Her lungs felt like they were about to burst.
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe—
Her ankle snagged on a tree root, and Sakura stumbled forwards, tucking into a neat roll as she hit the ground. Foot throbbing, she climbed back to her feet slowly, a wince prying its way free from her frozen lips. She was an idiot. A big fat coward.
Around her, the wind whistled, and Sakura could hear the whispers on it. Or were they the whispers in the back of her head? She didn't know. All that she knew was that now she was apparently running away from her problems.
Just like you ran away from Konoha, that snide voice whispered in the back of her mind, and it was at times like those where she really missed Inner. But she had accepted that part of her, and they had become one once more. One battered soul stitched together, like an old teddy bear, by Melkor and his machinations. Sakura chewed on her lip, hating the tears which ran down her cheeks, thick and hot.
"We consider yeh family."
Sakura shook her head, trying to chase away the sound of Gilithien's voice rattling about in her skull. How could they consider her family? She was a monster, and it showed in her eyes. They shifted then, something within those horrid eyes of hers, and Sakura blinked at the sharpness which had suddenly descended upon her vision. She wasn't using her chakra then. Still gasping for breath, she hobbled her way through the forest, stopping only when she reached the river a good distance away. There was a waterfall there, and it was wonderfully quiet.
Even with her throbbing ankle, it was fairly easy to shimmy her way behind the roaring waters, and into the little cave she had found there on one of her many adventures. When Fainbarad hadn't been there to caution her, because what if she slipped and fell into the waters? Sakura snorted. She had chakra, unlike him. She wouldn't be felled by a bit of water, even if it was her polar opposite. Well in every life except her first.
Sighing, she stuck her hand into the stream, relaxing ever so slightly at the silky, cool feeling of the waters she had once been able to manipulate. Fire had come with Inner. With all the changes wrought to her body and soul at the hands of—
Her fist slammed into the cave floor, uncaring about the sting of pain which followed. She wanted to feel pain. She wanted to feel the pain she deserved. She had been lingering at Fainbarad's house, not telling them of the monster she was. But now Fainbarad was so close to figuring it out – figuring out what a monster she was.
Sakura didn't want to be a monster.
She wanted to go back – back to her first life and tell herself to never get involved with Uchiha Sasuke. She wanted to go back to a time before Melkor had messed with her soul itself. Before she became what she had that day. Before she had unleashed her fires upon her foes. But reality was a cruel mistress.
She was a monster.
Her soulmate would never accept her.
Now the two people she had grown to care about were going to find out about what a horrible being she was. About what past sins she carried. Her hands curled into fists, shaking and white. Well, that snide voice whispered, they wouldn't discover anything for certain if she didn't go back... didn't confirm their horrifying suspicions. Sakura screwed her eyes shut, a whimper escaping her then. She sounded like a wounded animal. A wounded monster. But it wasn't physical pain that hurt her so. Mental anguish was a bitch.
She didn't want Fainbarad's eyes to turn cold. She didn't want to have to hear him say, "Get out of my house, monster." Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes at the thought of that happening.
"Ugly," she whispered to herself. "You're so ugly..."
Her fingers prickled then, some sort of shiver of anticipation rolling over her skin, but Sakura fought against the change. She didn't want to change skins. She would only crush things, and the last thing she wanted was anything happening to the village. It was her home.
But monsters don't have homes, do they? that snide voice chimed, and Sakura buried her face in her knees. Hands dug into her skin, talons slicing—
Blinking, Sakura pulled her hands away from her trousers, examining the sharp claws which tipped her fingers. Monster. She flinched, pushing the change back. There had been years of figuring out how to skin-change, and those years of practice didn't fail her then. Her hands went back to being completely human, and Sakura wept.
She hated Sasuke for stabbing her. Repeatedly.
She hated herself more, because it was always her decisions which brought harm to everyone she cared about. Such a rash and hot-headed being you are, the mocking voice whispered. Never thinking before acting. Never thinking before you speak. It's no wonder Sasuke stabbed you...
"Shut up," she muttered, slamming her hand against the floor of the cave, on her hands and knees as she stared down at her own reflection. Dyed brown hair which became pinkish after two or three washes, and those horrid green eyes.
An acrid colour. Like toxic poison.
Just like you then.
"Shut up!" she snarled, hating herself even more. Because the voice wasn't wrong. She really was poison – a blight upon that world. She didn't deserve what she had. She didn't deserve her soulmate. But her greed was an ugly thing.
She wanted Fainbarad and Gilithien. She wanted to stay with them, and laugh when they laughed, and cry when they cried. She wanted to learn how to be human again. How to not be a monster. She wanted to find her soulmate, and she wanted to love and be loved in turn. Her fingers wove through her hair as he buried her face in her hands. She wanted to scream, but the sound wouldn't come, instead the mockery of a snarl did.
She hated herself. She wanted to destroy—
You always do though... destroy, that is, the voice whispered, and Sakura shoved her face into the nearest puddle to drown her sobs. What a horrible creature you are.
"I know," she whispered, water dripping from her face as she stared at the face of a monster. The face reflected at her from the puddle of shimmery water beneath her. It was such a beautiful night outside.
It's just ruined by you.
::
Sakura didn't know how long she sat there for, the sounds of waters rushing past concealing her from the rest of the world. It was a safe space. Though probably not the safest. But nothing could protect her from her own mind. There was no defence against that.
The moon was high in the sky by the time she finally found the vestiges of her courage. She pieced them together slowly, hating the hope in her heart as she did so. The hope which told her, "Yeh family, yeh know, lassie." Sakura screwed her swollen eyes shut, rubbing at the tears furiously. She sounded so weak.
You always have been.
Sakura gritted her teeth together, focusing on her scant few good memories, pushing the voice to one side. Because she had hope, and that hope was enough to quell that little part of herself whispering those hurtful words to her. They said she was family. Family stuck together, didn't they?
"I'm not sure about this Sakura... are you really sure you're cut out for the life of a shinobi?"
Weak.
"Our daughter has a faulty soulmark!" her mother's voice rang out in her mind then, replacing that of her first lifetime's. "Do you realise what kind of looks the neighbours give me when they realise that I gave birth to her?"
Her hand paused on the door handle which was still a bit taller than herself.
"I know," Kizashi whispered, and Sakura peeked through the crack in the doorframe to spy her parents embracing in the kitchen. "I know."
"I'm a terrible mother," Mebuki murmured, hiding her face in her husband's shirt, and Sakura could hear the quiet sobs which came with her mother's confession. "Sometimes... sometimes I wish she hadn't been born at all..."
Her hand fell back to her side, and wordlessly, Sakura stumbled back. Tears bit in the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered, turning around to run back up the stairs – to run and hide away in her room, where nobody else could see her cry. "I'm sorry I was born."
Shaking her head, Sakura pushed the memory away. Her soulmark wasn't faulty there. A small smile curved at her lips. That realisation had come just a bit too late for her. It wasn't like there was anything she could do about that now. Time was cruel. Reality was even crueller – to give her a chance to meet her soulmate as she had so longed to in the Elemental Nations. Her hands shook, fists balled up, knuckles white. There would be no happy ending for her. Those only existed in fairy-tales.
She just wanted it to stop. She wanted everything to stop – the voices, the despair she felt at the thought of her soulmate, the pain she felt whenever she looked at Fainbarad and Gilithien. She wanted the uncertainty of whether Fainbarad and Gilithien would accept her gone too, and there was only one way to do just that.
Tell them.
Tell them everything – her side of the story. How she had been betrayed, how she had made a mistake and taken her anger out on that world, just because she had wanted someone, somewhere to love her. Steeling herself, she took a deep breath in, looking at the rushing waters shielding her away from the rest of the world. Rock crunched under her feet, stones skittering into the pool of water beneath as she made her way back along the narrow ledge she used to gain access to her little den of solace.
This was it, she decided, sucking in a sharp breath as she turned to face the direction of the village. This was when she received her answer.
Light flickered in the distance, and Sakura frowned as she made her way back to the quaint village. She couldn't have been gone more than three hours at most. Fainbarad and Gilithien would probably be asleep, but she could tell them in the morning. Her stomach clenched, her nose twitching as the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end.
The village was lit up, like it had been when they had all lit lanterns in the celebration of some day Sakura wasn't really sure of. But it wasn't a festival, and the village looked so bright—
And she could taste the scent of smoke in the air.
And something else she was far too accustomed to, having spent plenty of time using her own fire techniques she now loathed, as well as fighting with and against those who used similar techniques.
Like something had been cooked.
Sakura wasn't naïve enough to think someone had barbeque, and she gagged on the taste, because it couldn't be. What kind of creature could take out a whole village using fire in under a couple of hours?
You know.
Her begrudging walk turned into a jog, which then became a sprint. Because she saw them. The flames. She saw something which shouldn't have been there. The destruction. Not there. Not that village. Not with her there to protect the place. "No," she whispered, hating the tear trails which rolled down her face. "No!" she yelled, mind racing to think of what had transpired without her there. Maybe the bakers had caught fire and it had spread? Maybe Fainbarad and Gilithien had evacuated...?
Who are you kidding? the voice whispered, sly and taunting. You know exactly what happened... how could you not?
There had been that lingering sense of familiarity and danger, which hadn't made sense to her however many hours ago. A sense that something was coming, but it hadn't registered as a threat. Not to her. Trees had been knocked down, a trail of destruction and fire blazed through the village. Not the work of a fire which had started in the village and spread. The buildings around her were burning, though most were subsiding, wood of the hut walls blackened and crumbling in in places.
She could see them, if she really looked.
Corpses, blackened, burnt, some turned half to ash, mouths opened to scream as they had burnt alive in their beds. Bile rose in her throat then. Fainbarad was a Ranger... He would have... It was his job to...
"Please," she whispered, sprinting through the lifeless village, heart in her throat as she reached the familiar gate to the blackened property. It fell of its hinges, landing in a clatter of burnt wood and stirred ash. "Please..."
Frantic, she looked around, praying for a miracle.
But she knew.
She knew the universe was rarely so kind to her. A low whine escaped her, legs giving out as she caught a flash of bone. She was far too well acquainted with the colouring. Shinobi dealt with injury and death on a daily basis... but these people in Eriador...
"I didn't even get to tell them anything," she muttered, staring at the broken world which seemed so far away. "I didn't get to find out whether you would accept me..."
She knelt there, surrounded by flame and ash, bitter laughter escaping her then as she turned her head towards the clouds. Nothing had changed. She was a monster, and she brought destruction everywhere.
Not this time, the voice whispered to her then. You know what manner of being stole something from us. The seductive song drifted over her, and Sakura pulled herself out of her grief for a split second. Everything clicked into place then, and she shook her head, trying to chase the idea that snide part of herself had presented. You know you want to, the voice purred.
Her hands dug into her legs, breaths coming in pants even as heated air dried her skin. Fire barely affected her in either form. Talons, thick and black, dug into the fabric of her trousers. "Control," she muttered, quashing the voice as much as she could as she shuffled away from the smouldering rubble of what had been her home for the past couple of years.
It would only make things worse to transform, to shed her skin and assume the even more monstrous skin than the one she currently wore. Sakura screamed, fury, terror, and hatred fuelling her lungs. She wanted revenge. But she was angry. And she knew what her anger had wrought last time. She had sworn to change and change she would.
But change was hard.
Blood dribbled from where her talons broke the skin of her legs, pain making her focus. She wouldn't give into her desires. She wouldn't change and decimate the being who had ruined her newest life in Eriador. No. She would bury her dead. Bury the ones she had grown to care for in that place. She would mourn – that was supposed to be healthy, and then—
Sakura didn't know what came after.
She was lost. Alone.
I told you before – monsters always are.