Ang bilis ng oras at hindi na natin napapansin ang maraming bagay sa atin. Kasabay ng pagbilis ng oras ay ang pagbilis ng pagbabago sa paligid natin kaya maraming tao ang naiiwan sa nakaraan and just like them I want to pause the time, and make some backward so I can still watch what happened to my past but the world never let me to do that.
Bakit ba may mga tao na mas pinipili na ma stuck na lang sa past? Siguro baka katulad ko lang din sila na hirap mag move on. Bago pa ako tuluyan malunod sa sarili kong thoughts ay isang boses na ang nag ahon sakin.
"I'm sorry, I'm late" I looked at her and stare for a while, she is on mid 30's pero mukha lang sya na nasa 20's.
"It's ok Ms. Dela Peña" kumunot bigla yung noo nya sa sinabi ko, did I say something wrong?
"I told you to call me Mama when we are not in school." I laughed when she was about to pout. She wants me to call her Mama dahil parang mama na din namin sya.
Tumawag muna sya ng waiter para kumuha ng order namin but I told her that I'm not hungry dahil kakain ko lang ng lunch kasama si Hakob but she still insists na pakainin ako. I cut my classes at nag half day lang ako para makipag kita kay Mama Marie so I can give her my drawings. Nandito kami ngayon sa restaurant malapit sa school kung saan sya nagtuturo.
Matapos nya sabihin lahat ng order nya ay binaling nya sakin yung atensyon nya. "How are you honey?"
I want to say that I'm not fine but I don't want to make her worried. "I'm fine Mama, how about you? Stress ka pa rin ba sa students mo?"
She just laughed and tell me something about her life now. Ipinakita nya din sakin ngayon yung engagement ring na suot suot nya. Am I really spacing out kaya hindi ko yun napansin nung dumating sya?
"So, who's the lucky guy?"
I saw her eyes that glowing and I can say that she's inlove. I can even felt her so much happiness. Mukhang hindi naman sya tatandang dalaga.
"He is Raymond, he is an engineer, actually sya yung gumawa ng bahay ko sa tagaytay." she's giggling and kinikilig kilig pa sya, ganyan ba ang nagagawa ng love?
"Kailan ang kasal?"
She sip her tea first before she answer my question. "Next year but still don't have date" napangiti na lang ako.
"If Faith was here matutuwa yun sayo Mama and she will volunteer herself as a flower girl."
Sinubo ko na yung pasta at ninamnam yung lasa nito at masarap, sa susunod dito ko yayayain si tita Marielle.
"Naisip ko na yun Rachel at na imagine ko na yung mukha nya ngayon. I missed her being clingy with me."
Silence. Katahimakan ang bumalot samin ni Mama at tanging ingay lang mula sa ibang tao ang naririnig namin.
"I know that you are still not okay. After what happened 2 years ago, maybe this is the time to let go everything." I didn't expect that we will talked about her. I'm not ready to talked about her, but when I will be ready? I think never.
"I'm trying my best Mama but its hard." I released a deep, deep sighed.
"You need to try harder Rachel, pano sya magiging malaya kung hanggang ngayon hindi mo pa din sya mapakawalan."
How can I do that?
"Malaya na sya ngayon Mama, she is free from anything---" she cut me off.
"But she is not free from you."
Those words hit me. Hindi nga ba sya malaya ngayon dahil sakin, pero pano ko sya papalayain kung yung sarili ko nga hindi ko magawang palayain.
"Accept it Rachel. Let go everything that keeps you from holding on to something. Hindi na sya babalik and she will never be." Naguunahan na ngayon na bumagsak ang mga luha sa mga mata ko.
Parang ang dali lang sabihin na mag move on, i-accept lahat and let go but to be honest it was really hard.
Pano ko magagawa tanggapin ang lahat kung ako yung dahilan kung bakit sya nawala?
Pano ko magagawa na pakawalan ang nakaraan kung nandoon sya? Pano ko magagawa na mag move on kung hindi ko talaga kaya? Pano? kasi hindi ko na alam kung pano na.
"Look Mama, I'm doin' my best" I'm doin' my best not to cracked my voice. Ayokong kaawan nya ako.
"I know Rachel, I know. Ang sakin lang hindi ka pwede ma stuck sa nakaraan, how can you move forward if you keep on looking back to your past, or how can you go to your next chapter of your life, if you still continue rereading on what you've already red."
.
.
.
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Ang lahat ng pinagusapan namin ni Mama ay paulit ulit na bumabalik sakin dahil tama sya, hindi ko magagawa na makausad kung patuloy ako umaatras sa nakaraan. Isang malalim na paghinga ang ginawa ko.
"Sa sobrang lalim nyan baka nasa underground ka na"
Just like what I always do hindi ko na lang pinansin ang sinabi nya and I wipe those tears na kumawala sa mga mata ko.
"Jacob..." I was hesitating first if I'm going to ask him or what.
He just made a sound and no words that comes out from his mouth, maybe he wants me to say something again.
"Do you uhmm...do you ever felt that the half of you was stuck on past?" Finally! Naitanong ko din.
Wala ako nakita na kahit na ano sa mata nya at mukhang malalim din ang iniisip nya at tanging sa kalangitan lang sya nakatingin. "Yes, I felt that I was stuck on past." May sinabi pa sya pero hindi ko na narinig yung iba.
"What did you do to get out from it?" This time he was looking at me at pinagaaralan ang mukha ko, maybe he is not used to this. I'm little bit serious at hindi sya tinatarayan.
"I don't know. Siguro tinanggap ko na lang ang mga maraming bagay kaya nakaalis ako..." tumingin ulit sya sa mga bituin and he turn his gaze on me and stare for a while na parang iniisip mabuti ang sasabihin nya ulit.
"Our life is like a book, hindi matatapos ang binabasa mo kung patuloy mo binabalikan ang mga pahina na tapos mo ng basahin." Yun din yung sinabi ni Mama. Everyone was telling me like this, should I move on now? pero pano sya?
"Mahirap Jacob, mahirap na kalimutan mo na lang lahat. Mahirap na pakawalan yung mga bagay na hindi mo kayang pakawalan, pano kung doon ka masaya?papakawalan mo na lang ba yun? It's so hard!" I groaned on frustration.
He laughed and smiled at me. "Wala naman ako sinabi na kakalimutan mo. Ang point ko lang naman ay mag move on ka. Accept all the facts, let go, move on or move forward and you'll have a better life. Don't make things complicated Rachel. Past is past, a history of your life."
"Kung history lang yun bakit pa natin kailangan na pag aralan pa yung past na nangyari sa bansa natin? Wala sana history class kung past lang naman yun" pamimilosopo ko kaya isang pitik sa noo ang ginawa ni Jacob sakin. Hinimas ko yung noo ko at hinampas sya sa kamay.
"Silly. It was different case from you. Pinag aaralan natin yung history para may matutunan tayo, so we can value things what we have now na hindi napahalagahan ng maayos ng mga tao sa nakaraan but it can also relate to your life, to our life. You can use the past as your instrument that will help you to move forward. if you go back and remember your past, there's a lot of things that you can learned on pero Rachel, don't you ever let yourself stuck on past forever. Give another book a chance to read. Wag mo ng basahin yung libro na tapos mo ng basahin. Pano ka matututo sa maraming bagay kung nakafocus ka lang sa isang libro ng nakaraan mo."
Hindi ko mapigilan na mapangiti sa mga narinig ko mula sa kanya. Nanatili kami sa balcony ng mga ilang oras pa bago mapagdesisyonan na pumasok na sa loob, but before I enter my room he said something that keeps me awake from the whole night.
"Trust me Rachel, you can tell everything on me. You can have my back plus my shoulder, just incase you don't know."
⏳ ⌛ ⏳
Isang alarm clock na naman ang gumising sakin at isang malakas na katok ang nagpairap sakin. How can he ruin my morning! Should I start my another plan, my Oplan: Patalsikin si Hakob sa Boarding House? but my half of me wants to let stay Hakob here hanggang sa magsawa sya.
I do my morning routines and since today is saturday, okay lang na 9am na bumangon. Paglabas ko sa kwarto ko ay nakita ko si Hakob sa balcony at may mga pagkain sa table doon.
Pumasok ako sa kitchen at iniisip kung ano ba kakainin ko ngayon. Maghihiwa na sana ako ng tinapay nung biglang kunin sakin yun ni Hakob. Nakapag desisyon na ako, tutuloy ko na yung plano ko!
"Bakit ba?!" Asar na tanong ko sa kanya at tumawa lang sya.
"I already prepared our breakfast sa balcony. Do you want some coffee? milk? or tea?"
Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya at tinitingnan ko kung nag sasabi ba sya ng totoo at nung umiling sya ay pumunta na ako sa balcony at bago ako tuluyan makalayo sa kanya ay sinagot ko na yung tanong nya.
"I love milk! Thank you!"
Pag bukas ng sliding door sa balcony ay bumungad na sakin yung masarap na pagkain na nakahain sa table. Napangiti pa ako dahil parang napakaganda ng araw ngayon, I never felt this before lalo nung mawala sya. I should thank Hakob for doing this, for letting me feel that I'm alive again. I inhale all the positive and now I'm starting to exhale all the negatives.
I hope this will be the great start of us.