ROWAN
If you can't be a good child, then at least be useful, even just for once.
Then, I can be useful in this way... Yes.
It will lessen her burden. I am a mere useless child that her husband chose to neglect.
My existence will only remind her that she was not enough as a wife and a woman.
These words kept running on repeat in my mind.
In my death dream, every time I opened my eyes, I saw Kadilyan shed tears while looking at me. He kept on weeping and asking for forgiveness. It confused me, why he is asking for forgiveness, for what?
It saddens me when I see him weeping. Is it because I'm dead? It's fine, I'm just a nobody. He could find someone better than me. Someone wouldn't be a problem for him, he's a rare and worthy of the best things in this world.
And it's not me.
It was funny, every time I see his cousins standing beside him. They all looked apologetic and concerned at the same time.
They totally shouldn't be needed to felt bad about not being able to treat me better, it's fine, I'm not that important. They shouldn't feel sorry.
I was also surprised when I saw my mother with them. They were all trying their best to comfort her. It was wonderful to see that they can be with my mother, hoping it will also happen in reality and not only in my death dream.
Time will heal them, they will be happier without me.
After seeing them, I went back to the darkness. It was comforting to be there. It was not suffocating like the darkness in reality. It felt like I'm just sleeping with blank dreams.
I can't feel anything at all in this darkness!
"Rowan Mei."
Eh? I heard someone was calling me.
"Rowan." That was weird, its voice sounded like my half-brother. "Rowan." Suddenly, the darkness started to fade away.
Oh, even on my death dream, my half-brother appears?
When I stared at him, he grinned widely.
Ang harsh naman, ito ba ang kabayaran sa kasalanan na ginawa ko? Kailangan 'yung mga taong nagpahirap sa buhay ko pati sa kamatayan ay hahabulin ako? Baka ang susunod na bumisita sa akin, e' ang tatay ko? Nako naman.
I decided to ignore what he was saying and went back to the darkness.
Lubayan niyo na ako at magpakasaya sa buhay niyo.
But instead of going back, something snapped inside of my head and felt the warmth of his hands that had been twisting my feet. A dull pain that I started to be aware of. The sensation added when I felt he dug his nails into it.
It registered in my shitty mind that I need to fucking stop him and beat his shit until he dies, too.
"Ahh," I screamed in pain and abruptly rose from dreaming. I tried to grab him. Unfortunately, something stopped me by wrapping around me.
Let me fucking go!
"Aah," I yelled louder, locking my eyes to Lilo. I tried to bring my body nearer to him, forcefully twisting my body so it'll release me.
Let go!
The increasing rage I felt inside of me as I kept on trying to unbound myself from the thing that was wrapping me. I could hear a buzzing sound around me that I can't seem to understand.
What the fuck is this?
"Pota, let go," I cussed suddenly. I paused. "Pota?"I repeated as I asked a question to myself. I stopped from rampaging when I realized mybullshit. I started to roam around my eyes to every nook of the room.
Kadi was the one who was stopping me?
His eyes were sore from crying. He tightened his hug on me and buried his face in my shoulder.
"Enough with crying," I said to him, trying to push him away from me.
Unexpectedly, I ended up with a confirmation. "Holy shit, buhay ako?" I ushered in surprise. Bigla naman akong sinampal ni Kuya, na 'ouch' naman ako agad.
Fuck, what the hell, I've been alive for a while and just thought I was dead? I'm so fucking lunatic.
From the moment, I realized how crazy I was. The rare beauty beside me kept on crying and endlessly holding my hand.
"I said stop crying!" I scowled. He never spoke, opposite from his cousins that kept on barking in front of me. They welcomed me with a bunch of scolding.
Keep barking.
"Hey, are you listening to me?" Thor seriously inquired to get my attention.
"Yes, doc," I quickly answered. He drew a long sigh and pressed the bridge of his nose.
"Oy, Señorita. Are you still," Pil deliberately paused, brought his forefinger near to his ear and made a gesture in a circular motion.
My laughter echoed in the room. Subsequently, I noticed Win glaring at me. Even I was confused about why he's mad at me, I waved at him that made him look away.
Tangina mo.
My gaze ended up with Lilo, who was busy cleaning up his nails while standing, his other hand crossed over his chest. When he noticed, he raised a brow and signaled to me.
I clicked my tongue. I glance to Kadi, slowly lowered my head toward him.
"Beauty, can you buy something to eat? " I whispered to him. I lifted his chin to see how sore his eyes from crying for so many days.
"You and your cousins need to eat something pleasant tonight, okay?" I gently told to him, pressing my forehead to his. He blushed yet shook his head in melancholy. "Go, I insist."
Kahit labag man sa kalooban niya, nagpasya siya na agad umalis kasama ang mga pinsan niya.
I waved at him before he left. Lilo swiftly ran toward me, spreading his arms wide. "You, crazy sister," he immediately wrapped his big arms around me, attacking me short kisses in my cheeks.
"Get off!"
"Do you know how hard it was, preventing this news upon reaching father's ears?" he softly scolded, then he continued raining me with kisses. Yuck!
I remained in silence as my hand squeezed into a fist. "I'm always sorry for all the things, but you know I can't give up things for you," he said, trying to unclench my fist.
He kissed my nose. "Even though you always sneer at me. You matter to me. I hope you know how much you mean to me. You are my sister. Sana marealize mo kung gaano kita pinahahalagahan." He slightly laughed, forcing my stare to meet his.
"Please, look at me," he said sounded like begging, slightly slapping my face.
I frowned when I finally looked at him. "I already told you, do not let anyone hurt you. My line also means that it includes you. Do-not-hurt-yourself," he said, emphasizing the last words he spoke.
A sudden outburst of tears ran out of my eyes as I looked at him. "Rowan, my stubborn sister, you know I can't help you every time. And you know how sorry I am, for being such an incompetent brother," he said to me as he also cries.
He wiped his tears with his thumb. "Please, protect yourself from my mother—from our father! And," he paused when his voice cracked up. "I love you, I love you, and I'm sorry. Heal yourself and fight again. I'll be waiting."
"I hate you. I will always hate you," I stubbornly stated.
"I know," he agreed and kissed my forehead.
I detested Lilo, since the day I saw him. I had always, and will forever be. My hatred that turned into an unending vine. It was from the moment, he proved that he was better than me, no—when I admitted that he was the best.
We both backed away from each other when Kadi and his cousins went back. "It surprised me when you two finally entangle your path again," he said in a low voice where I can only hear it.
He patted my head, but I slapped his hand away. "You both should stay together until the end," he told me and jerked his thumb pointing at Kadi.
"He's a good man, but an idiot sometimes," he uttered that surprised me, sounding like they are close friends.
I raised a brow.
"Brat." Kadi interrupted as he hesitantly offered me a portion of food.
Yieeh. Ang sweet talaga.
"I love you, Kadi," I said out of the blue.
The room was filled with silence. They were all shocked by what I just said and how crazy I could be. I smiled, turning back my gaze to Kadi and wink at him.
Kinurot naman bigla ni Lilo 'yung tagiliran ko. Ouch, enebe.
To be continued...