Just as I was getting into the car, he bawled from a few steps behind me, "Say it! Give it to me straight that you never want to see me again! Say it to me now! Tell me how much you hate me, yell it out loud, as loud as you can, as vicious as you can! Otherwise l will keep wanting to chase after you, so give me my death sentence now so I can give up. Please say it! Cheng Yi Chen! Say it Cheng Yi Chen! !"
His voice sounded like an injured wild beast, the anger behind the cry is nothing but a shield for pain.
"Go ahead! Even if it just one sentence, tell me! !"
Perhaps his voice was too sharp a sound, as it came towards me like piercing shards stabbing into my heart.
The car drove away quickly, but the discomfort growing in my chest spread like ink dripping on paper, the stain growing larger and larger.
I heard the sound of someone huffing and gagging as if fatally choking. Qin Lang and my brother both turned their heads towards me in astonishment.
The truth is, I was perfectly capable of leaving this place before they found me.
Moving to a remote area like a clean barren countryside would actually suit me better. The rent would be cheaper, food would be more affordable, and generally life would be easier.
Running a bookstore is by no means a relaxing task, when it came to the nitpicking of any retail business, the multiple tasks to handle really bore me down. I am not a natural talent at paperwork either, it often gives me a headache, not to mention I do not have a good eye for store items. It is also hard to maintain a dilapidated apartment when that is all I can afford in an expensive downtown area.
It really, is not easy.
Despite that, I persisted in struggling through day by day ...... reason being ......
Though I treat him with indifference, but I have never stopped him from coming to look for me ...... reason being ......
I would tell him politely, "Don't trouble yourself next time," yet every time he comes around I would agree to take a ride in his car ....... reason being ......
I still ..... secretly yearn, to see him.
I know he is not a good man. I know if I still love him, then I am a spineless wimp. I know to forgive him would be to discard all self-respect. I know if I do not treat him like dirt, then I would be letting those people whom he had hurt down – Yi Chen, Qin Lang, Zhuo Lan, Wen Yang.
And yes I know I should stay far away from him. And no I do not think that I am trying to move heaven and earth to revive something as trivial as romantic love.
Then, in that case, I will not love him, I surely will not forgive him, I will not have deliberate contacts with him, I will just regard him as an old friend, and if we were to see each other on the streets, I will simply nod at him .......
That's all.
If it is just like that, is it okay?
I just, want to be near him.
I really only want to be, near to him.
"Brother! Have you lost your mind? How can you say something like that! Just because he is acting all pitiful and he treats you a little nicer, you have to ......"
It is not that I cannot part with him just because he is nice to me, it's just, no matter how much grudge I bear towards him, how much I may resent and blame him, I still love him.
Knowing that it is wrong has done nothing to stop my feelings for him. I have desperately tried to swallow it all back in, but in the end, I failed.
I tried to confess it all in fragmented sentences, Yi Chen did not speak, but sat there with a faint tremor. Qin Lang sighed, and signaled to pull the car over to the side of the road, slowly coming to a stop.
"Brother, think for yourself for once, is it right for you to be with him? Are you certain that you will not regret it?" When he finally spoke, it was with an abnormally high-pitch.
I choked back, "Yi Chen ...... for my whole life, I have never done the right thing."
Before he could retort, Qin Lang reached over to rest a hand over his shoulder.
"Yi Chen. Forget it, they're the same as us."
The silence in the car is only broken by the sound of his teeth grinding in agitation.
He suddenly pushed open the car door, turned around and squeezed out, slamming the door shut behind him.
"Yi Chen?" Qin Lang yelled from the lowered car window, "Don't throw a tantrum in the middle of the road now ......."
"I don't fucking care! Do as you like!" He kicked the body of the car in exasperation, "Go! Anyway, the one who is the most unreasonable is me, you guys are so magnanimous, you go ahead!"
"Yi Chen, just forget it okay, come back in, stop this ......"
"Come! Come where? Fucking hell, I will not personally send my own brother into the hands of that crazy bastard, if you want to bring him, then go by yourself!"
When my brother is in a rage, his cheeks would bulge out like this just like when he was a child. He refused to look at me but I could see his eyes reddening with suppressed tears.
"Hurry up and go so you can get back quicker, for fuck's sake, how long are you going to keep me waiting here on the curb! Qin Lang, as for that idiot inside, I don't want to talk to him, you tell him, if anything happens again, he had better have the common sense to escape, don't stay blindly in that bastard's hands to be tortured, even if I want to save him I can't get to him!"
" ...... I'm sorry to make Yi Chen so angry."
" Yi Chen will be able to think it through. He just cares about you too much." Qin Lang is very calm, " It's okay, just let him be. In any case, no one has the right to decide your life for you."
The muscles on my legs are sore, and my chest felt stifled from oxygen deprivation. I have not walked as fast as I am walking right now since I woke up from being comatose.
The detour route was jammed with traffic, the vehicles packed front to back formed an endless queue and the car was not moving. Too anxious to wait, I jumped out of the car and walked. For some reason my stomach is tied up in knots.
Deep down I know fully well that the time I have left with him is not very long anymore, and I am mortally afraid that it will all be wasted in this endless waiting. I can no longer wait and watch for our remaining lives to crumble down before us.
I summoned all the strength and courage in me, the soreness in my legs replaced by a tingling numbness. The surroundings seemed to have quieten down as all noises are drowned out by the sound of a drumming against my eardrums from hyperventilation and pounding heartbeats.
In the end, I could not go on. What little energy I possessed had been drained from me.
I could not walk anymore. My physical endurance has reached its limit.
I tested out another step forward and slumped down in exhaustion. In a crouching position, I pressed my hands over my chest trying to regulate my breathing.
It's okay, take your time, even if you can only go forward at this slow pace, you can make it back to him eventually.
It will just take me a little longer, but I will get there ......
Kneeling down with both knees on the floor, I clutched the shirt over my heaving chest. Suddenly I heard the sharp, heavy breathing of another person coming towards me. At first the sound drifted over from a distance away, but it soon reached me and the source of it stood in front of me, his shoes and pants looking all too familiar.
That's right, even though I have never been able to look him in the eye, I will even take note of the color of the socks he is wearing that day. When it comes to him, every detail is not to be missed – I have never admit it, but he is a treasure I would seriously examine over and over again.
My eyes glimmering with watery tears, I did not raise my head, nor wipe away the salty drops running down my chin, drenching my shirt, but reach out with trembling fingers to grab onto the bottom hem of his pants.