“I really don’t understand why we keep meeting at times when I really don’t need to see you” he deadpans, but my wasted mind reads none of the hate he’s throwing my mind
I giggle and lean my upper body on the table, trying to get my tired mind to sleep
“I really need to sleep, but I need company to get home since Muna is playing hanky panky” I sigh dramatically
“I really don’t care,” he says, but I smile because I know he isn’t leaving because he doesn’t want to leave me alone here
I can’t precisely think right now to what I actually want with Jace, but I just implore myself to enjoy my time being with him right now simply because I miss his company the past week we’ve been apart from each other
“I missed you this past few days” my voice is low because I’m already falling asleep
He’s quiet for a while, but I hear his voice break through my dreams “You don’t get to do this to me, Autumn. You don’t get to push me away and break my heart, yet still say that to me. What am I supposed to do? I try to move on, but you’re at every turn I make.”
I don’t bother to intrude on his monologue mainly because I know opening my mouth would only make things worse, so I sit listening to him whilst wishing we were cuddling in a bed
“Let’s go” his arm is wrapped around my waist and is pulling me up
Many many hours before
I wouldn’t want to see my own face in the mirror right now because I’m sure I look like the clown from the wrong side of the track that all the children run away from at kids parties
“You’re kidding!” I jump in glee but pause and turn back to her “No, please don’t be joking. This has to be the best day of my life!” I yell and jumps from spot to spot while laughing like a massaged hyena
“Please quit disturbing my neighbours with your loud voice,” Mrs Black says, but the smile on her face betrays her statement
“Later, she will say that I’m the one that disturbs,” Nina says with her mouth full of fruits she took out of Mrs B’s fridge like she always does
“Oh shut up,” I say to her but finally stop jumping. I still can’t contain my happiness, so my face is split in a grin as I squeal inwardly
“I can see that you a very happy about it so I implore you to handle it with severity in other not to get carried away by the fun of it,” Mrs B says from her seated position in her favourite sofa in her living room
Yes, we have somehow managed to find ourselves at her house to disturb her again. Her smile wasn’t even in the slightest perturbed when she saw us by her front door
“I can’t believe I get to work with Halsey!” my happiness is unable to be swept under the carpet so I’m squealing loudly again and Muna has to place her palm on my lips to shut me up before I stop
“It’s not like you are changing the décor of her entire house, it’s just the studio” she gives me a look before settling back in a sofa to continue munching on fruits
“If she even bothers to think that my dark rainbow project would inspire her upcoming album, I think I should be happy enough and living on the moon right now” I stick out my tongue out her before finally settling in a chair since we got here
“Someone would contact you soon,” she says “Meanwhile, to what do I owe this visit this time?” Mrs Black asks, sipping out of a glass she has beside her
“Don’t talk like we don’t normally barge unannounced into your house” I purr “We miss you.”
“Lies” Nina comments with her mouth full. She swallows and continues “She and Jace are having problems again, and this time it might be permanent.”
“Why am I not even surprised?” Mrs B sighs and sits up “What did she do?” she doesn’t even bother asking me
I am not offended by this at all
“They were on the brink of making up after all this drama, but he confessed his undying love for her, and all hell broke loose; your girl Autumn chickened out” Muna’s reply is swift, righteous and without mercy, as if rehearsed
I roll my eyes and rack my brain for ways to change this conversation because I suddenly feel uncomfortable
“But Autumn dear, isn’t it obvious to you that you love him? Because every other person can certainly seem to tell” Mrs Black comments and I groan
“How do you all claim to know what doesn’t even exist?” I ask begrudgingly
“What else would explain you going through this god-awful circle you two keep engaging yourselves in. There’s so much hurt, confusion and other people’s voices, even mine, in between you two, but you keep choosing each other in the end” she says softly
Why actually do I keep doing this with him? Letting him into my head
My mind is wandering, searching for reasons to Jace and I while also reluctantly reading meaning to what she is saying
When I look up, both Mrs Black and Muna are watching me intently. It’s almost unnerving
“I’m going to have to ask dear,” Mrs Black says “What makes you so entirely sure that you don’t love him?”
I get up from where I’m sitting immediately “Stop asking complicated questions; I need time and space.”
“Are you calculating speed? The hell you need time and space for? Answer the question” Nina says, and I glare at her, but she doesn’t back down as her eyes stare back at me
Mrs Black chuckles and waves her hands in the air “It’s okay! You girls go celebrate Autumn’s win” she stands Muna up and begins pushing us both out of her house
“You just secretly mean, Mrs B” Nina comments as we stand outside on the porch but Mrs Black only smiles at us before shutting her door
“I think she has a man in there somewhere,” I say as we get into Muna’s car and she backs out of the driveway
“But I do take up her offer of celebrating” I wiggle my brows at Muna who grins
“We’re certainly going to a club. I know a nice shop we can get clothes at” she says and makes a quick swerve, nearly throwing me out of the car
“How about we keep me in the automobile while we’re at it, okay?” My smile is fake before rolling my eyes
***
Once again, just like the last time Muna led me into a party, I’m kind of drunk and smiling at a stone-faced Jace that looks like he wants to be nowhere close to me
We’re walking down the road towards the dorms and are almost there, but I almost feel like throwing a tantrum even if I’m the one that got myself into this mess
We have been walking for quite a while now without talking to each other and that so not uncomfortable at all
“It’s kind of cold” I whine to myself and rub my hands together, keeping them folded together
A weight lands on my shoulders and I turn to realise that Jace has placed the jacket he had on on my shoulder, but his face is turned away from mine when I look at him as he continues walking on
I grin and run to catch up with him, but I nearly trip on my own feet “My feet hurt.”
“What? You want my shoes too?” he asks, and I laugh like it’s the funniest thing on earth. He looks at me funny but doesn’t reply till we get right before the dorm building “Go in”
My eyes watch him standing uncomfortably still while the evening breeze whips his curly hair about. I am really resisting the urge to run my fingers through them mainly because I’m sure he’ll swat my hand away in disgust
“Goodnight” I sigh for the thousandth time today and walk away. A simple goodbye befitting the very restless mind of mine. I don’t hear Jace say anything from behind me, so I wrap his jacket tighter around me and walk even faster till I reach my room
I’m grateful when my body hits the bed, and I earnestly try to regain the sleep that I had started back at the club, but that doesn’t happen because my head is consumed with thoughts of Jace
I remember times from when we met, intimate moments and even times that we fought and I’m smiling so hard with a lot of heat in my cheek. A constant image of his mind-turning smile lays in my head when I come to a realisation
“Fuck”
Am I really the only one that didn’t know?