a course of antibiotics now. But we will also give you a follow up appointment to make sure you are clean in about a month."
"A month?" I whisper.
"Yeah, sometimes things do not show up-"
I just rub my eyes, decing to stop listening and I hope that it doesn't offend her.
I guess it doesn't because as she guides me over to the bathroom and explains to me how to use the shower, she's still kind warm. Then I realise that I am going to have to be alone, naked. And the words spill out of my mouth before she leaves me to it. "Can you stay, in the room as I shower? I know it's weird but I don't-"
She nods in total understanding "Yes of course. It's totally reasonable. Don't worry".
...
I think I showered for a good 30-40 minutes, just cleaning.
And cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.
I felt disgusting.
And I felt ashamed, but I don't even understand why.
He was the one who did the shameful act. He should be the one who is feeling ashamed.
Was he?
After I got out of the shower, I redressed into the spare clothes I was given, and I walked out into the room where Lotta was waiting patiently.
I think her official name was Officer Davis, but she told me to call her Lotta.
"How are you feeling now?" She asked. As if a shower can magically wash away all the shit that is going round and round my head.
One major stressor being: what on earth am I going to tell people about this?
"Better. Thanks."
I feel like my words are contradicting everything that is going around my head.
"It's just gone 4 AM now, I just phoned your parents and explained where you are. I didn't explain why but if you don't want to tell them yourself, I can do that for you."
" I didn't want them to know- they're gonna be so... stressed" I complain, I knew rationally that they would call my parents. I had just turned 18, it was my choice but they were my emergency contacts. I wonder if Layton's parents have been contacted.
She spoke again, and it broke me out of my trance, I need to keep my thoughts clear away from him. "I know, I am sorry. Did you want me to explain what happened to them?"
I didn't want her to, I wanted to be strong enough to do it myself, but I know my limitations.
And explaining my forced sex life to my mum and my dad isn't something I feel able to do.
"Yes, please." I whisper, I am becoming soft and it's awful.
I was discharged then. From the hosiptal. She took me back to the police station, upstairs, it was busy in the main reception. But yeah Lotta took me upstairs into this room which had huge crystal clear windows out into the hall and not much later I watch behind a window as my parents rush into the police station, being taken upstairs by an officer.
My mum looks angry- she is the spitting image of what I want to look like when I'm older. She has thick dark wavy hair and it descends well below her shoulders. My hair is thick and dark but doesn't curl in the same way hers does.
I don't allow it, I straighten it probably every day.
She's probably angry as she thinks I'm in some sort of trouble- I guess you could say I am.
She probably thinks I've been arrested along with the guys for doing God knows what. That happened once, drinking, and she won't let me forget it.
My dad, however, looks concerned.
He's going to be the one that struggles with this the most. My mum says he used to be a right rugged type in university. That he was tough and dangerous, she says that when I came along, he melted.
I get my looks from mostly my mum, but I guess the hard-shell personality I'm acquiring could be seen as similar to my fathers.
I was sat behind a screen. A different officer just came and took another statement from me, I think Lotta noticed that if I was poked or prodded anymore, I might just scream. So she sent them away. They went and spoke to my parents.
I honestly wanted to scream.
It might make me feel better.
Well, honestly it might make me feel something. I was still in shock.
Lotta- I mean Officer Davis walked out to meet them and shook their hands. And quietly guided them into a private room and about 10 minutes later they walk out.
It almost breaks me when I see them. My dad looks broken. I can see he cried.
My mum, well she looks angry. I hope to God it's not at me because I swear, I cannot deal with her yelling at me for being irresponsible right now.
As I try and take in a small breath, tears are already brimming at the edges of my eyes. They havent even entered the room yet. I swallow them back down, blinking into the light to contain myself.
If I let myself crumble, I would collapse, explode. I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for the carnage.
When Lotta brought them up to see me I couldn't meet either of their eyes. The door slowly was pushed open and I felt their eyes burning into me. I felt as if I was sat there naked. For them to see every bruise, every mark, that was scolded upon my skin by him. I felt vulnerable and for the first time since he pinned me down. I let tears fall from my eyes.
"Oh honey" My mum breathed as she came and sat across from me, my dad followed her, but he didn't say anything, just stared at me in pain. I hate that they're hurting.
Why was I stupid enough to get myself into a position like this?
My mum reaches across to my hands, but I quickly pulled away. I don't know why. Impulse, I guess. I didn't want to be touched. But as I watch them exchange a look of panic I know I have to pretend like I can deal with it. For them.
So when my dad meets my line of sight and pushes his hands shakily forward towards mine I don't have any other choice than to put my hands in his. They both smile slightly, looking at each other for support.
I was trying not to scream.
My parents have never been the most present people. But I do know they love me, and I know that they're probably in a lot of pain right now.
"How are you feeling baby?" My mum asks.
I - I don't know.
"I just want to go home and sleep." I all but whisper to her.
I needed to go home and have some time to myself.
To order my thoughts and figure out how to continue with life without letting this violation control me. Change me.
I think it's already too late for that.
"Okay Ivy we'll take you home soon" She looked up to Lotta, her voice falling cold. "Have you arrested the boy yet?"
Lotta glances at me and shakes her head.
"We have been unable to locate Layton tonight, we're doing all that we can do to find him though."
"Layton? As in Jayden's Layton? Luca's brother?" My mum asks me shocked and I close my eyes at the thought of everybody. Our friends.
I just nod once.
My parent's knew him. He's been at my house. They all have.
He's probably left the city. He realised after a while of me sobbing, what he had done. He fled. I knew it.
And I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be stupid enough to wait and see if I reported him.
Layton's face invaded my mind and I shivered, I wonder if it will now be there with me forever. His face. Fuck.
"We haven't told his parents what he is wanted for, just that he is wanted by the police and that it is a very serious matter." Lotta informs us.
My mum rises out of her seat and shoots Officer David a glare. "Why on earth didn't you tell them, they're probably hiding him and if you told them they'll be just as disgusted by his actions as we are-they'll help you catch him."
Lotta smiles sadly as my mum. "Kindly, Mrs James, I know the different reactions we can receive from people about this sort of incident and for the criminal trial it is more effective for us to keep details away from parents/loved ones until the defendant is caught."
I think this settles my mum, and my dad is still silent. He hasn't let my hand go through and I'm not quite sure if he will.
I would like him to stop touching me.
"Okay, so where do we go from here?" This is me talking now. But I hear my voice as if it's foreign to me, I hear my mums voice as if she's sitting millions miles away from me. What a mess.
It feels as if I am slowly losing all of my composure.
"You can go home now but there will likely be more visits and interviews from this day moving forward. If you choose to press charges-"
My dad interrupts in a croaky voice. "We'll be pressing charges."
Lotta's eyes leave my dad's and go back to mine.
"If you choose to press charges, we'll conduct the meetings at your house." She says and nods at my mum and me. "You may leave now, I will be seeing you tomorrow though Ivy to make sure everything is ok."
I slowly nod and rise to my feet.
I'm shaky but I think it's from exhaustion- not the fact that I feel pretty emotionally crumpled.
But I mean, it could be.
This is so inconvenient.
My dad doesn't let go of my hand as we walk out of the police station.
The drive home is silent apart from the whispering of my parents in the front seat.
It's a 10 minute or so drive back to our house and I don't wait for the comfort of a bed to take me into the darkness.
I let the darkness engulf me and I hope this is just me only falling asleep.
Not some metaphorical darkness that is going to prevent me from coping with the shit show that was last night.
A/N: What did you think? Gosh poor Ivy, right?
Thinking Question: What do you guys think prevents people going to the police to report sexual assault? Fear? Shame? Stigma?