I pull the my hood over my head to protect myself from the biting cold. My socks are damp from the morning dew covered grass and I wiggle my toes for better blood flow. The path to the garden is a small space that is surrounded by the long growing hedge that should have been trimmed a few weeks ago. Mrs. Braun has a variety of vegetables growing on the large space and I move my eyes admiring her work as I walk towards the wall.
"In a small plastic" she said. I look for the plastic and my heart beats with fear that it might have gotten lost in the pile of dirt and it will take longer to find it. Before I convince myself to dig in a pile of compost, I see a small black plastic by the edge of the wall covered by the growing grass, and I a smile appears on my face before I can open it and confirm that it is the one I am looking for. I grab it and put in my pocket with no time to waste in case James comes looking for me. I grab some beetroot from one of the ripe rows, it will be my reason for coming out so early in the morning and I might have to do a smoothie if any actually asks me.
I place the plastic under the bed mattress in the guest bedroom and start my work for the day waiting for James to leave so I can a moment to check it out.
"Did you find it?" Lunette whispers as soon as Max leaves the kitchen.
"Yeah." I say with a smile which earns a happy dance from her. "For a moment I thought it was lost."
"Oh my! I cannot believe that we will be actually doing this."
"Me too. But the problem is how will we place the pen in a way that someone will not take it and put it in their pocket and probably find out that it is not a normal pen. That would be one huge scandal." I say with a giggle.
"We will figure that out. We just need them to leave and then we will have to go to the confession room and find a good hiding spot."
"Yeah. Keep an eye out in case they leave without telling us."
Our conversation is halted by the descending footsteps by the stairs. James enters the kitchen and I think to myself if he might have an idea of what we are doing, but his relaxed posture and smile says he doesn't have a clue. I hate the idea of lying to him, but it is the only way, and I am left with no choice but to carry this through as a secret.
He eats his breakfast and shortly leaves after saying he will be back in just a few hours and after an hour, Father and Mother head out to the spa claiming they will be back after lunch, which is never the case. Mother always puts up an allocated time frame that is false, the same way you would give someone you are trying confuse that you will be at the mall at twelve midday and actually go at eight in the morning so by the time twelve strikes, you are back home and most certainly not at the mentioned place.
Lunette stays behind in the kitchen to warn me when some arrives unexpectedly and so that Mrs. Braun does not suspect anything.
I go to the confession room and stand for a few minutes trying to decide on the best and most unexpected place where I might actually place the bed. The dresser is probably the best place but it will not provide a clear view. I think of placing it by the hanging chandelier but if someone spots it up there, then it will definitely be suspicious. I open the glass closet doors and hook the pen on one of Father's blazers but patterns on the glass door might cause the pictures to be blurry.
I sit on the edge of the bed and call Shantelle thinking she might have better advise since she knows the room as much as I do.
"What's happening?"
"Hello to you too."
"Oh sorry," she says with a chuckle. "How are you?"
"Not good. I am confused on where to place the pen without it being suspect and still be able to get a good recording with no blurry pictures.
"What? You got the pen?"
"Oh yes. I forgot that I didn't tell you. But Helen threw it over the wall yesterday by the garden and I went to pick it up in the morning.
"You guys are so crazy. What if someone else found it?"
"They didn't." I roll my eyes. "And we had no choice."
"This is so exciting! And I can't believe you are going through with this. Father will kill you if he suspects anything. Literally. But I admire you being brave. You are doing it for all of us."
"And if I get caught. I am outing you guys." I say joking. They would probably kill me before before I throw my own sisters or anyone under the bus.
"Now back to the problem. Ideas on where I might place it?"
"Really? That is the simplest thing to do. By the dresser?"
"Anyone can easily grab it and assume it is a pen. And the dresser will not provide a clear view."
"The pillows?"
"It might fall off. To much of a risk. How will I make sure that when they get on the bed, they do not disturb it?"
"Uhm. What about hooking it on one of the clothes in the closet, you can actually see...."
"The patterns on the glass door might make the image blurry."
"Ughhh!! The curtains?"
"Mother Bear opens and closes them all the time. She might see it. Or it might fall off."
"Okay. I have no ideas." She says sounding defeated.
"Not the easiest thing to do anymore huh."
"Figure something out I have to go. Bye Lilith.I love you." And just like that I am left confused and talking to Shantelle did not help at all. I sit for a few minutes and then an idea pops in my mind. I leave the room with a plan, and although it is not the best, it is a plan nonetheless.
I make it my duty to clean the confession room after hearing that Dalia will be visiting for the weekend. I grab my notebook and push the pen through the ring shaped binder, making sure that the camera is overlooking the whole bed when I place the notebook by the side table stand.
I peep through the window and see her and Spenser walking towards the door and my stomach turns icy with anticipation. I continue cleaning my room and the passage with more care than actually needed and I wait and listen to the opening of the door signaling that Father is coming out. After an hour I hear the master bedroom door opening, followed by footsteps that quickly die down which means he has entered the confession room.
I quickly rush to the confession room to almost bump in him.
"Oh! Good morning Father." My hands fall limply by my side feeling heavier as his eyes stare into my mine and I have to force myself to smile.
"Good morning Lilith."
"I did not know you were in here. I am sorry to budge in. I just wanted to grab some of my cleaning supplies that I might have left here." I offer a shy smile and play with my hands
"It is no problem. You can grab them."
"Thank you Father."
"Is Spenser in the kitchen?"
"Yes Father."
"I would appreciate it if you would tell him that I summoned for him."
I reply with a 'yes Father' and walk out the door.
"uhm. Sorry. Father summoned for you. He is waiting in the confession room." He quickly stands up and runs out of the kitchen with a frightened look on his face. The same look everyone has when they are going to give a confession including myself, except that I rarely go these days. The fear that Father might use it to his advantage is greater than the want to the right thing, which is to confess to my sins.
I head back to my room with worry that I might not get the chance to turn the recorder when it is Dalia's turn in the confession room. Sometimes it happens that Father remains in the room and waits in for the next person. What will my excuse be exactly?
An idea pops up and I go to the laundry cabinet in search for a pair of mother's socks that need to be taken to her bedroom. I will have to pretend that once again, I did not know he was in the room and insist that I have to leave them by the dresser. It will have to do.
I decide on cleaning mother's kitchen so it isn't too obvious that I am lurking around. After thirty minutes the door to the confession room opens and I grab the pair of socks to carry on with my plan but I find the door open and the room empty. I stand for sometime thinking if I should turn the recorder on despite not being sure if Father will come back. I go to the kitchen to look for Lunette after placing the socks on the dresser and turning the recorder on.
"Will Dalia be going for confession?" I ask settling myself down on one of the chairs by the island.
"I don't know. Why?"
"Where is she?"
"Bathroom I think."
"Oh. It's just that I didn't know if I had to turn the recorder on or not."
"Did you turn it on?"
"Yes. Just in case."
I make sandwiches for me, Lunette and Joshua, but after sometime of waiting for her to show up, I give up and go upstairs to gather my cleaning supplies. The door remains stuck when I open it, and I push it with my hips but it doesn't open. I try once again but it is in vain. The only time Mother locks the door that leads to the upper floor is when she does not want any disturbance or when there is something huge that will be discussed in the confession room and she doesn't want anyone to know or eavesdrop.
I groan in frustration when I realize that my phone is in my room. She could have just warned me in advance and I would have gotten everything I might need. But as usual, she did not.
"What needs chopping?"
"Oh you are back?" she turns to face me.
"Yeah. The door is locked."
"Why? Doesn't that happen when something big is going on upstairs." Joshua comes running in the kitchen singing on top of his lungs followed by Mrs. Braun and I move on to prepare the salads.
After dishing out food to everyone and storing James' plate in the warm oven for later, I go upstairs to try the door again. I walk slowly, my knees brittle and popping from standing for a long period, and I think to myself that this will probably lead to a few days of needed rest and never ending aching pains.
I turn the door handle and this time, it gives in. The passage is quiet and I have to stop breathing to try and listen to even the faintest sound that I might hear. I breathe after what feels like an hour of no air and tiptoe towards the confession room. The door is wide open and the sun pools through the lace curtains giving the dark room life. I stand again and listen carefully, only to hear voices coming from the other side of the door in the master's bedroom. I quickly grab the notebook and pen, my body cries out in pain from my frantic movements, and I chant "hurry, hurry, hurry" as I make my way to my bedroom.
My laptop rests on the bed and I throw myself besides it with a huge sigh I get to work on deleting the unnecessary footage on the memory card. We might have to do it again, be alert on when Father might actually summon Dalia to the confession room. Absent mildly skipping through the video, Father enters the the room and settles down on one of the chairs. I rewind the recording, not believing my eyes and turn the volume up. Mother passes by the door and a few seconds later Dalia enters the room, closes the door and sits on a chair opposite Father.
I stare at the wide screen and my pains are all forgotten. The shock and adrenaline pumping though my body like an all healing cure. I increase the volume again to hear better and when I hear Dalia begin her confession, I skip the video, not wanting to eavesdrop on her private conversation with God. I pause the video when I come across Father standing standing facing the bed and his chair discarded across the room. My hands tremble and I struggle to continue watching, the lunch I ate already giving a sour taste in my mouth.
'Just to confirm,' I say to myself repeatedly to calm myself down but after a few minutes of no change, I press 'play'.
The sound of an opening door jolts me up into a sitting position and I hurriedly grab the memory card and pen and hide them in my underwear drawer. I close the laptop that has since blacked out due to not being used for some time. I straighten out the bed my clothes and once I hear the descending footsteps, I settle myself back down. My silent sobs fill the bedroom and I am suddenly able to explain the blurriness in my vision. I roughly wipe the tears off my face, which doesn't stop them from falling, but I don't stop until I breathe more calmly and my eyes go weak from crying and threaten to drop anytime from being sleepy.
I walk to my side of the bed, drink my pills and get into bed. I ignore the voice of Mother calling my name repeatedly on the other side of the door and before I know it, sleep consumes me and for the next few hours, I find peace.
I am woken by the relaxing of my body as someone lifts it up. James hugs me for a few minutes and places me back on the bed after placing a kiss on my fore head.
"Why are you so tense when you sleep?"
"I don't know." I say stretching my sore muscles, and then get comfortable in bed.
"You were grinding your teeth and it looked like you going through shock and twitching repeatedly."
"I didn't feel that." I say with a smile. The past few days, everything has been getting a lot worse and the medication from the hospital is not working, not that it ever did. Father had been giving us money so I can go to the hospital, but I am starting to get uncomfortable with taking it, especially if Mother has this masked look on the face, every time I get money for another appointment.
"I need to go to the bathroom," I say trying to stand up and hold on to the bed, but I wince when standing proves to difficult for me.
James scoops me up bridal style and walks to the bathroom. It would no doubt cause a scene if we bumped into someone by the passage, especially after Zelda complained that we were being disrespectful by talking and laughing in public, which would explain why she always looks bitter and is always wearing a scowl on her face. From that day, I've made sure to always smile and laugh a little louder when ever she is around, which always earns me a glare. My purpose exactly.
After our trip to the bathroom, he leaves to get some snacks and I feel guilty for stress eating, but decide that I at least deserve some happiness in the form of a carrot cake, a huge pizza and chips.
"I always have to talk non stop in this house. No one ever does things the right way and I can see that I am at the brink of dying from stress and unhappiness." Mother's voice is heard on the other side of the door as she shuffles in her kitchen.
"You see Lunette, she has been here for years and I still complain about everything she does. The only reason she still stays here is because Max lives here too and he is married to her. I wanted her out way back and I still do. But...."
The opening of her micro-oven is the only thing I hear until she speaks up again.
"You and Mrs. Bailey are the only people who actually make me happy. Whenever you are here, I am stress free. You clean my bedroom and all the other places, the exact way I want them and I wish you could be the ones I am living with. But unfortunately life is not like that. The people who are supposed to be the ones working are useless." The sneer clear in her voice.
I scoff when I conclude that she is talking to Dalia and she probably thinks I am downstairs in the kitchen probably being useless. When did I ever sign up to be her little maid because the last time I checked, I was married to her son, not employed to be some little useless help. Every person who has come as a visitor has gone back with a different mentality towards me and Lunette because our dearest Mother wastes no time in painting us as lazy and incompetent slobs who do nothing but sleep all day and finish all her food.
"Some sleep all day and say they are sick. Can you believe that?" She says with a laugh filled with mockery. "Liars they are."
"It makes me sad when Mother is so unhappy and all her effort towards teaching people is in vain. Which is why I make sure to do the right thing when I am here and relieve you of all stress."
I roll my eyes even thought they do not see me, but the hurt I try to ignore clings to my heart. The only thing I have ever done is try to better and be exactly what Mother wants but all I hear from her end is how lazy and useless I am. It is like a wet slap in the face, more irritating than hurtful because all she does is badmouth me behind my back.
"We were planning on cleaning every room downstairs, excepts Lunette's of course, as soon as Mrs. Bailey arrives tomorrow, and although I am not actually feeling well, I will wake up early in the morning and start working." I can't help but imagine the fake smile on her face and all I want to do is slap it off. What happened to defending and standing by each other. Mother is throwing jabs at me even when she has seen and heard from different doctors that I am really sick and there isn't any specific treatment that they might give me, and Dalia is taking it all in, with no backbone to voice that Mother is just being petty and straight up wicked.
"You don't have to work when you are not feeling well. I know you are not lazy, so just rest tomorrow."
"No. I will work Mother. I want to work, and I have set my mind on it."
The only thing I hear is silence after they both leave to Mother's bedroom, to bond over lies and people's flaws no doubt for sure. A person who sits and talks negative about others with you, does the same thing with others about you. But Dalia does not seem to know that, and maybe if she could hear some of things Mother has said about her, then maybe she would stop being such a kiss ars. But then again that is none of my business.
I grab a book and read until James comes back and then stop so we can eat and watch movies. I wonder what life would have been like if he didn't cling to his parents so much and made something of himself. All he does is do what is demanded of him and basically earns no money. He depends on his parents for everything and I am forced to the same. He has no say or whatsoever on any thing and his life is dictated by his parents and each time I think about it, it frustrates me that he has to drag me here so I could live a miserable life with no purpose just like him and his brother. I have tried to express my dreams and wishes, but if I decide to get a job, study or work, who will then clean the house, wash the dishes, cook and basically take care of everyone else but themselves.
I shake my head to get rid of my thoughts, drink more pills and concentration on the movie. I will find a way out, and that is decided. Each day feels like an obstacle, and a battle to be fought, but is never won. I have to fight not to give in and overdose on my pills, not to stand on the balcony and jump or not to slice my wrists and bleed out. I will not stay and let my passions, my fire be dulled by people who try to break me into what they think I am worthy to be, even though they see that I am worth much more than they care to admit and if James wants to stay and please his wicked mother and manipulative father, he will not do it at my expense, and he will do it more easier once I am gone.
I wake up and start my day and head over to the kitchen and the house remains too quiet. Two hours pass and Lunette doesn't come to the kitchen which makes me uneasy, she never sleeps in, even when she is sick. I call her and my calls are answered and then I get a sick feeling in my stomach that something is wrong, why isn't anyone showing up? I call her again and again but she still doesn't answer my phone. I leave my shoes by the office, grab a knife from the kitchen drawer and walk quietly down the passage towards her bedroom not wasting anytime in case something is wrong. What if they suspected that something is wrong and then they are forcing her to give up everything., knowing Max, I do not trust him to not keep his hands to himself. I keep my phone right in my hand in case Max did something to her so I can call the police. I walk quietly until I reach the door and listen, all I hear is silence. I grab the door handle ready to barge in, the plan was to keep everything on the low but if Lunette is in danger then it definitely changes everything. I stop when I hear her voice from the other side of the door, I can't make out her words but I sigh in relief knowing that she is okay. I listen for a few minutes until I conclude that she is not in danger and nothing wrong is happening to her. I feel bad for standing at her door, practically eavesdropping on her private life, but I am definitely not letting her get hurt on my watch. I grip the knife tightly in my hand and stand against the door and when I am fully convinced that she will be out soon, I walk away, drop the knife in the drawer and put my shoes back on.
I continue with the chores and wait for her patiently, still listening in for any commotion. I definitely do not trust Max. She appears after an hour, and I smile feeling guilty that I was outside her room and she doesn't know about it.
"They want me to sign papers." She says looking back and watching if anyone is coming.
"What papers?"
"Affidavit papers stating that Father did nothing to me, did not rape me and that I say something like some people came to me and asked me to lie and say that he raped me."
" You wouldn't be lying." I say looking directly at her, it explains why the house is so quiet, Father is up to no good an is probably dragging all his children into it.
"Yes. Basically they want me to sign and dismiss any rape case, or knowing anything about it."
"Which will stop you from creating a case against him in the future."
"Yes. And I have to claim that people are plotting against him, so all other cases opened and to be opened will be dismissed by mine."
"Well isn't that smart." I roll my eyes and sit on one of the kitchen chairs.
"Why though?"I ask.
"It's like he got information that the police are on to him, and so he is preparing to dismiss all cases with proof from us saying that nothing happened. I think they will come to you too."
"So what did you say?"
"I refused saying I can't lie about other people and possibly put them in trouble, but they are not giving me a choice, I don't know what to do." She says moving around the kitchen and pocking her head through the door.
"There's nothing you can do but stall, just keep stalling and we will figure something out." I say. "You realize that once you sign those papers you can never open a case against him and you will probably never get Joshua once you leave, they will all work against you, and him having people in the police department is worse. You can't sigh those papers."
"I know."
Our conversation comes to a stop when we hear Max coming down the steps and I stand up and pretend I was busy and Lunette does the same.
"Please come with me." He says to Lunette before walking away.
"Give me a call if something goes wrong, or a hint, loud noise or just something." I say before she goes and I am left feeling worried.
I sit in the kitchen for some time before I decide on doing my own digging. I decide on a plan, look for the papers, the ones already done and then get them and destroy them. I will deal with the consequences later.
I go to their room and knock, and Mother answers "come in" and I enter.
"I was looking for Mother," I say when I only find Father in the bedroom.
"She is in the bathroom. She will be out soon." He says with smile, "you can wait for her."
I stand in the room awkwardly and try to take everything in, and try to not make it obvious. My eyes stop on the large envelope written 'evidence'. Well that was easy. I think of all the ways to get the envelope but I conclude that I can only take it when they are not around and hopefully they will leave it on the table. Max knocks and enters shortly, he stands next to Father and say nothing probably due to the fact that I am around.
"I think I might need to keep that in the safe," Father says standing up, taking the envelope and walking away. I fight the urge to scream and to beg him not to, and I stand and watch him go away with it to lock it up and sigh in defeat.
"You're waiting for me Lilith?" Mother asks walking out of the dressing room door.
I smile despite my now sour mood. "Yes Mother. I would like to know what you would like to eat today."
"Surprise me Lilith." I smile and walk out the door, I might have just earned some extra work.
I spend the day busy and retire with thoughts of how to escape signing the the papers and hope Lunette is holding on and not giving in to Max. I toss and turn creating a strategy on how to get the other papers and at midnight, I hear movement outside the passage and Max wakes up thinking that it might be robbers. We sit in the dark and and listen and then we hear footsteps descending and then a door getting unlocked. I get out of the bed despite James' protest and head to the passage window overlooking the garages my heart pounding in my chest. I watch the garage door open and Father driving away and I can't help but think, he is on to us.