I fall face-first on my bed and throw an arm over my eyes. I haven't slept or eaten anything in over twenty-four hours. I'm exhausted like I've never been, after what was the most draining weekend of my life.
Thanksgiving dinner was a disaster. Worse than a disaster. Even though Lucas and Uncle Jax stormed out halfway through we still heard their screaming match outside. Every hateful and spiteful word that left their mouths made the rest of us wince and we'd all looked at each other gravely. Aunt Em's reaction was probably the worst — the sheer way her face had contorted and cracked before she ran after them made me feel like my chest was being ripped apart. The rest of us waited, not sure what else to do, until finally Aunt Em and Uncle Jax came back inside the house. They immediately went upstairs and it didn't take a genius to figure out they were fighting too. But I couldn't find it in me to worry about that, not when Lucas was nowhere to be found.
Before I realized what I was doing I pushed out of my seat and ran outside, and my stomach sank to the floor at the sight of him leaning against the gates like he'd been ripped open. I couldn't stop myself from going to him, from letting my guard down and holding him if even for a moment. But it was the way he held me back that said it all. He'd clutched onto me so tightly I could barely breathe. He held me like he needed me.
The moment was gone just as quick. I'd felt the way he locked up so suddenly like he realized what he was doing. He was angry all over again, demanding that we pretend it never happened. Then he left and I didn't know what to do. None of us knew what to do. Our families had packed up dinner and headed home not long after that. I apologized profusely to Beck for the train wreck that he didn't seem to know what to make of. He was stunned, but he also felt guilty, saying it was his fault that Lucas lost it. He asked for his space and I didn't blame him. I let him make the trip back to campus on his own and hung around for another day at my parents' house. We barely said a word to each other the whole time. I'm kind of grateful that I get to be here, in the sanctuary of my dorm.
But what comes next?
Lucas is still living across from me. We still share a class and have to work on our project. Just because thanksgiving is behind us now doesn't mean Lucas is behind me. He's in my life whether I like it or not as everyday the lines blur a little more. Everyday I'm torn between hating him and wanting him.
There's a knock on my door and I sit up, calling out a, "Come in."
Grace walks inside with a tentative smile and a glass in her hand. "I made you some dalgona iced coffee."
"Thanks bébé," I sigh gratefully and take it from her outstretched hands. She watches me as I take a sip.
"Are you okay? You seemed distracted when you got here."
"Yeah. It was just an overwhelming weekend."
"Thanksgiving didn't go well?"
"Understatement of the century," I confirm. "Yours?"
"It was okay," She shrugs. "Mom and Dad both worked late at the hospital so it was quiet."
"Sometimes quiet is good." I try to offer.
"Sometimes," She agrees. "How's Lucas? He looked angrier than usual which is saying something."
"I can't say I blame him."
"Wow. Really?"
I don't blame her surprise at my defending him. She was there the day I got home from Uncle Nate's gym and I'd ranted to her about how much of a dick Lucas was. I'm doing a full one-eighty on her here.
"You had to be there," I keep it at that. It's bad enough Beck witnessed this weekend. Our families are going through enough without having an audience on top of it all. I quickly change the subject. "I need to let off steam. Want to come with me to the dance studio?"
"I'm good," She laughs. "I think I'm just going to hang out here and finish my book."
"Okay. Don't wait up," I tell her. It's almost sunset and I'm likely to kill at least a couple of hours at the studio.
Grace heads back to her room and I quickly get changed into something more comfortable. Once I'm in my sweats, I grab my gym bag and phone and then I'm out the door. I stop at the dorm across from me and knock. Zack opens it a moment later.
"Hey, Liv," He sounds as tired as I feel.
"I was going to ask if you want to come to the dance studio with me but I'm going to guess you're not up for it."
His smile is apologetic. "Sorry. I just got in and I kind of want to knock out in a few."
"That's okay. Also, I didn't get the chance to ask you earlier but...are you okay?"
"I'm fine but what about you? Did this weekend fuck things up with you and Beck?"
"I don't know," I admit. "I haven't spoken to him since yesterday so it's anyone's guess. But I mean in general, Zack. You seem really down these days."
"I'm fine," He repeats a little too quickly. Damn it. He's lying. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Zack," I stop the closing door with my palm. "You know I'm here for you, right? And you can tell me anything."
"I know," His tone is softer this time and he ruffles my hair lightly and gives me a shove. "Get out of here, loser. Don't stay out too late."
"This conversation isn't over," I call out but he's already closed the door. Damn.
I put my headphones on as I make my way down the stairs and out of the building. The studio is a bit of a walk from here but I could use it. I pull my leather jacket tighter around me when the wind picks up, grateful that I put my hair in a bun in advance. Fall is definitely coming to an end and I'm not ready for the bleak winter days where everything is ten times more depressing. The few moments of sunshine are what I look forward to most during days where things seem bleak and unforgiving. This weekend comes to mind and I groan under my breath, wishing it never happened. I'm an asshole for thinking that but it's true — I wish things weren't the way they were. I wish I didn't have to constantly wonder what's going to happen to our families and if they'll be ripped apart. I wish I could stop thinking about Aunt Emily's cancer. I wish I could stop thinking about Lucas.
I was doing fine. I was. We hadn't talked in so long that I kind of got used to life without him. He wasn't at the forefront of my mind anymore and that allowed to move on with life and other relationships. I was doing my own thing and things were good. Then he came barreling back in, first with his apology and then holding me after so many years, and those simple and rare moments of his kindness have spun my world upside down all over again. That's the thing about Lucas — he has this way of making you forget the pain he's caused with just one touch of goodness.
I enter the dance studio, grateful that it's empty, and turn the lights on. I kick my shoes off and my socks don't make a single sound as I cross the room to hook my phone to the speakers. Music rises up and echoes, bouncing off the mirrored walls, and I smile, already feeling like I'm home. Dancing is my escape from the world. I don't think about anything else when I'm dancing. All I hear is the music, all I feel are my movements, and all I see is myself. It's just me and the space around me and how I swallow it up with my motions. I love focusing on the burn of my muscles as I use them and I love feeling my pulse race as I push myself to keep moving. It feels productive and rewarding. It's like food for my body because when I dance, I feel nourished and full.
As I move in tune with the music now, all I can think about is when I first went to LA. What had happened with Lucas threw me off my world until I was floating in space with no idea where to go. What could I cling onto if not him? My best friend. My partner in crime. My —or so I'd believed at the time — soulmate. Losing him was like losing air. I spent all of my days fighting for oxygen and learning how to breathe without him.
After that, dancing became my air. It filled up the hollow spaces in me until I felt complete again. I had this one thing to keep me going when everything fell apart. That's why I'll always need it. Because even now, when nothing around me makes sense or feels like it's going to be okay, I can take this moment to detach myself from all of that and do this one thing that makes me feel in control. I think that's the best part of dancing. You're in complete control of your body and movements and you decide what to do. In a world where everything is predictable and out of your hands, dance gives you certainty. It grounds you. I need now more than ever to be grounded because I'm scared I'm losing myself. I'm scared I'm losing the people most important to me. I'm scared that my heart is gradually thawing and letting Lucas in again. My greatest fear is letting him in again when I already let him destroy me once.
It seems like no time has passed at all when in reality, I've been dancing for over an hour. My aching muscles and rapid pulse are all a testament to that. I stare up at the ceiling while I lay on my back and try to catch my breath. Normally my mind is empty when I dance. Today I had no such luck. Even as I moved to the music and tried to focus on my movements, my brain wouldn't surrender. I close my eyes in frustration. So much for clearing my head.
I pick my limp body up and get to my feet, unplugging my phone and grabbing the rest of my things. I spray a shitload of perfume on myself because I still have a fifteen minute walk back to my dorm before I can catch a shower. Once I redo my bun to make it tight again, and wipe the sweat off my forehead and neck with the towel I brought, I close the lights behind me and head out.
I'm grateful for the cool night breeze. It washes over me and brings my hot body relief so I slow down my steps, taking the long way back to the dorms. The long way means passing around all the recreational building, including the field and arenas. As I pass the school gym, I can't help but recognize one of the guys in the hurdle that are lounging by the stairs. I pause and wonder if I should say something.
"Beck," I finally call out.
Beck turns around, blinking when he sees me. His friends, who I now recognize as his teammates, wear stupid grins and nudge each other, shoving Beck forward. I hold back an eye roll. Boys.
"Hey," Beck says when he's in earshot. He jerks a thumb to the side and I follow his lead until we round the corner for some privacy. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and leans against the building. "I'm surprised you're talking to me."
I can't help but startle. "What?"
"Well...I ruined your family's thanksgiving dinner, didn't I?"
"What? No. That wasn't your fault."
"I think it was, Liv. I was a dick to Cage when he was already going through a tough time. I didn't have to goad him the way I did. Honestly, I don't know what got into me. I'm usually more level-headed than that."
"Beck," I grab both of his arms and force him to look at me. "Yeah, Lucas is going through a really difficult time, but he was also being extremely rude to you when you were our guest. He was already angry about a lot of things and the fight with you took him to the edge but his breakdown wasn't your doing."
"Are you sure?" He looks uncertain. "I feel really bad, Olivia. Emily seems so great and, I don't know, seeing how much she's loved and knowing what she's going through makes me feel for the guy. I think I should apologize."
Oh, Beck. "It'll fall on deaf ears. Trust me. But it's very thoughtful of you anyways."
"So you're not mad at me?"
"Honestly, I thought you were mad at me. You said you wanted space."
"I only said that because I didn't want you to tell me I should leave. I figured I'd save myself the humiliation when I already caused a mess."
"It's not like that at all," I laugh, surprisingly relieved that we're okay. My friendship with Beck has been one of the best things to come out of college so far, even if it's a little confusing. I wrap my arms around his torso and squeeze tight, smiling when his large arms crush me back. "Stupid."
"I can be," He sighs and I laugh again. When I pull away he smiles down at me. "It's late. Can I walk you to your dorm?"
"That would be great."
We fall into stride and Beck looks over at me. "How's the astronomy project going?"
"We haven't even started," I admit and his brows go up. "Yeah. We have our work cut out for us. It's just impossible to find any time to do it. Lucas and I are usually too busy fighting and ignoring each other to get anything done."
"Well, if you need help let me know. I'm only halfway through myself but I think I'm doing a pretty good job."
"I'll consider it. We're supposed to meet at the library tomorrow to get started but I don't know if he'll show up. If he doesn't I'll just do it myself."
"Still wish we got to be partners," He bumps my shoulder but with his elbow because he's that much taller than me.
"Same," I scrunch my nose. "But whatever. You're still all up in my space, aren't you?"
He throws his head back in laughter, catching the eye of some students still hanging around. Beck has a deep rich laugh that you feel in your belly. I certainly feel it in mine. "Get over yourself, West."
I laugh too and tip my chin back to look at him. "Did you get to speak to your family this weekend?"
"I did, yeah. They're all back home so I might visit this weekend to make up for missing out on thanksgiving."
I wince. "Bet you wish you flew out with your parents, huh?"
"Nah," He shrugs me off politely. "I get it. Times are hard for your family but they're great people. It's clear they never let the fame of money get to their head. They're all super grounded and humble. If I ever go pro I hope I'm able to do the same."
"Oh right," I recall the conversation between him and Lizzie's husband. "Did you and Mason talk about recruitment?"
"We didn't get the chance but he did give me his number before he left. Things are still touch and go with me right now. I have eyes on me but the heat's going to pick up when I start my senior year. That's when I have to make sure I'm on my A game all season."
"So you still have this year to practice?"
"Pretty much. Coach is fine-tuning my skills and making sure I'm going above and beyond. I can't be like any other player if I want to make it. He's perfecting my game as best as he can so I can use all of next year to show it to whoever's looking."
"You're going to do great," I assure him and we start for the stairs, heading up to the fourth floor. "Mason seemed really taken with you and he's tough to impress. If you're this good now imagine how good you'll be a year from now."
"You're sweet," He smiles over at me and I smile back. When we get to my dorm I face him as he leans against the wall and asks, "I'll see you in class tomorrow?"
"Yeah. You sure you don't want to come inside?"
"It's late and I have practice at seven a.m." He winces apologetically.
I nod in understanding. "Okay. Tomorrow then. Goodnight."
"Night." He waves.
I look down to put my key inside, unlocking the door and turning the knob. To be honest, I'm ready to turn in too. I need a shower and some sleep.
"Olivia?"
I look up again, tilting my head at Beck. "Forgetting something?"
"I think I might be," He whispers. He takes another step closer and my heart jumps in my chest when he cups my face. Our eyes lock and the vibe around us suddenly changes, becomes hushed and intimate. It's hard to think so all I can do is watch as he dips his head and I suck in a quiet breath when his lips meet mine.
Oh, wow. He's kissing me. That's the only thought running through my head as his other arm slips around my waist and pulls me closer to him. But not in an aggressive or overconfident way. His touch is careful and firm at the same time, and the way he kisses me is just like that too. He doesn't try to take the kiss past anything more than a brush of our lips softly meeting. It's...nice. It is. And Beck is nice. Beck is nice and caring and funny and he's good to me. It's fun flirting with him and it's great being friends and now this is happening. Should I go with it?
Tentatively, I kiss him back. It's the green light he was waiting for because as soon as I press my mouth a little harder to his, his grasp on my face tightens and he lightly pushes his tongue past my lips. It meets mine and that feels nice too. Our mouths part and meet again, the kiss gradually picking up pace. But I'm too aware of it. I can't lose myself in it the way I know you should lose yourself in a kiss. I can't lose myself in him and I know why. It's because I'm already lost in someone else and even though he's probably the last person I should feel that way about, I can't help it. So I'm not going to drag down Beck with me. That's not fair to him.
I pull away before the kiss can go any further, pushing lightly on his chest until he drops his hold on me. He immediately backs up to give me room and I feel even worse.
"Beck..." I start quietly. "I can't. I'm sorry."
He puts his hands in his pockets again and looks away. "I'm confused, Olivia. Sometimes I feel like you want more from me but then you backtrack. Am I that bad at reading you?"
"No," I shake my head fast, guilt consuming me. "I'm being confusing. I know."
"You kissed me back."
"I know," I repeat and wrap my arms around my torso. "I thought that maybe if I kissed you and gave it a chance I would feel differently."
"But you don't," He finishes for me. I shake my head just barely. "And you never did?"
"I don't know," I whisper. "We flirt and it's fun. You're charming and I've always been attracted to that. But I'm just not in it all the way. I thought maybe I could be with time, and then we kissed and I figured I should give that a shot too, just so I could know for sure, you know? I was figuring it out. I didn't mean to confuse you along the way."
His mouth pinches at the corner and he nods slowly. "No, I get it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you."
"It's okay," I try to backtrack, sensing that I'm not making this any better. "We're okay, right?"
"Olivia..." He looks away again. "I can only do the back and forth so many times before it just gets awkward and embarrassing. At least when it's as fresh as this. Maybe I should take some space for real this time."
"Beck," I try again, heart in my throat. "You're my friend. You are."
"But I don't want to be, Liv," He says quietly. "And if I have to force my feelings down every time I'm around you I'll just go crazy. I can't make myself not like you. But what I can do is step out of the picture so I can get over you."
I hate that he's making sense. I know he's right. It's one thing to have feelings for someone in secret but Beck has told me about his, and now our kiss will awkwardly hang between us too. Our friendship would be nothing more than a rub in his face. I get that.
"I really am sorry," I whisper. I know it's selfish of me but I still want to be friends with Beck. He makes everything fun, especially when my life could use some of that.
"Don't worry about it. I'll see you around, I guess." He tosses me a half-hearted smile that I know isn't real and I watch him walk away. I keep watching until he's out of sight, and then I feel even worse.
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A/N
Beck!! I don't know how you guys feel about him but I personally like him a lot. Part of me actually likes him with Olivia? I know I said I hate love triangles so I have no idea how this happened, LOL. Why are you so dreamy, Beck?!
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Happy Reading :)