Its been almost a month since Jordan took me down to the waterfall. Since then there's been no more parties because everyone has been really busy. A few days after the party I started my mixed martial arts lessons. On my free time I take a boxing class for even better self defense. My aunt Bonnie says she's never seen someone move up so fast in all her years of teaching. She's the one who taught me and still is, the business is hers. What she doesn't know is that I will use these skills when I go back to school at the end of the summer. Sometimes I even help with the younger students and get paid for it.
Over the past month I have become what Jordan would call fearless. I don't think about my life before this summer anymore. I still have yet to talk to anyone about it but I think he knows I'm keeping something from him, everyone does. Aunt Bonnie has tried to talk about my raggedy clothes before but I always change the topic. I never know how to explain things to her. How do I tell her that her sister and brother in law just up and abandoned me at eight years old. One of these days when she brings it up I'll slowly start to open up to her about it.
It's a Saturday morning and I still have yet to get out of bed. There's plenty of things I could be doing today but since I have arrived here I have been up and busy non stop. My muscles constantly scream from all my working out. I'm going to have a lazy day. Its official. No one has bothered me yet today which is surprising. Maybe Jordan forget about me... no way because he never has. Groaning and rolling over I glanced at the alarm clock and my eyes bulged out of my head. 10:10!! I've never slept in this late unless I was really sick at home.
Swinging my legs over the bed I grudgingly got out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. I turned the radio on and the shower. Wash the sweat off me from last nights night mare. Since I've arrived I have had night mares every night but have grown used to them and don't wake up screaming anymore. Not once have I cried either. Tears are only evidence of fear and weakness. No longer am I weak ad I vow to never be again.
"I see your fantasy you wanna make it a reality baby....
Back off I'll take you on! Headstrong to take on anyone. I know that you are wrong. Headstrong! Headstrong!
Back off I'll take you on. Headstrong to take on anyone.
I know that you are wrong, and this is not where you belong. I won't give everything away."
The song Headstrong by Trapt came on. This is one of my favorite songs. it's a good song to work out to. I took a long relaxing shower. When I got out I darted into my closet and grabbed a bra and underwear set. Black lace is sexy in a guys eyes. Over the past month I have learned a lot about fashion from my aunt. Since my first week I haven't needed any help with my make up. I can do anything from simple to smoky eyes.
"Hey there sexy" I screamed and spun around in a fighting stance ready to attack. Sighing when it was only Jordan I went back to looking for clothes to wear. He always manages to sneak up on me. Never has a guy seen me in this minimal of clothes but for some reason it doesn't bother me. He doesn't look at me like he does other girls. He says I'm like a sister which is good because I only see him as a brother. I have always wanted a older brother and now I have one. He never stares at me weirdly or ogles me in a perverted way. He always glances and simply compliments me.
His hair was tousled like he hadn't brushed it yet. He had a gray v-neck t-shirt on and a pair of dark wash pants on. He looked sexy. Any girl would be lucky to date a guy like him; he has looks and an amazing personality.
"So what are we going to do today"
"Uh well you can do what ever you please but today I am taking a day off and being lazy." I pulled a pair of ripped jeans off the shelf, they were the only thing I saved from my old life. They stilled smelled of my old life. I couldnt help but let the emotions slip through.
"Whats wrong?"
"nothing silly, why do you ask" I grinned at him and threw on a light blue t-shirt. I sprayed my self down with my favorite cucumber-melon perfume.
"you looked like you were remembering something" he gave me a pointed look.
im not sure how much longer I can avoid my past. My family is noticing that I dont talk about my life, feelings or parents. I dont want them thinking differently of me and feeling bad for me.
ive changed so much and ive become so strong and more independent. I can stand up for my self now and look in the mirror without feeling ugly.
Today I left my hair down and it fell it soft waves about half way down my back. its grown a lot and its healthy now.
The girl in the mirror looked strong and confident in her self but her eyes showed the pain and anger from her past.
Today was going to be a bad day I could tell... ill make the best out of it. Seeing my old jeans brings back so many memories and I cant seem to hide my emotions well today.
Glancing up at Jordan I said "thats because I was"
I slipped on a pair of tennis shoes. Right now I could really use some fresh air. Jordan still hadnt said anything which isnt like him but I was off in my own thoughts. I wonder what it will be like when I go back to school.
How will I act?
Will the jocks notice me and TRY to bully me again or will I not be noticed?
Hopefully a fresh start but I dont want friends because I dont want drama or people knowing anything about me. Overall I mostly worry about Cole and what he will say to me or if he will recognize me. I know he cant harm me anymore but im scared i will freeze up and wont fight back. I mean that wouldnt be a good impression to make on my first day back.
I grabbed a pop tart off the counter and walked out the front door towards the garden. ive been here for over a month but ive been to busy to walk through it. Theres beautiful stone pathways and flowers of every size, shape and color on each side. I could get lost in here for hours admiring their beauty.
I turned around and saw Jordan following me and looking lost in thought. I bet he's still thinking about what I wss thinking about. Maybe I should let him ask me questions. He deserves answers, hes told me everything about him but he doesn't know much about me. sighing and pinching the bridge of my nose, I ran a hand though my hair and turned around.
"Jordan..." he looked up with a questioning look.
"I know you have questions... I have been keeping a lot from everyone... I just dont want you to think of me differently..."
He looked up with a shocked and puzzled expression. I was starting to regret opening my mouth but now its to late to turn back.
"Kenzi theres nothing you could ever say to make me say to think differently of you." He sounded so sure and his eyes spoke nothing but the truth.
"Ask me anything" I knelt down and examined one of the delicate, purple flowers.
"when you came here you were in old stained clothes and you were covered in bruises... you looked so scared and alone. why were you that way?"
I dropped my hand to my side and slowly stood up not looking at him. Sighing I looked up, "if I tell you, you cant tell anyone. ill talk to Ryler and Bonnie when I feel comfortable. No matter what happens."
Jordan didnt respond right away but finally promised not to say anything.
"Thank you, let me finish before you speak please..." I inhaled shakily. My hands are trembling and are clammy. I sat down on a wood bench and patted the spot next to me for Jordan to sit next to me. When he sat down I rested my head on his shoulder causing him to jump. Since ive been in Florida I havent shown any emotions besides happiness and anger so me being this gentle must worry him.
"Ever since I was little my parents were never around, I was alone a lot. When I was eight they said they had to leave for a long time for business and I couldnt tell anyone I was home alone..." He stayed silent taking everything in.
"They never came back besides to drop off $200 every month so I could wash my clothes and feed my self. They never cared about me, never hugged or kissed me, and they never said they loved me. I barely got by. When my mother dropped the money off she wouldnt say anything". Jordan tenced under neath if me. The pain from the past was rising up inside of me but it began to turn to anger the more I talk about it.
"I dont remember what my father looks like. I stayed in a small, abandoned looking house with one room and it was empty inside besides my bed, dresser, fridge, micro wave and stove. My clothes were all old hammy downs my mother would bring to me. I was great full for what I had." Tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes. Blinking them back wasnt cutting it very well.
"I had good grades and had no friends. Its not that I didnt want them but everyone disliked me... I dont know what I did to make them not like me." my voice cracked and tears started pouring down my face.
"I have never had friends or anyone who gave a shit about me. I felt alone in the world, I felt forgotten, I felt useless and lost in the universe. I cried all the time. Everyone said I was ungly and useless and I believed them 100%. I never had parents to go home to to tell me differently or to tell me things were going to be okay."
My shoulders were shaking hard and sobs were coming faster and louder. My chest ached, the pain was unbearable. I wanted to fall into a black hole and hide from the world. I felt alone and unwanted again. Jordan quickly picked me up by the waist and placed me on his lap so I was facing him. I wrapped my legs around him and cried harder than I ever had. He hugged me tightly and rubbed my back to try and sooth me.
"Kenzi its okay now, you are surrounded with people who love you and you are very beautiful. Dont let people tell you differently."
It seemed like I had been crying for an hour now but my sobs turned into sniffles and I opened my eyes and took everything in around me. Raising my head I realized his shirt was now soaked. "im sorry I got your shirt all wet" I croaked out and another round of tears came.
"its okay"
"Everyday when I went to school I was bullied. I believed every word the kids said. The harassment never ended and grew worse over the years... In ninth grade they started to beat me up. it was never just a few punches it was kicking, hair pulling, verbal harassment, tripping, and bone breaking. Not a day went by that I wasnt covered in bruises."
I sobbed harded wishing I could just forget all the memories. I feel like my hearts been wripped out and my body is screamimg for relief. It feels like ill never be able to stop crying. I want to run away from my past. I felt like I was bleeding out. The pain is unbearable as I sit here and wallow in it.
"When I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who was unwanted. I saw a girl who was scared and alone. I saw all the bruises and I had a reason to have everyone of them. Who could ever want a girl like me. I would never be worth someones time muchless someones thoughts."
"..I..I..I dont know how.. I dont have the words to take the extreme depths of your pain away Kenzie but I will always be here for you. I love you like a sister and you mean the world to me. You can always count on me being here for you. You are an incredible person, you've come so far and are so strong, determined and confident now. Those kids will never look at you the same. You deserve the world and I hope you find someone who will give it to you. In every way imaginable you are beautiful. Every time I see you, you take my breath away. MacKenzie you are perfect just the way you are and dont you dare let anyone tell you differently."
I was now the one rendered speachless as silent tears of happiness rolled down my now puffy red face. No one has ever treated me this way and made me feel like I belonged somewhere. For once in my life I can say I feel safe and not so alone. No longer do I have to cry my self asleep thinking about the pain of yesterday. Now all I have to do is hold my head high and have confidence in everything I do.