A/N: hi x
There he was, sleeping soundly. Not a move from his tough figure, except for his breathing causing his stomach to rise up and down.
I've been here for around an hour. Josh has been sleeping since the minute I got into his hospital room, so I haven't spoken to him, I wanted to let him rest. He had bandages around his eye, with blood soaked through them. My baby...
The nurses told me that it wasn't serious, but he would have a permanent scar. They told me that it would be hardly noticeable within time, that you would probably need to know about it to even recognise it. Are they insane!? They said that he's going to have a permanent scar but it's not a big deal!? What is wrong with those people!
I felt my knuckles start to tense as I squeezed my hand in a fist. I was mad. Mad at everybody except Josh. Mainly, I was mad at myself, for letting this happen. I don't know where the strength to kill that guy with my foot came from, all I know is that it was my anger that fuelled it.
The nurses said it wasn't that bad, yet they put him in a hospital bed because of blood loss? Those freaking nurses... and to top that off, he's in a room with four other people. They should have given him special treatment and his own room!
He's sleeping though, peacefully. I guess I have no reason to be so tense.. when I finally got to the hospital, his cousins were still here. They told me he kept asking for me, that he was worried about me. My sweet darling.. he was worried about me, when he was the one that was injured. It's hard to express in words how in love with him I am, I just love him endlessly, I love him to the moon and back. No words can ever express my adoration for him.
Josh is a god to me.
He's everything to me. I say this absolutely all the time, but it's because I have trouble putting it into words. He's saved me so many times, yet I couldn't even be there for him this time... I could have done something, I could have defended him... I could have jumped in front of him! But no, I didn't! I feel like punching myself in the freaking face, I feel like stabbing myself in the freaking face! That's not even me being disappointed in myself, that's me wanting to simulate how he felt when this happened to him. Him and I are supposed to experience everything together.
I sat on the chair next to his hospital bed, resting my arms on top of his chest and resting my chin on top of them. This is the only way I could cuddle with him, I'm not allowed on the hospital bed. I wanted to wrap him around my arms so bad.
How am I ever going to make him feel better?
Something caught my eye. Across the room, laying down on one of the other hospital beds, there was a sleeping woman with bandages all over her and tubes in her body. On the chair next to her was another crying woman, holding the bedridden woman's hand and kissing it over and over. I frowned. A girlfriend of hers, maybe? It made me sad to see hurt couples, I guess it's because one of many few things I could relate to, having a partner to love you and hold you, I know how affected I get when I see my Joshua hurt. It kills me.
I was curious as to what happened with the woman. Should I ask, or would that be too personal? I mean, I've never been one to shy away from personal questions, but... oh, I don't know.
"E-Excuse me?" I was shy and quiet while talking to strangers, however, the crying woman heard me and looked towards me. I waved slightly, feeling nerves hit me when I was about to speak again. The woman smiled at me despite being full of tears, which was slightly admirable. "What happened?" I said those words quickly so that I wouldn't stutter again.
The woman looked down at the other, her expression only getting sadder. She sighed upsettingly, her smile dropped from her face and became replaced by a tired frown. She then looked back to me, pushing her hair out of her face. She probably didn't want to look messy in front of a stranger.
"My girlfriend, she.." The woman gulped. So I was right, it is a partner. "Basically, she got attacked.. a few guys tried to.. we think they were trying to kill her. She survived, but the doctors say she most likely won't make it.."
"I'm sorry.." I don't know why, but I felt sympathy. Sympathy for the poor couple in front of me.
"Oh, you don't have to apologise... I just don't know how I'm going to live without her, she's all I have.." She wiped away her tears. I was honestly a little speechless. "I mean, I've known her since I was a baby.."
That's kind of like me and Josh.. wait, no Oli, that's different! Don't compare us with other people, we're nothing like them! Come on, change the subject before you think too much on this..
"What's your name?" I asked. Great subject change, Oliver.
"Lynn, what's yours?" She seemed so polite, there was really no reason for me to be nervous.
"Oliver.." I twiddled my fingers together. I'm so grateful to have Josh here with me..
"Nice to meet you," The woman smiled, looking back at her barely alive partner. "Is... Is it okay if I go on a bit?"
"Sure." I smiled warmly but also slightly, ready to listen to the lady across from me.
"Thank you, I really need someone to talk to about this," She chuckled a sad chuckle before taking a few deep breaths, in and out. It confused me as to why a total stranger would trust me with this information. Regardless, I wasn't complaining. "So... the doctors told me that she had multiple stab wounds, everywhere. Unfortunately... they got to her heart, she's lucky to even be able to be alive for a few more hours," She explained. "I just want to treasure these last few moments with her as much as I can."
This feeling of complete and utter guilt and horror washed over me. Why? Why do I feel this way? There's no reason to feel guilty over something I have nothing to do with.
Okay, Oli. You're freaking out for no reason now.
"If I may ask.." I debated on asking this, but I really wanted to. "When did you guys... start dating?"
"Oh, we've been together since we were just teens," She smiled gently, caressing her lovers face. "I'm fourty now, it's surely been a while."
Oh.
That's kind of like me and Josh. I wonder what we'll be like when we're older? Surely not like this. No way, Josh knows how to defend himself and would never let this happen to him. If anything like this happened to him, I would...
I felt my stomach shrivel up into oblivion, like it was attacking me because I was thinking this way. That thought made me want to cry for hours on end. I can't be thinking about dreadful, horrific, heartbreaking things like this... Josh could never ever get killed, never ever.
But... look at this woman, at the state she's in. This couple is a lot like us, well, obviously not, we are different from everyone! I just mean their history is a little, tiny, teensy bit like ours. But I'm not going to be in this crying woman's position, that will never happen.
Well... I could have been if I wasn't there with Josh, and if his family weren't there. What if that woman and I would have been in the same position right now? No.
Oh my gosh.
When I kill people.. what if they feel this way? What if their partners feel the way this woman does? What if their soulmates spend their entire life, looking for a missing piece that they will never be able to find, because their missing piece is dead? What if they look for anyone, anything, to make them feel the way their partner made them feel, but they'll never find it because the partner that made them feel like no other is six feet under?
Their lovers are just... gone. Never coming back. They'll never be able to kiss, cuddle, or hold them again. They'll never be able to feel their touch, smell their heavenly scent, listen to their gorgeous voice. They'll never be able to feel their love again, they'll never be able to go on cute little dates, or talk about all of their memories together ever again.
They won't have their partner by their side ever again. Because somebody killed them. How does that make them feel? That the person they love more than anything, the person that loved them more than anything, was just murdered? Gone, forever.
That poor person will never be able to forgive themselves for letting this happen to their most favourite person in the entire world, they'll go their entire life believing that their lovers death was their fault, and in reality, it was. Because they weren't there. They weren't there to watch over their boyfriend. (Or, girlfriend.)
What if... what if I have caused this type of pain to someone?
I can't do this anymore.
I felt a cold sensation on my face, which I immediately recognised at Josh's hand. I looked up from the floor, looking at my boyfriend's majestic face. He looked worried, even with one of his eyes covered, I could see his fretful expression. I didn't understand why he would feel this way, I started to worry like crazy.
"Baby, why are you crying?" He asked with such sorrow, and I didn't even realise that tears were streaming down my cheeks. He wiped them away from me, and to make him feel better, I smiled slightly. He copied that, I felt a lot better once I saw his happy expression. I knew he had to be in a lot of pain, and to still ask about how I was feeling, and to be able to still smile meant the world to me.
"I can't talk about it in front of everyone," I wiped my snot away, causing Josh to chuckle at my silliness. I sat up from laying on top of him. He was awake, for the first time since I got here. "How are you, my devil?" I reached in towards his face, placing the softest kiss on his lips that I could. I didn't want to hurt him with his fresh scar.
"I'm not in that much pain anymore, just a headache." He kept his smile, his one visible eye radiating with love. I could never take love away from someone. "My love, isn't your checkup today?"
Holy damn, he's right! I had my pregnancy check up today, at this hospital!
I looked to my watch, noticing the time as 9:00pm. Well, I've definitely missed it. Maybe I can still go? Not right now though. I have to stay with Josh.
"Missed it. Maybe we could go later?" I asked Josh, he simply nodded. "Josh.. I'm so sorry.." I tried my best to hold back my tears, but without luck. I didn't want to hurt him emotionally like this, I felt horrible for crying. "I'm so sorry I didn't stop this from happening.."
"Oli, my dear," Josh took ahold of my face with both of his hands, making me switch my gaze from my wrist to his eyes. "This was not your fault, Angel... there was no way you could have stopped that attack in time, okay? You are my everything. I wanted nothing more than to be able to see you when those two dragged you away.." He sighed, pushing my hair out of my face. "It's over now, I'm okay now, sweetheart." He was the one who placed his lips onto mine again. I returned the sweet, sweet kiss.
After we kissed, Josh sat up, stretching slightly. He then stood up from the bed, tossing the covers aside. "Let's go to your appointment." He took ahold of my hand, pulling me up from the chair. I love how spontaneous he is. I nodded, looking towards the woman I was talking to as we walked out of the room. She gave me a sad little wave, one I returned while mouthing the word 'bye.'
We walked out into the empty hallways, there wasn't a nurse or doctor in sight. This was the perfect opportunity for me to link arms with Josh and talk to him about how I felt.
"Joshie," I didn't know how he would feel about what I wanted to say, but I knew that he would never be mad at me. I knew that he would accept whatever choice I would made, I know that he loves me. "I don't want to kill people anymore."
He just looked confused, like he didn't know what I was on about. "Ohh, like other gangs?"
"No no, I mean in general. No more killing, I don't want to do it anymore." I gulped, thinking about the whole couple thing. Josh frowned, but not in a disappointed way, in a worried way. Oh no..
"Oliver, my sweet, are you alright? Did something happen?" He seemed to think that the reason behind this was me being upset. Well, it was. He knew me more than anything.
"Yeah, I'm fine.. I just thought: what if those people we killed have boyfriends or girlfriends that will miss them? Then I got really sad." I frowned. That's the only reason. "I kind of put myself in those people's shoes."
"You know, Olsie, we aren't anything like other couples. We are much, much more in love than anybody else could ever be, you know?" He kissed the top of my head. He's right. "Okay, honey. That's your decision. So, no more killing for you?" He smiled gently, continuing to support me no matter what.
"Nope." I shook my head. This was my final decision, I mean, I'll see how I go. The thing is, killing is an addiction, like any other drug. Whenever I go a little while without doing it, I get cravings, I get withdrawal symptoms. It can't be so hard to ignore them though, right?
"You have much more willpower than I could ever have, Oli," Josh chuckled. "I could never stop. I applaud you, my dear."
"Or do you just not want to stop?" I joked, giggling and poking his nose softly. I know he loves his murder, he's super adorable.
"Questions, but ones with simple answers." Josh picked me up bridal style. I didn't get how he was still so strong when he was just slit in the face, I would've been a baby and asked for hot chocolate or something. My boyfriend stared down at me lovingly, having the most handsome face despite it being half covered up. "You're beautiful, you know that?"
"Nope, you!" I blushed, grinning widely. I crawled around on his back, wrapping my legs around his torso and my arms around his neck. I made sure to not touch his face. If I hurt him, I could never forgive myself.
We both got to the maternity unit, where I was supposed to come for my check up. I was three months pregnant in a week, which is why my appointment is today.
We told the office lady why we were here and she sweetly allowed for us to go, we just had to sit in the waiting room for a little while. So, Josh and I sat on the hard plastic chairs while we held hands. I was always touching Josh, whether it was holding hands, hugging, linking arms, or... other things.
Across from us was a couple with their baby girl, she had to be a toddler. The parents seemed so happy, feeding her vegetables as they talked and laughed about something. The mother seemed pregnant, which is obviously why they were at this part of the hospital. I smiled at their happy family, hoping to have a big family of my own one day. I just want to keep having babies! I want to be one of those people who have babies their entire life.
I couldn't help but listen in on their conversation. They were laughing about silly baby names they could come up with.
The more I stared at the happy family, I started to feel a tad jealous over that small child. If only I could have grown up with a happy family, the kind with a caring, gentle mother and a working, funny father. I didn't get any of that. But then again, I'm glad. Because maybe if I had that, I would have never met Josh.
"Give me thirty babies." I casually said to Joshua, making him burst out laughing. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in as close as he could pull me. I loved his warmness. He always put his strength aside and went soft when he pulled me into his warm embrace.
"We're going to have to fuck a lot then." He smirked cheekily, causing me to playfully and gently smack his thigh. I really should have been embarrassed because of how loud he said that, but I wasn't. I'm pretty much used to his horny antics now, it's cute.
"I don't mind." I mirrored his cheeky smirk, causing his expression to change into one with wide eyes, high brows and his lips making an 'o' shape. He laughed like an evil mastermind, clasping his hands together. I couldn't keep up my cocky persona and had to chortle. I'm sure people were staring, I didn't care. I was only starring at one person. I loved spending this time with him.
"Oliver Sykes?"
I heard the nurse call my name, so Josh and I both stood up to follow her. We followed her into her room, where she gestured for Josh and I to sit on the chairs. I'd been through this before.
"Hey, guys. Better late than never I guess?" She joked, and I was the one who chuckled. She was right, I was supposed to be here five hours ago. "How have the midwife visits been?"
I had been seeing a midwife every Saturday. She told me about how babies functioned, how to raise them, how to wash and change their diapers, how to feed them, things like that. It was super interesting, and Josh listened and did the exercises with me. I love him.
"It's been good, I'm learning pretty quickly." It was hard to describe how excited I was for this baby, I can't wait to dress them up in cute little clothes.
"And, for the dad, are you enjoying it?" She asked Josh, who simply shrugged. He didn't really talk to others unless it served a purpose.
"Coping." Josh joked and laughed, causing the nurse to shake her head sarcastically. Josh was loving this just as much as me, he couldn't stop talking about it. He couldn't stop feeling my stomach either.
A few days ago, he started talking to my stomach as if he were talking to the baby. He then started to sing to the baby. I still can't believe I have this man in my life, most people could only dream of having someone like Josh, nobody will ever have anybody like him. He is one of a kind, and he's all mine. I'm all his.
We did what we did at the last checkup. She checked my weight, my breathing, she took my blood. I was glad that no one contacted me about the fact that I had two bloods in me. Well, Josh and I probably have the same blood type, that's probably why. I'm glad, it was something that only made us that teensy bit closer, if that's even possible to get closer. He's my twin flame. My everything. That's why-
(Back to the present, in 2030. Back to the start of chapter 1.)
I looked to my husband, the story stopped there. I gave him a wide smile, it had to be around 3am now, we had been reading all of our past memories for three hours straight.
"Remember we forgot to finish it?" I asked Joshie, placing my trademark kiss on his nose. He blushed, nodding and pulling me in for a real, deep kiss.
"We should write the rest, Angel." Joshua messed up my long hair slightly, I giggled, resting my head against his chest. Joshie has always been the 'do it now' type of person. I simply adored that, like I adore every part of him. I love my soulmate more than anything in the world.
"Of course... but I'm so tired," I pretended to fall asleep, collapsing onto the bed. Josh immediately fell down next to me, wrapping his arms around my stomach, tickling me so that I would burst out laughing. His mission was successful. "Joshie!"
"Wakey wakey, Angel!" He kissed all over my face, squishing it as gently as I could. He squished my face so that I was making a pouty face. His smile was wide, his eyes were sparkling. He was so genuinely happy to be with me, as was I with him. It's been years, and I'm still thankful that I get to wake up every day to this man and our beautiful family.
"Mummy? Daddy?"
Josh and I both jumped up once we heard the voice of our ten year old son, Theodore. He walked in, his stuffed rabbit in hand, his pyjama shirt way too big for him. We both gave him a smile, confused as to why he would be up so late.
"Hi baby," I pulled him into a cuddle, Josh joining in the hug sandwich with us. I noticed that my baby was shaking in my arms, oh dear. He must have had another nightmare. I kissed his little head repeatedly, Josh rubbed his back, noticing how bad he was shaking as well. "Theo, what's wrong?" I asked, sadness surrounding my voice and worry plastered all over Josh's face.
"I... I had a bad dream.." He gulped, wiping away the tiny tears that fell from his eyes with his toy bunny. Josh and I tried to soothe him, knowing that this wasn't a rare occurrence. He always had these scary dreams, and we always reassured him that they weren't real. We didn't know why he went through these daily nightmares, my poor baby..
"Remember, Theo. Dreams aren't real, okay?" Josh reassured him softly, resulting in our youngest son nodding his head. "Do you want to talk about it, T?"
"Daddy, do you... do you have another one?" Theodore asked Josh, and we didn't understand what he meant.
"Have another what, champ?" Josh asked, giving me a confused glance before looking back to our crying son.
"Another.. another child, like me?" Theodore asked.
How... how would he know that?
"Wh-what do you mean sweetheart?" I asked, hoping he hadn't found out what Josh and I were doing every Saturday. He was too young to know such a thing, oh gosh, my poor baby would never be able to understand something like this..
"In my dream, I met someone and they told me they were your baby too... and that I was the little brother.." Theodore quietly explained, Josh and I thankfully managed to hear what he said.
Something about that was comforting. But, it also upset me. I wasn't disappointed, I was confused as to why this would happen - there had to be a reason.
"Oh, Theo, it was only a dream, don't worry." Josh smiled at our son, making funny faces to make him laugh, which thankfully worked. Josh always managed to cheer our kids up. "Now, why don't we take Mr Monopoly here," Josh pointed to Theo's bunny. "And you sleep in bed with your mother and I, would you like that, sweetheart?"
Theo nodded happily, finally smiling. Josh was such a great dad, I could never thank him enough for how he has helped me.
Theodore got in the middle of the bed, Josh getting in at the left side and cuddling him. I couldn't help but adore my two boys, and they weren't my only babies, I still had four more sleeping in the other rooms. Damn, I wish I could have more. I don't think I have enough.
I put the little book in the drawer, promising to myself that I would write some more tomorrow. But before I did that, I ripped out a blank page, taking out a pen from the drawer. I then began to write on the blank page.
'Hey, honey. I love you so much, I hope you're doing so amazing. Thank you for everything, my dear. I hope that you enjoy all of the gifts, as usual. I love you.
Love, mummy.'
I would deliver it on Saturday, of course.
I then turned the light off, getting into bed and snuggling up with my two boys.
(Back to the story!)
I can't wait to grow old with him.
After we had finished doing everything we needed to do, the best part that I had been so excited for came next.
"Okay, next month, we should be able to determine your babies gender." The nurse told me, only raising my excitement bar. I looked to Josh, who had this huge cheesy grin on his face. I couldn't wait! Baby names could then be thought of!
"Ultrasound next?" I asked the nurse, she nodded.
"Yep." She smiled.
I'm so happy.