[love feels like loneliness sometimes]
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I woke up still in the drivers seat. There was a paramedic reaching across me, unbuckling my seatbelt. I shifted slightly. When the woman realized I was conscious, she started talking.
"Hey. Stay with me now, okay? You were in an accident," she said. The seatbelt came undone and I looked around.
Who was next to me? It was Liam, wasn't it?
"Where are my brothers?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said, "I need to get you out of the car. Does anything hurt?"
My head was throbbing.
"No, I'm fine. I think... I'm fine. Where are my brothers? Niall?" I asked again. The woman picked me up and sat me on a gurney. "Niall?" I asked again, looking around.
The back end of our car was smashed. Who was in the back? I couldn't remember. The vehicle that ran into us, a moving van, was totaled.
There was a man standing outside of it, talking on the phone.
"Niall!" I shouted.
"What's your name?" A paramedic asked. He had came to meet the other lady, or maybe he had been there the whole time. I looked at him and scrunched my eyes shut.
"Shit. Mickey, McKenna. I had boys with me in the car. Like teenage boys. Where are they?" I asked.
They lifted me into the ambulance and shut the doors before answering.
"We don't know," the female paramedic said.
"Do you know if they're okay?" I asked. "Look, my brother, Niall. He, his friends, my best friend, I was with all of them. Are they okay?"
"You hit your head really hard," the woman said. She shone a flashlight into my eyes which made me hiss and pull away from her. "It knocked you unconscious for a few minutes. You probably have a concussion, and definitely need to go to the hospital. Where are your parents?"
"My brother is my guardian, fuck," I mumbled. "I need to make sure he's okay."
I tried to stand up off the gurney, but realized there were multiple restraints holding me down. I thrashed. "Easy," the man said softly.
"Just tell me if they're okay!" I said.
"All we know is that there was one fatality. We don't know from which vehicle, gender, age, anything," he said. He pushed my shoulders down onto the gurney.
I knew they knew something more than they were saying.
What happened? I was driving. Liam was next to me. What happened after that? How did I get from there to here?
How did I let this happen to the only people who love me?
"Where's Liam?" I asked, looking around.
"McKenna, you're in shock," a paramedic said, "I need you to try and relax for me. We don't know where anyone from your car is."
I scrunched my eyes shut for a few seconds and then blinked multiple times. I looked to the woman for answers, trusting her more. Because of course I trusted her more.
"What happened?"
"You were hit by a drunk driver," the male paramedic explained, "you couldn't have seen him coming. It's not your fault. It's a blind intersection and he ran the light."
"Okay," I said.
"We're almost to the hospital, okay? Just hang in there for me, try to keep breathing," the woman said.
"I don't need to go to the hospital. I'm fine."
Neither paramedic answered me. I looked at the ceiling of the ambulance, lost in thought.
Someone died. Which one of the people I love died?
-
The ride to the hospital was short.
I was laying on a bed in the emergency room with my eyes closed, trying not to think about my missing brothers and best friend. A doctor pulled the curtain back and I sat up.
"Did you find them?" I asked.
"Find who?" she asked. The tag on her coat said Dr. Samantha Hayes.
"The people I was in the car with. They're like, 19. Five boys and a girl. Are any of them here?"
"No, you're the only victim from the accident they brought in. Can I take a look at your eyebrow?" Dr. Hayes asked. I brought my hand up to my right eyebrow and winced. My fingers came away bloody.
"I didn't know that was there," I said.
"Let me clean it up for you, okay?" Dr. Hayes asked again. I nodded, and she began laying out the medical supplies. "You have an American accent."
"I grew up there. I moved to London with my brother after he got guardianship of me."
"And your brother was in the accident with you?"
"Yeah," I whispered.
"Do you have anyone you can call?"
"I don't have my phone, I think I lost it somewhere."
"Okay, that's fine. I'm sure one of the people from your car will turn up looking for you."
"Yeah," I said again.
"Since we can't get ahold of your brother, you're going to have to make your own medical decisions."
"Oh."
That was something I did before I met Niall. When I was a ward of the state. Now, I wasn't. I belonged to a family. At the end of the day, until I turned eighteen, Niall had full say of what I did. So where was he?
Why am I alone again?
Dr. Hayes put the last stitch in my eyebrow.
"Okay. Can you admit yourself so we can keep you overnight for observation?"
"No," I said, "no, I'm not going to be here all night. I need to go find someone. Anyone. I don't need to stay here, I'm fine."
"McKenna-"
I cut her off, already knowing she couldn't let me leave. "Can I just... stay in a waiting room or something? So I can wait for them?" I asked.
The doctor sighed and nodded.
-
I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair, my elbows resting on my knees, when the door opened.
My head snapped up, hoping for one of the boys.
Instead, it was a man dressed in a suit.
"Hi, McKenna," he said. I sat up slowly. "My name is David Patterson. I'm a social worker."
He had an American accent, I noticed.
"No," I said, "I don't need a social worker. I need my brother. Where's Niall? Why haven't any of my brothers been here yet?"
"Slow down," David said. He put his hand on my knee and I moved my legs away from him. "Your brother Niall is your legal guardian right?"
"Yeah," I said.
"I don't know where any of the passengers to your car are. But you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that your guardian is the person who was killed in the accident."
I looked at him with big eyes.
Because I hadn't even thought of that.
"What, um, what happens to me if he-?" I cut myself off, not able to say it.
"The other boys your brother is friends with don't have legal custody of you, and you're not a citizen of the United Kingdom. You would be sent back to America and put into the Foster Care System."
"No," I whispered, "no, I can't go back to that."
"That's worst case senerio," David said.
"Don't talk to me like this is a business meeting! This is my life! I can't go back, I won't, I can't do that again," I pleaded with the man who I knew didn't care, "you have to understand. If I go back to that I- I don't even know, I'll probably die, I-"
"You won't have a choice. I just want you to know what could happen."
"Can you please just find my brothers?" I whispered.
"McKenna-"
"Please find my brothers!" I screamed. My voice cracked and tears finally dropped out of my eyes. "I can't go back into foster care! I can't! I need them!"
"I need you to try to calm down," David said slowly.
"I can't live without them," I pleaded, "please find them, okay? I need to see them. Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan. My best friend Cassie Parker," I rambled, "you don't get to sit here and tell me that I have to go back when you don't even know if they're okay. That's my family."
"I'll be back in the morning to take you if your guardian isn't located," David said. He patted my knee once, which I took offensively, and then left.
As soon as he shut the door I broke down into sobs.
I couldn't go back.
They can't make me leave the boys. Liam could adopt me or something, right? Unless he didn't want me.
Unless seeing me reminded him of my dead brother.
No, I thought, Niall's not dead. I don't know he's dead so he's not dead.
And then an afterthought: please don't let any of them be dead.
-
I was staring at the wall in front of me, barely even breathing, when I heard him speak. I shrugged a blanket off of my shoulders and stood up frantically, scrambling to the door of the private waiting room.
I pulled the door open and ran to him eagerly, wrapping him in a desperate hug that made his feet stumble back from the force. He probably didn't even see me coming.
"Oh, princess, thank god," Zayn said. He held me tight, pressing the back of my head into his chest with one hand. "Thank fucking god," he whispered again. My hands grabbed at his shirt and balled into fists.
"Zayn," I sobbed. "I was so scared! I-"
"Sh, princess, I know," Zayn said softly. He put a kiss on the top of my head and squeezed me tighter. "S' alright. Are you hurt?"
"I think I have a concussion," I said, "are you? Is everyone?"
"No, I'm good. The boys are good."
"They're okay?" I asked, looking up at him.
"They didn't tell you?" Zayn asked. I shook my head no. "We all got out of the car right away and got pulled somewhere else. We're all okay. I'll call them and have them come here, yeah?"
"Please," I said. I unclenched his shirt and instead wrapped my arms all the way around him.
Zayn rested his chin on the top of my head and clicked buttons on his phone behind me. He pressed it to his ear.
"Hey, I found her. She's okay. It's the hospital on the same street as that good Italian place," Zayn said into the phone. He paused, listening to what the other boy was saying. "No, she's pretty shaken up, but she's not hurt. Well, a little, but I don't even think she's admitted she met me at the desk. Yeah, I'm with her." Another pause. "Of course I'm not going to leave her. I'm not dumb. Okay, bye."
Zayn hung up the phone and wrapped his arms around me again.
"McKenna? You should sit," A nurse said, "I'll send your brothers in when they get here."
I pulled away from Zayn and nodded for him to follow me. We went into the small waiting room and sat as close to each other as we realistically could. His arms were wrapped around me and I rested my head on his shoulder.
I heard Niall before I saw him. He was taking to the receptionist frantically, trying to figure out where I was. Zayn put his hands on my waist when I shot up.
"Easy, princess, you've got that concussion," Zayn mumbled, standing up behind me.
Niall opened the door and we ran to each other. He picked me up off the ground and buried his head in my neck. "Thank god you're safe," he said. He let me go, pushed me back to look me over, and then pulled me into him again. "Oh, Mick, I was scared to death. I don't know what I would do."
My thoughts exactly.
"Me too," I whimpered.
"Come on, don't hog our girl," Liam mumbled, grabbing at my arm. Niall reluctantly let me go and Liam got a hold of me instead. "They made me leave you. I didn't want to, I wanted to get you out of the car but they wouldn't let me. They said a paramedic needed to, I couldn't wake you up."
"Shh," I whispered. "I'm not upset with you, it's okay. You did good."
"Peaches," Liam whispered. He gave me another hard squeeze before letting go.
Louis had his arms wrapped around me before I could think. He didn't say anything, not at first. He just held my head against his chest. His heartbeat echoed in my ears. "I thought we lost you," he said finally, "can't ever scare me like that ever again."
"I'm right here," I said, "not going anywhere."
Louis waited for me to pull away.
When I did, I looked up at Harry. He had this look on his face, written across his features, that told me something was horribly wrong. I took a step towards him and he opened his arms.
When I went into them, Harry broke down. He grabbed at my hoodie desperately, sniffling loudly. I'd never seen a grown man cry like that.
"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" I asked. I held him tight, and turned my head to look at Liam with wide, questioning eyes. Liam had the same sort of pained look on his face.
And that's when it made sense.
My stomach dropped.
"Where's Cassie?" I asked.
Harry took in another shuddering breath and grabbed onto me tighter. Liam softly shook his head no, and I understood.
Cassie wasn't here.
She was the fatality from the accident.
My knees went weak. "Oh," I whispered. I held onto Harry tighter. I had just lost my best friend, but he had just lost the girl he loved. Harry was a blubbering mess above me. I ran my fingers through his hair, shushing him gently. "I know, I'm so sorry, H."
Louis wrapped his arms around both of us. Liam, Zayn, and Niall took the hint and followed Louis. The five of us held each other until Harry stopped crying. It took a little while.
I sat down in one of the chairs, feeling lightheaded. I leaned forward and closed my eyes tight, trying not to cry. I need to be strong for Harry. But I had just lost my best friend in the universe, the one person I told everything to. It felt like the world stopped spinning.
Again.
The boys sat in the chairs next to me. Niall held one hand and Harry had the other. We stayed like that for a long time.
"We should get home," Liam said, "it's the middle of the night, I think we all need some rest."
Niall pulled me up.
"Give us a minute first," Niall said. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the waiting room, down the main hallway, and into another one that was out of sight. He stopped as soon as he knew we were hidden from peoples sight, turning back and grabbing both of my hands.
"Harry isn't here," Niall said softly. "I know you feel like you need to hold yourself together for him, but he's not here right now. It's just me and you."
My eyes searched Niall's face, and I knew he was being genuine with me. Because he knew me. And I did try, I tried to keep myself together.
But my lip started to tremble, and my eyes watered over.
I wrapped my arms around Niall and bursted into tears. The awful kind of tears that makes your throat hurt and your nose runny, the kind that makes any effort to talk just come out as some sort of pained noise.
"Let it out," Niall whispered. He adjusted his grip around me and rubbed my back slightly.
My best friend is dead. She's gone and I'm never going to see her again.
Why do I always lose the people I love?
"I can't-!" I gasped. "Niall-!"
Niall shushed me gently and held onto me tighter. "I'm right here, Mick. It's gonna be okay."
Do things only get okay so they can become bad again?
After about 10 minutes, I pulled myself together. I stepped out of Niall's hold and gave him a weak smile. He sighed and grabbed my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs. I sniffled and smiled more genuinely at his caring act.
"Home?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
We walked back to the other boys and they didn't question why we were gone or what we did. Instead, Liam pulled me away from Niall and wrapped his arm around me instead. The six of us walked outside and to a different SUV.
Liam and I climbed into the back. I stayed close to him, throwing my legs over one of his. I curled forward and let out a deep breath.
Cassie was dead. But at that exact moment, the only thing I felt was grateful that the rest of us walked away from the accident with scrapes and bruises.
-
I woke up the next morning in Liam's bed. He was still asleep, snoring softly. The events from last night hit me like a ton of bricks. The accident, the hospital, the death of my best friend. I rolled over to wrap my arm around Liam.
"Hey, peaches," Liam mumbled tiredly.
"Can you adopt me?" I whispered.
"Say that again?" Liam said, sitting up. I pulled my arm off of him and sat up as well.
"Can you, like, adopt me? Like you and Niall both have custody over me?"
"Why would we do that? Why would I do that?"
"Nevermind," I said, shrugging it off.
"No, hey, wait. Why?"
I sighed a soft sigh and looked at him.
"Last night at the hospital, before you all or Zayn got there, a social worker came in and told me that if anything happens to Niall before I turn 18 I'll be put back in the American Foster Care System because none of you guys have custody over me."
"Oh, peaches, we wouldn't let that happen to you! If Niall would have... the rest of us wouldn't let them take you back! You're family to us," Liam said. His hand reached out to grab my knee. I put my hand of top of his and grabbed onto a couple fingers.
"It's not that simple, Liam. Legally speaking I would have to go back. And if James' lawyers found out I was back they could petition the court to let James out of prison early because he was the last person who had custody of me."
"They would really do that?"
"Yeah, because I didn't press charges," I said softly, "he's in prison now because the other girl put him away. And there were some pictures of me, and stuff, you know, that they had found, but they couldn't say who the pictures were of because I was a minor."
"You've thought about this happening?" Liam asked.
"Yeah, you know, I used to think you guys would get tired of me and Niall would reverse the guardianship," I confessed.
"Peaches-"
"Come on, you know how I was! Are you that surprised?" I asked. Liam ran a hand through his hair and I sighed. "Just, forget I asked, okay?"
"Wait!" Liam said, grabbing onto my hand when I tried to stand up. "I'll do it. I don't want you to ever worry about going back to him. I can talk to Niall and everything."
"Really?"
"Of course," Liam said, pulling me into a hug. "We're already family, might as well get a piece of paper and make it official. I couldn't live with myself if I knew you were with James again." I wrapped my arms around him tightly and took a few deep breaths.
"I can't go back to living that way, I can't," I whispered.
"You won't," Liam promised, "now come on, let's get some food in you."
He and I went downstairs into the kitchen and met Zayn, Louis, and Niall. They were slumped over their bowls of cereal.
"Hey, princess. How's your head?" Zayn asked, looking up.
"Sore," I said, "but I'm fine."
"Hey, I found this last night," Niall said. He slid my phone over the counter to me and I smiled a soft smile.
"Did anyone tweet and say we're okay?" I asked. The boys shook their heads no.
I unlocked my phone and stared at my wallpaper. It was a picture of Cassie and I. Zayn coughed slightly and I blinked and refocused, going into Twitter.
The boys and I are alright, we walked away with minor bumps and bruises.
"Do I mention Cassie?" I asked, looking up. No one nodded to agree or disagree.
My stylist and good friend, Cassie Parker, passed away last night. Please, everyone, stay safe and don't drink and drive. Xx.
I pressed send tweet without another thought. The other boys sent out similar tweets, letting everyone know we were okay.
"Where's H?" I asked, suddenly realizing he wasn't at the table with us. Liam sat a bowl of cereal down in front of me, along with my prescription Ibuprofen.
"Bar, probably," Louis said. I sighed and nodded, shoveling a spoonful of cheerios into my mouth.
"Fuck," I mumbled, standing up. "I'm supposed to go to the studio today, I was supposed to be there at like 8:00-"
"Woah," Liam said, "sit down, you're not going."
"I just need to-"
"No, you just need to stay here with us and relax. Eat your cereal," he said with a no-nonsense tone, nudging me back into my seat. I reluctantly ate another bite of cereal.
"Simon is going to be mad at me."
"Simon doesn't expect any of us to be in the studio until next week. He's pretty awful but he's not a monster. He understands the situation, kid," Niall said, "you can relax."
I sighed.
"Okay," I said.
But I couldn't relax.
I was too busy thinking of what, exactly, could go wrong next?