Before I know what's happening, I'm falling over the edge. I hear myself scream. I close my eyes, waiting for my body to reach the molten lava.
But I'm not falling anymore.
I open my eyes and look up. There's Kota, holding onto my wrist, straining so he won't fall over himself, "Hang on, I've got you." He tries pulling me back up, but it's no use.
"Kota, let go", I tell him calmly.
"What? I'm not letting go of you", he tells me as if I'm crazy.
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
I fall silent, "Why not?"
"Because I can't imagine you not being in my life. The others and I, we love you."
I give him a small smile and let my thumb rub his wrist, "I love you and the boys so much, Kota. I'm so thankful that God brought you all into my life. I hope to see you again in Heaven. Give it all to God, Kota. He loves you and so do I. Tell Theo that he needs to get back to God and that I love him. Tell Josh not to let his anxiety take over his life and that I love him.
"And, and tell Ethan", my voice catches. I look down so he can't see my tears. I take a breath and look up at him,"And tell Ethan that I love him. I think I have since I first met him."
"Tell him yourself", Kota grunts, as he grips my wrist with both hands.
I shake my head, "I'm not going to get that chance. You'll have to do it for me.
"I'm not letting you go", he growls.
I hear a yell ring out a little ways down. Kota and I turn our heads towards it. Ethan is just barely hanging on by his finger tips.
"Ethan!" I gasp. I look up at Kota imploringly, "Please! Go save him!"
"I can't let you go!" he cries.
I nod my head, "Yes, you can, and yes, you will." Kota shakes his head. "Please, Kota, save him. For me."
Kota squeezes my wrist tightly, trying not to cry. I squeeze his wrist back, "It's okay." I give him a smile, look over at Ethan, and give him a smile.
Then I let my fingers slide through Kota's grasp.
"No!" he cries out, trying desperately to grab at my hand. I feel our finger tips touch and then there's nothing but air to grab at.
I am falling for real this time, the air around me growing thicker as I come closer to the lava. I kiss my fingers once, twice, three times, and a fourth, for each of my boys. Then I blow them upwards to Kota, who is watching me fall.
I close my eyes and will myself not to scream.