I was already in tenth grade when I first showed improvements in my grades. After being an average student for so long, who would have thought that after all, ang anak ng corporate genius na si Alfredo Gererra, at ng isa sa pinaka-gifted sa buong pilipinas na si Alexandria Ynnigo-Gererra ay mana nga rin naman talaga sa mga magulang niya? All those years, people always wondered why I wasn’t as smart as my parents. Ano raw ba ang meron ako na kayang pumantay sa narating ng mga magulang ko. I remembered mom’s face after I showed her my record. It was telling me that the moment she had been waiting for has arrived. That her patience with me was finally beginning to be rewarded.
That it will only take a little while before her dream for me would finally come to life.
But then, I also remembered papa. Hindi man lang niya tiningnan. He dismissed it as if a stranger has just showed him the latest chika about some random celebrity, taking another phone call without even excusing himself. On the outside, I was showing them that I took the improvement as a normal thing. Na inaasahan ko rin naman na hindi maglalaon, my potential will have its own way of revealing itself. Na para bang nakuha ko ang lahat ng iyon nang walang kahirap-hirap and none of this was a big deal.
But as I locked the door in my room, I just lost it. I just felt so tired. All those sleepless nights that I spent trying to catch up with everyone and be one step ahead was slowly killing all the positivity I should have had. Hindi ko na nga rin alam kung saan ba ako humugot ng kapal ng mukha. Halos sa lahat na lang ng teachers nagpapansin ako, just so they could see me, just so they could like me. Para kung ano mang magandang marka ang ilagay nila para sa akin, magiging magaan ito sa loob nila.
Nothing that I have achieved has been natural, sadyang desperada lang talaga ako. And somehow, when papa showed that he never cared, parang sinampal ang katotohanang iyon sa pagmumukha ko. You’re not extraordinary, Rynn. Isa ka lamang trying hard genius na pilit ipinagsisiksikan ang sarili niya sa mundong hindi naman para sa kanya.
And then came senior high, and later, Kuya Jasper arrived. He showed me everything I never was. Everything I wished to be. Ngunit sa halip na mas lalong malugmok dahil may bagong pumasok sa buhay ko na magpapamukha sa akin kung gaano ako ka walang kwenta, hindi ko alam, but his presence somehow motivated me. All of a sudden, may taong dumating na napakagaling ngunit napakabait, napakamapagbigay, napakamatulungin and he was always there for everyone. And then along with that was his natural skills, and I thought, kaya siguro ako hindi masaya sa kung ano ang ibinigay sa akin ay dahil sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko. Dahil sa isang aspeto ng mundo lang ako nakatingin.
He made learning a lot more fun for me, challenging the skills I’ve learned while not boasting his own. He also seemed naturally interested with the knowledge I got from books. All of a sudden, hindi na ganun ka-pilit ang pag-aaral para sa akin. Isa sa nagpabuhay ng kalooban ko ay tuwing naiisip ko na kinabukasan, kailangang may baon akong magpapa-impress kay kuya; kailangang may trivia akong dala na makakapagpamangha sa kanya. And then it would just seem like both of us are playing a little game of wits in school.
But then I crossed the line. I began to like him. Worse, I began asking questions.
I also used to respect his privacy. Alam naming lahat na hindi kami tatalikuran ni kuya Jasper tuwing kailangan namin siya, but beyond that, he preferred his own company. I learned a thing or two about introverts and I understand that it is how they recharge, that all these energy could also be draining for them. Ang kaso, I began to delude myself that somehow, I can be special enough to break his walls and let him open up.
Nakalimutan kong hindi nga pala ako extraordinary— hindi pala ako katulad ni mama at ni papa. I’m nothing special, not even to someone as sympathetic and as kind as kuya Jasper. At the end of the day, I’m just like everyone else.
Si Lexie lang ako.
Now, being on this hospital bed made me laugh at my own pathetic self. Hindi na nga espesyal, pabigat pa. I wonder how my mom is feeling right now. Maybe she will show that she can manage, that everything is alright,
but deep down,
once again,
and as always, alam ko.
I’ve made her feel down.
“Lexie? Lexie anak, gising ka na pala. Why didn’t you call mama? I was too worried. Kamusta ang pakiramdam mo? May masakit pa rin ba sa’yo?” Mama’s therapist pushed her wheelchair to my direction.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang aking sarili.
“I’m sorry mama.” Sambit ko habang unti-unting tumutulo ang mga luha.
“Sorry saan? Shhh… don’t cry, baby. Alam mo namang mas nasasaktan si mama kapag nakikita kang ganyan. Huwag ka ng mag-isip, ok? This is not your fault.” She said while wiping my tears with her thumb. But they still kept on coming. All those time of hiding it all inside are having their sweet vengeance right now.
“Ma, please be honest with me, ha? Kapag nagiging pabigat na ako sabihin mo lang. Kapag may kailangan pa akong gawin, kapag may grade na gusto mong abutin ko, kapag kailangan mo ako sa tabi mo after I’ve recovered, kapag nagiging loser na ako sa paningin mo, please don’t hesitate to speak to me. Kahit sigawan mo pa ako mama, I’d gladly take it.”
My mom’s brows furrowed. Tila hindi maintindihan kung bakit iyon ang pinagsasabi ko.
“But why would I do that? You’re my baby. Hindi ko nga matiis na pinagsasabihan ka ng hindi maganda ng ibang tao, tapos ako pa mismo ang magsasalita ng hindi maganda sa’yo? I love you for who you are Lexie. You are one of the biggest blessings that came to our life. Please don’t ever think otherwise”
Such beautiful words. I know my mom believes that with all her heart. But not me. I deserve a lot worse for being so useless.
“But mom, look at me. Wala akong kwentang anak. Napilayan ka nang dahil sa akin. Because I was so useless you had to save me on that car accident. And then, pagiging magaling sa school na nga lang ang pwede kong gawin pero hindi ko man lang magawa nang maayos. I cannot even afford to win something big that would cause the school to recognize me, while my name should have been everywhere in the campus like yours.
I cannot even give you the only thing you’ve wished for me. Pagkatapos, as if I’m not useless enough, I also had to be extra pathetic make you feel this worried.”
Natabunan na ng mga luha ko ang magandang mukha ni mama. I was whimpering for all the things I never turned out to be. For all the shame I brought upon myself. Bakit pa kasi sa dinami-rami ng pwedeng maging anak ni Alexandria Ynnigo, isang katulad ko pa? Bakit hindi ko magawang maging kasing galing ni kuya?
Kahit anong pigil ni mama, hindi ko magawang huminto sa pag-iyak. Hindi naglaon, ang munting hikbi ay naging matinding hagulhol. My sobs became too intense that I couldn’t understand myself anymore. Bakit ako nagkakaganito?
Hindi ako tumigil. Hindi ko kayang tumigil. My whimpers turned to hiccups and my cries got even louder. Hanggang sa hindi a ako mapakali.
Iyon pa rin nga ba ang iniiyakan ko? I’m crying like I lost someone so dear to me. I’m crying like I just lost an arm, a leg, a lover. And without knowing it,
I started screaming.
I was screaming and crying so hard that my mom began to panic. Ngunit mistulang hindi ko siya nakikita. My heart is somewhere else, but my head is in an abyss. Para akong naglalakad sa gitna ng mga bangkay at napapalibutan ng apoy. I kept on bawling and my mind continued to take me somewhere I couldn’t identify.
Just when my mom’s therapist began heading outside to call the doctor, I felt my head begin to throb. Again. This time, it’s not as bad as earlier, pero sobrang sakit pa rin. It stopped my screams but it intensified by breathing. Hinawakan ni mama ang aking kanang kamay, but I can’t tell how she feels because I don’t feel like my mind is still with me. I was panting while shutting my eyes so hard with my left wrist in between them when suddenly,
Something flashed inside my head na nagpatigil sa akin. Hindi ako sigurado kung ano ito. Ito na ba iyon? Ang bagay na iniiwasan ko simula noong maaksidente kami?
I saw a massive explosion. And then I heard screams and cries. And then I saw a guy, barely twenty, running in front of me. Hindi ko makita ang mukha niya, but his back looks so achingly familiar. When I opened my eyes, it was mama’s pale face that I could see.
“Ma?” I asked weakly. May kung anong biglang bumagabag sa isip. “Paano nga ulit tayo naaksidente?”
Mom looked at me with surprised confusion. But I can tell she somehow relaxed a bit dahil nga huminto na rin ang panic attack ko. “We had a car accident, baby. But please, don’t think about that right now. You need to rest.”
“B-but—” I was about to say something else ngunit dumating na ang doctor ko. He was Dr. Buenaventura, our own family’s physician. He was also a neurologist and a cardiologist. Our family has been relying on his services for years. There’s no way I couldn’t trust this doctor.
“I don’t think she still needs to be sedated, Doc. Humupa na rin naman ang panic attacks niya.” Usad ni mama habang tinitingnan ako. Tumango naman si Doc.
“So I could see.” He looked at me briefly before asking, “Kamusta ang pakiramdam mo, Lexie?”
“Medyo masakit pa rin po ang ulo ko. Pero nawawala na ho ‘yung hindi maipaliwanag na kirot kanina”
“Is that all?”
Should I tell them? I know they only care for my well-being but a part of me wants to keep this to myself.
“M-may nakita ho akong isang… isang pagsabog.” I couldn’t help revealing. May gusto rin kasi akong malaman. But I kept the information about that random guy. Anyway, I don’t think it will make any sense if I tell them.
Mom's eyes widened a bit with what I said, but Dr. Buenaventura seems to feel like it's alright.
“I see. It could be a memory fragment from the car accident. Iyon lang ba ang nakita mo?”
Tumango ako. But I don’t think it was still about the car accident. The explosion I saw was too huge for a mere car.
But who am I to tell? I have no memory left of that accident—
and all the events before it. Not even my childhood and early teenage memories.
“Doc, is there still a chance na bumalik ang mga alaala ko?” Malungkot kong tanong. Frankly speaking, hindi na rin naman ako umaasa. That’s why, I’ve always tried my best to live as if my current memories are all that I had. Ayoko nang pilitin. It may have been better, more cheerful and siguro andun din yung mga moments namin ni mama noong magaling pa siya. Pero hindi na rin naman mababalik ang mga iyon.
Somehow, I’ve trained myself not to dwell on things that will never be mine.
Ngunit dahil sa nakita ko kanina, biglang nagsilabasan ang mga tanong sa utak ko.
“Actually, yes, Lexie. The pain in your head might just be a good sign. But don’t get your hopes up for now. Also, be very careful not to stress yourself too much. Those episodes might be very dangerous if left unchecked. For now, you need to rest that head more than anything.”
Binigyan na lamang ako ni Dr. Buenaventura ng ilang gamot bago pansamantalang namaalam. For a while, I couldn’t look into mama’s eyes. Sobrang kino-konsensya ako. Ngunit nang nagsalita siya, sobrang gumaan din ang loob ko.
“Lexie, I know what you’re thinking. I know you feel like a failure, like you don’t deserve to be our daughter. Trust me, I know. But I just want you to remember ‘nak, that the reason why I also want you to be excellent is not just because I want you to live my own life, or that you need that as a validation to be an Ynnigo-Gererra. It’s because gusto ko ring maranasan mo iyong pakiramdam na tinitingala ka ng ibang tao. You may not be the smartest person in the world but seeing you achieve things on your own way with your own effort, sobra sobra na iyon para sa akin.” Naluluhang tugon ni mama.
“And there you are, trying really hard. You weren’t just given all that you have achieved as a gift. All those respect. You earned it on your own. Sinong magulang ang hindi magiging masaya nang dahil ‘dun?”
Ang akala ko ay naubos na kanina ang aking mga luha. But I was wrong. This time, it poured in such a silent, bittersweet way. After everything, ngayon ko lang naramdaman na tama ang ginawa ko. Na may saysay ang pagpupumilit ko.
And somehow, the beautiful feeling clouded whatever question I was still supposed to ask about the accident.
Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko ngunit dahil sa magandang pakiramdam na iyon ay bigla ko na namang naalala si kuya Jasper. What mom said sounded a lot like what he would tell me kapag sinabi ko ang lahat ng iyon sa kanya. Miss ko na rin talaga si kuya. Ilang linggo na rin kasi akong dumidistansya sa kanya, and the more I turned away, the more I felt guilty. Kuya would still look at me with such kind and apologetic eyes, na para bang may malaki siyang kasalanang nagawa just because of that one simple outburst and a little confession about how he values his solitude.
I have actually forgiven him probably long before he felt sorry. Pero kasi, I also don’t want to be recognized as pushy and head-over-heels smitten. Alam kong masasaktan lang ako kapag hahayaan ko ang sarili kong hanap-hanapin siya— kapag hahayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog nang tuluyan sa isang bagay na wala namang patutunguhan.
But at a time like this, when I have finally heard that one thing I’ve been longing to hear for years, parang sa kanya ko agad gustong sabihin ang lahat.
My thoughts were interrupted when mom and I heard a knock on the door. Wait, the doctor and nurse both just left. Who would come here now?
Wait, could it be—
Mom’s therapist opened the door to reveal someone I never thought would appear at a time like this:
Tristan.
***
“Wait, Jasper dahan-dahan naman please!” Halos matapilok na si Trixie sa kakahabol sa nagmamadaling kaibigan. Hindi man lang ito lumingon, bagkus ay mas binilisan pa ang paglalakad. Tumakbo na lamang siya at nang umabot ay hinarangan ang daan.
“Teka nga, huminga ka nga muna! Kakachat lang niya sa gc, hindi mo ba nakita? She’s doing fine now so pwede ba, kumalma ka diyan dahil kahit matangkad ako hindi ko parin kasinghaba iyang biyas mo!”
“Anuba!” Inip na sambit nito habang tinitingnan ang wrist watch niya. “Tabi nga riyan.”
“Jasper, makinig ka nga sa akin!” Nang tumingin si Jasper ay biglang naging seryoso ang mukha ni Trixie. Pabulong at maingat na binigkas ang susunod na mga salita. “There is a big possibility na andito ngayon sa ospital ang Sir A ng kalaban. Ang ultimate boss, Jasper.”
When she still couldn’t see the reaction she wanted, she countined, “Ang taong balak nating patayin.”
Hindi umimik si Jasper kaya’t nagpatuloy siya. “Kanina lang Jasper, they saw him making his way here. Most likely ay may dadalawin.”
“Alam ko. So?”
“So, kapag nakita niya tayo rito, it’s game over for all of us, Jasper Sevilla! Remember, ang buong akala niya ay patay ka na. And even if you have tampered on every document para lang masigurado na ibang tao ka na, your face will eventually reveal itself to him. Now is not the time para bigyan siya ng pagdududa. When you’re ready, you’ll face him as who you really are. BUT NOT TODAY. At alam ko na hindi ka pa marunong magtimpi ngayon, so don’t lie to me that we’re not risking anything here. What would Kuya Jonathan say? What would the organization say?”
Huminga nang malalim si Jasper. Biglang bumalik sa kanyang alaala ang pag-uusap nila ni Jonathan.
“Fine. I’ll be careful. But we better get going at baka kung ano na ang nangyari kay Rynn.”
Napailing na lamang si Trixie at wala sa loob na pinagbigyan ang kaibigan. Her friend is definitely obsessed. He is too in love for his own good. Too in crazy for their mission. All this time, she saw how he had been holding back.
Ilang beses na rin niyang nakita si Jasper na halos mabaliw kapag hindi siya pinapansin ni Lexie. And it made him even more insanely frustrated knowing that he cannot do anything about it.
Ilang beses na ring halos isang pitik na lang ay mag-eeskandalo na siya sa classroom. Hindi man nakikita ng iba, but Trixie knew better. Jasper always seemed so close to just grabbing the clueless girl all of a sudden and kiss her in front of everyone. But he always tried to gather himself together and do what needed to be done, and avoid her as much as he could.
Pero tama nga si Jonathan. His feelings for Lexie had been too deep to not affect the way he handles himself.
Nang nakarating na sila sa room na sinabi ng nurse sa reception, nakita nilang medyo nakabukas ang pinto. Jasper nervously smiled and made his way to the door, when all of a sudden,
They heard Lexie’s melodious laughter.
Along with Tristan’s corny jokes.
Natigilan si Jasper. He peeked through the little opening of the door and saw Rynn and Tristan laughing alongside each other, talking about something na parang sila lang ang nakakaintindi. Rynn’s mom was also on the side watching them, looking so satisfied with what she was seeing. Suddenly, a realization hit him.
“Are you ok?” Tanong ni Trixie, kahit alam naman niya ang sagot.
No, he was not ok. He was far from ok. Seeing her so happy like she doesn’t need him. Like she never really needed him. Na para bang ipinamumukha sa kanya na nasa ibang mundo siya. Na para bang isa siyang napakalayong liwanag na hindi mapapasa-kamay niya kahit anong pilit niyang akyatin ang tuktok ng kalawakan.
He remembered what his kuya have said:
“This foolishness runs in our blood. Kaya ngayong ako ang nakakapag-isip nang maayos, please lang pahalagahan mo rin ang mga sinasabi ko. Kung talagang gusto mong samahan ako hanggang sa dulo ng labang ito.”
Subconsciously, Ryu took a step back. And then, he heard his most favorite laugh in the world.
He heard the laugh that was too sweet for him, and saw the light that was too bright for his internal dungeon.
The light that he was about to lose.