I look at Harry astounded, mouth gaping. Why in the world does he want to walk me to my car? I mean I'm just a random girl he met less than a week ago. Sure we've had some great conversations tonight but that doesn't change the fact that we only just met. I can't wrap my head around why he's being so nice, way nicer than he has to be. Though at this point I'm not sure why I'm shocked. This past week Harry has shown that he's incredibly kind and caring and even though it feels like my opinion of him has changed in a matter of hours I'm still surprised when he does something nice.
"You want to want to walk me to my car?"
"Yeah of course, I mean it's hardly safe for you to be walking around alone at 2 in the morning." He says as we walk out the door, as if it's self-explanatory. Which I guess it is for him but it certainly isn't for me. I don't think I've ever had somebody offer to walk me to my car, or anywhere for that matter, so I'm slightly taken aback. The disappointment I felt earlier about leaving him fades away and I'm struck with the reality that I actually enjoy spending time with him. What am I going to do when I have to cut off contact with him after I publish the article? I have to stop this right now. From now on I have to see all the time I spend with him as work, just another thing I have to do for my job. The article comes first.
"So what did you think of the show?" Harry asks me. This gives me the perfect opportunity to get more information for the article. If I can just keep the conversation centred around One Direction maybe I can come out of tonight with something useful. It's not like I didn't learn anything tonight, it's more that I feel tonight's conversations were too personal to publish. Not to mention that they were mostly centered around Harry, which is great and all but I was asked to write about the band not Harry.
"It was really good. A much better experience then last time I have to say, considering I didn't get anything spilled on me."
"Good to know I'm still the only one that's walked in on you changing in a bathroom."
"How do you know that?" I tease back, easily falling back into the banter we had established earlier on in the night.
I can't keep doing this, having fun, light hearted conversations with him that make me like him more and more. I can't afford to keep enjoying my time around him, not when I know it will end with him hating me. I have to focus on the article, I have to or else I don't know what I'll do.
"What's it like, you know being in one of the biggest bands in the world." I say trying to redirect the conversation back to the boys.
"Wow that's a loaded question... um god I don't know it changes all the time I guess. I mean of course this is one of the most amazing experiences of my whole life and I'm sure I'll look back on it in years to come and think about how lucky I was, but I guess it's not always as perfect as it seems. Look can I be completely honest with you?"
Fuck! Harry's putting so much trust in me and I know I'm going to have to throw it back in his face for my career. I feel so conflicted right now. My whole life I've been so driven, so career focused but right now I wish more than anything that I was just a little less ambitious. That I could enjoy this moment without the worry and guilt that accompanies it. I'm tempted to end this all now, to tell James that I can't write this article and just enjoy this time I'm spending with Harry. But I know I can't so I turn all my focus on collecting as much information as possible instead of the crushing guilt swirling in my stomach.
"Of course you can." I feel like a complete asshole saying that. Here Harry is thinking that he's safe to share his thoughts and feelings and I'm readily exploiting his trusting nature.
"Sometimes I wish that it never happened. Don't get me wrong I love the band, I love the boys and the fans and I love being able to create and share my music but...but sometimes it gets too much. Nowadays everyone knows who I am and are constantly watching me, waiting for me to stuff up. Sometimes I just think about how much easier my life would have been if it never happened at all. Sometimes I think about how I could just be me without fear or judgment if this never happened. That being said I don't think I'd change anything that has happened. I meant what I said, I love everything I get to do, the music I get to make, the lives I get to touch, it's all so important to me."
I don't know what to say to him at this moment. He's being so open and vulnerable with me and I'm taken aback by the emotion behind his words. When I asked about the band I expected the same answer everyone gives, an ode to good times and great moments, a romatised, simplified version of life that is written by PR firms and management teams. I was not expecting a heartfelt, realistic look into the disruptive life that can occur simultaneously with fame and fortune.
"That makes sense I guess. I mean I obviously can't relate, not fully at least, but I can understand how all the attention and the publicity must be difficult to deal with. It must be so frustrating to live knowing everyone is judging your every move, I honestly don't know how you do it. I just hope that whenever you wish it didn't happen you remember how big of an impact you guys have had on people's lives. I know people whose lives have been completely transformed because of your music. That's something to be proud of Harry, you've become an inspiration to so many people. I know sometimes it's hard but the way your music makes a difference must be worth the bad stuff." I say, trying to reassure him.
"That's one of the major reasons why I would never quit. The fans, they mean everything to me and even though being in the band has become so controlling I wouldn't leave them."
"Controlling? What do you mean?" I ask. What could possibly control such a massive high profile band?
"Oh..shit...oh god...I..I shouldn't have said, that's meant to stay in the band." Harry stutters out, looking away from me and speeding up his walk. Whatever's going on must be bad if it causes him to become so uncomfortable and closed off despite not even sharing any information. I know that I can't use anything he says after this in my article, it's too vulnerable, too personal. I may be mildly manipulating him for this article but sharing this would be too far even for me.
"Hey hey it's ok." I stop walking and grab his wrist, forcing him to turn around and look at me. "Look I'm not going to force you to talk about it but just know that I'm here to listen. That being said, whatever's going on is obviously bothering you a lot and if you don't feel comfortable telling me you need to speak to someone else. It's not healthy to keep this all bottled up Harry." It's clear that Harry's not okay right now and at this moment the article is the last thing on my mind. For some reason all I want to do is make him feel better. I try to convince myself that's because of how he helped and supported me earlier on tonight, that it's just me returning the favour, but even my desperate brain can tell that's a lie.
Harry doesn't say anything at first, instead he stares directly into my eyes and I can tell he's trying to figure out what to do. I find myself wanting him to tell me, not so I can get information but because I want to stop him looking so worried and upset.
"Just please don't tell anyone this, god they'd kill me if it got out, but our management isn't the greatest. I mean they're always forcing us to tour or do interviews or produce music and it's like we never get a break. There's times where we're all so tired and overworked but it almost seems like they don't really care. Like they push and they push and they push and it just never stops. We love all our fans and love being able to give back to them by releasing music but it's almost gotten to a point where we're not even producing music because we want to but because we have to. Like we wrote and recorded almost all of this album while we were touring for Midnight Memories because our management team already sold tour tickets. I mean it just added so much more stress to an already stressful job." Harry tells me, sounding almost hesitant but growing more confident as he continues. It's like the flood gates he was so desperately trying to keep closed have opened and he can't seem to stop the everything tumbling out. The words keep coming and coming like he no longer has control over them, like it would be impossible to keep them locked up any longer.
The thing is he's not even angry, upset and stressed maybe but not angry, and that's almost more heartbreaking to me. It's like he doesn't think he deserves to be angry about it, like it's not important enough to get angry over or even worse, that he's had to deal with it for so long that he doesn't even have the energy to be angry.
"And they almost seemed happy when all those articles portraying me as a playboy came out, like it was part of their plan or benefited them in some way. I mean they didn't ask me if I was ok with it you know? They didn't consult me, there was no communication. One day I was your average teenage boy and the next I woke up and was a massive player. Really I just don't understand, who wants to portray a 16 year old as a playboy anyway?"
What do I even say to something like that? How do I respond to him after he's been so vulnerable with me, especially because I'm a fraud. In the short time I've known him he's been so open with me and all I've done is use him, and the worst part of all this is that he doesn't even know it. He doesn't know about my job or the article or anything and he still trusts me. But that's what I wanted isn't it? I wanted him to trust me so I could write this amazing exclusive that would send my career into overdrive. But now that it's happened, I don't think I want it anymore. Not if it means I have to do this to people. Harry seems like such a kind soul and I don't want to be responsible for crushing that spirit. I don't want to be the one who hurts him like these people have.
"Harry, that's horrible, they shouldn't have the right or the ability to treat you guys like that. It's not fair, you guys don't deserve to be controlled like that, no one does. You're so strong for putting up with that for as long as you have. I can't even wrap my head around how you've managed to stay sane when you've been treated like crap for so long." I try to convey how sorry I feel that he's been put in this situation without making it seem like I pity him but I struggle to find the words. For some reason I don't feel like what I've said is enough, especially after how he comforted me when we were leaving the show and again at the after party. But I don't know what else to say.
"Thank you, that means a lot. I guess because no one really talks about it I sometimes feel like I'm making it all up. Or maybe not making it up but just building it up in my head and making it seem worse than it is if that makes sense? It's nice to hear from someone else that it's not just all in my head." The way he seems so unsure of himself makes my heart break even further. How long has this been going on for him to convince himself that it's not real?
We continue the rest of the walk in silence, neither of us knowing quite what to say after the conversation we just had. It's not awkward though, it's that rare type of silence that's easy and comfortable. The type of silence that you usually only get with people you've known for a long time. It only takes about 5 minutes for us to reach my car and I find myself disappointed. Despite what he's said I know that I'll never see him again, we have no way of contacting each other so I know that it's not realistic to say we'll keep in touch. Besides if Harry really wanted to see me again he would have given me his number, or at least asked for mine.
"Oh this is my car." I say as I lean up against my white mazda, trying to get my keys out of my purse.
"Oh ok well I've really enjoyed talking to you tonight. I hope we can meet up again sometime" Harry says running his hand through his hair, which I've noticed he does when he's nervous. Why is Harry nervous right now?
"Yeah I had a really great time tonight. Thank you again for inviting me"
"It was no problem, I'm really glad you came."
Neither of us say anything and we fall into an awkward silence. What am I meant to say to him after coming to terms with the fact that I'll never see him again?
"So I um better get going." I say as I turn and point back at my car.
"Oh yeah of course, I'll let you go." Harry says but instead of walking away he starts to lean towards me.
Oh god what is he doing? Is he trying to kiss me? Holy shit I think he's trying to kiss me! What the hell am I going to do if he kisses me? I don't want to kiss him, or at least I don't think I want him to. No I definitely don't, so why am I not moving away?
Harry's so close now that we're almost face to face. I never noticed how beautiful his eyes are, I mean objectively I knew his eyes were beautiful but seeing them up close is a whole different experience. His eyes are so much greener this close but I can also see that they have some golden specks scattered throughout.
Before I can stop myself I hold my breath expecting him to kiss me but instead he kisses me on the check. The moment probably only lasts a second but to me it feels like way longer.
"Bye Alanah."
What the fuck just happend?