"Damien?" I say when he doesn't respond. His eyes seem to be waging a battle I can't read and being so exposed beneath him whilst he just stares into my eyes like that makes me want to cover up, as if the clothes will stop him from seeing what's really in my heart.
What is in my heart?
"Are you sure you want this?" He asks, his voice suddenly husky with emotion.
I cock my head, confused. "Where is this coming from?" The sudden mood change is overflowing me with self-doubt.
"Answer the question...please."
"Yes, I do," I tell him cupping his cheeks. Past the surprise of the sudden change, worry creeps inside of me.
He pulls his face away and diverts his gaze. I frown. What's suddenly wrong with him?
And then it hits me. Is he having second thoughts over us being intimate? I swallow back the hurt before asking, "do you not want to anymore?"
"No I do," he's quick to reassure me. "Are you..." he trails off, choking up.
"Am I what?" The anxiety coursing through me causes my voice to come out as a broken whine.
He looks down at me and the hopelessness in his eyes tears at my heart with a knife. "Damien w—." His lips slamming against mine stops further argument. But I don't let it go — can't let it go when something is clearly bothering him so much.
Even though the endless possibilities of what it could be scare me, I pull my lips away. "Damien, what's wrong?"
"It's nothing," his voice comes out detached but despair lingers along the edges, revealing he is lying.
"It's not nothing. Please tell me," I try pulling his face back to mine but he doesn't let me. My lungs hitch and a distressed sound escapes my lips. What's wrong with him?
"Damien?" I say hoarsely, my throat thick with tears. I hate seeing him like this. I hate him pulling away from me. And it's not because I opened up to him, but because I... because I have feelings for him.
Now tears well in my eyes for a whole other reason. I have feelings for Damien Hunter?
My hands drop from his face, my lips parting in shock and terror. I have feelings for Damien?! I was never supposed to have a crush on anyone let alone have feelings for them.
I'm constructing heartbreak for myself. I know it. I'm too messed up, he'll see that and leave just like Alejandro and Ianna did. I'll never be good enough, just like I wasn't for my dad and mum. He'll never be able to love me, just like my stepdad couldn't.
I feel like I've been struck with a hammer. Are my feelings heading toward love?
As if hearing my thoughts, Damien looks down at me, eyes full of the same despair as before. How did we go from being two horny teenagers to this?
"Are you doing this for the pain?"
His abrupt question catches me off guard and causes me to flinch. Pain? "What do you mean?" My heart races for a whole other reason now and I don't even understand what it is. I don't understand anything actually. My mind has turned into a whirlwind that shows no sign of slowing down or ever stopping.
His eyes turn regretful, the ocean in them drowning the bright green trees. "You've always stopped us in the past but you never do when you want pain."
How does he know I crave pain? No, I'm reading into this wrong. Or hearing him wrong. He can't possibly know.
"That's not true," I shake my head. He's also stopped us in the past.
He pushes my hair behind my ear, his expression stained with remorse. "It is baby," he whispers. "The first time I stayed at your house, you used me to cause yourself pain, and you wanted me to f- have sex with you for the pain of your first time."
I shake my head so hard my vision spins. "I... I don't... I didn't." My throat clogs up, not allowing me to lie further. I did. I used him to drown out my internal pain. I used the guy that tried to help me through my physical and mental pain to hurt myself, unknowing of what it would do to him in return. How could I have been so selfish?
I'm disgusting.
Damien's gaze narrows and flickers with loathing before he averts his eyes from my face and removes his hand from my hair as if touching and looking at me has become unbearable for him.
Tears burn the back of my eyes, my heart, my soul.
"I'm... I'm sorry." As if saying sorry could fix what I did. This is unforgivable. If he never wants to see my gruesome face again, I wouldn't blame him.
But he stayed and wanted to spend more time with me, even after I tried ... it hurts to even think about what I tried to do. How I tried to...
I angrily wipe my tears away, wanting so badly to cause myself pain for what I did — but not through him or anyone else.
Even after what pain made me do I continue to crave it. It really goes to prove how vile I am.
But pain is what I deserve after all.
God, what is wrong with me?
I cup his cheeks. "I'm not now though, I swear." I need him to know I'm not now. I want him and only him. No pain, nothing, just him. And I've never been so sure about anything in my life as I am now.
He doesn't look at me, just stares at my infinity necklace. "Damien look at me."
He doesn't.
"Please," I croak. I hate this. I hate this so much I feel like I can't breathe, but I am breathing. I wish I wasn't.
"Do you hate me?" The question leaves my lips as soon as I think it.
He finally raises his eyes but they're as cold as ice, along with his tone when he responds, "I think we've both acknowledged me hating you isn't a possibility."
"So why can't you look at me?" My voice unintentionally comes out as a whine.
"I'm looking at you," he pulls his face out of my hold.
"You're avoiding my eyes." I'm still naked beneath him and we're having this conversation as if it's the most normal thing ever.
He sighs. I narrow my eyes. That's it, just a sigh?
"Damien," I prod. "Answer me."
"There's nothing to say, Hazel," he clips and I blanch at the use of my name.
"I said I'm sorry." I move to grab his cheek but he grabs my hand, stopping me. "Damien?"
He ignores me and I yank my hand out of his, a tear escaping and scorching a hot trail down my temple. "If you don't hate me then why are you acting like this?"
His restraints seem to snap at that and he slams the hand that was just holding mine down on the ground next to my head, his eyes suddenly blazing with rage. "Because I fucking let it happen!"
I jolt with alarm. The loud tone of his voice barely shaking me past his words.
His face twists with anguish and I now realise the loathing I had presumed was toward me is actually toward himself.
"I let you use me to stop your breath. If I hadn't... if I... fuck," he gets up off me and frantically tugs his hair, his elbows resting on his knees.
It hadn't even occurred to me he blamed himself. But that is because he didn't do anything wrong. I did. I used him to cause myself pain.
I pull the t-shirt down over my breasts and sit up.
"Damien," I hesitantly grab his arm with trembling fingers.
He flinches. "Don't."
"You couldn't..." I close my eyes, needing to gather myself before admitting it out loud. "You couldn't have known I was messed up enough to use you to hurt myself."
He looks over his shoulder at me, impassiveness mixed with incredulity marring his expression. "You think you're the only one who does—." He stops himself. "You're not messed up, it's just your way of coping with shit. And you don't have to apologise for it either. It's my fault, I should have noticed sooner." He turns back around.
"Noticed what sooner? And what is your fault?" He's confusing me. More so because my head is still spinning a mile a minute.
He drops his head, intertwining his fingers behind his neck. "You using me to stop your breath."
My mind literally explodes at that. "How on earth were you supposed to know that, Damien?! I was hugging you!"
"I don't want to talk about it," he grumbles.
No chance. "Well too bad because I do." I'm not going to let him blame himself over it because it's not his fault.
It's mine.
"We should go," he moves to stand up but I leap on him before he can, straddling him with my legs on either side of his.
His lips part with surprise but then he glares just as fast.
I smile tauntingly despite the ache pulsating through my chest over how he's been blaming himself for my horrible act. Hating himself for it.
"Hazel," Damien warns.
"Damien," I copy him, mischievously angling my head to the side.
I will fix this. I won't be able to go on with my life knowing he's blaming and hating himself.
"They're calling again."
So that's what the vibration under my butt is.
I reach into his back pocket and grab his phone. He raises an eyebrow and lifts a hand to grab it, but I throw it on top of our jackets the moment his fingers brush the phone. "Whoops."
His nostrils flare with what I think is annoyance.
I grab his cheeks, squishing his face together and startling his eyes wide. "It's not your fault so stop blaming yourself. I was hugging you and when you realised how unnaturally tight it was becoming you pulled away. You're not a robot that can instantly detect when something is wrong." I move his face side to side whilst slowly saying, "Do. You. Understand?"
He nods his head yes.
I fold my lips between my teeth to suppress a smile. "Words Damien, I need words."
With his eyes, he gives a pointed look toward my hands on his cheeks.
I grin cheekily. "I'm waiting. I don't have all day you know."
He rolls his eyes but I don't miss the glimmer in them. The sight finally allows my lungs to expand around my heart, letting me breathe a little easier for the first time since the horrible revelation.
"A undastand," he mumbles.
I giggle and can't help smacking a kiss against his squished up lips.
"Also you very well know I'm a bad liar so believe me now when I tell you I'm not using you for pain. If you don't want to touch me..." I shyly drop my gaze to his bare tattooed chest. "Can you at least show me how you want me to touch you?" Why am I making it sound like an obligation? Maybe because I've never done this or anything with a guy before and don't want to mess it up or look stupid. Though my words might have already done that for me.
He smiles but my hands squishing his cheeks makes him look silly in a cute way. "A told oo—." Laughing, I lock my arms around his neck so he can speak properly. "— I've got nothing to clean myself with."
I wrack my brain for why he would have to clean himself and then blush when I realise why.
My cheeks flame as I drop my gaze to his chest once more. "You have a hoodie so you could clean yourself with either your t-shirt or hoodie. But it's warm today so maybe you could do it with the hoodie..."
He grips my chin between his forefinger and thumb and lifts it. When I meet his eyes, I see they're gleaming with mirth. "I left my hoodie at yours."
"Oh." He did? Right, I only removed his t-shirt. I didn't realise.
Although, happiness blooms in my chest from having another one of his hoodies stained with his intoxicating scent. It has dissipated off the hoodie I already have. Regardless, it still fills me with comfort knowing it's his. But with his scent it's pure perfection, lulling my nightmares away and replacing them with blissful dreams.
He rubs his thumb across my bottom lip, an amused, sexy half-smile slowly curving his lips. "Yeah oh."
"Soo..." I drawl, suddenly all too aware of how close my chest is to his face. "What are we going to do?"
"I'm fine with doing just this," he counters, his eyes on his thumb running over my lips.
I glare. He's torturing me on purpose. If only I could retort.
Actually, I can.
I bring my hand between us and roll his lip ring. He startles a little and his eyes fly to mine, the mirth gone and replaced with vehemence.
"Me too," I say sweetly, keeping my eyes pinned on his even as my cheeks burn hot.
He licks his lips and his tongue slides across my fingers, wetting them. I suck in a sharp breath. How is it that everything he does affects me so much?
I copy him and rub my wet thumb over his lips. He surprises me by taking my thumb into his mouth. I moan and then my eyes widen as he wraps his tongue around my thumb whilst edging his own into my mouth. Oh god.
His tongue wraps around my thumb and I squirm in his lap as pleasure blazes a path to my core.
His free hand grips my ass and pulls me harder against him. I gasp, my mouth falling open as his erection presses into me over our clothes. He glides his thumb out of my mouth tortuously slow then grabs my hand and pulls his out of mine.
He trails his wet thumb down my neck, my chest, my torso, my hips and when it reaches my thigh, he grabs it and gently lifts and places me on the ground.
Leaning on his elbow beside me, he pushes my hair behind my ear, murmuring, "you're fucking beautiful."
I don't say anything, just watch his face as his eyes roam over me. They halt a beat too long on my lower region before he raises them back to mine.
"I don't think we should..." he trails off, anxiously.
I'm quick to shake my head no. "I want to." I'm sure of something for once in my life and I don't know how long it's going to last so I want to enjoy it for however long it does.
"Are you sure?" He asks, toying with the hem of my t-shirt.
Sucking my lower lip into my mouth, I nod my head yes.
I'm nervous but it's to be expected, comes with the territory of breaking out of my comfort zone.
I'm facing a fear.
Taking a huge intimate step.
He nudges my nose with his, causing me to chuckle. "Words baby, I need words."
"I want this. I'm sure," I blurt before I can get second thoughts... or worse, the voices.
He tangles his fingers through my hair and kisses me deeply. I gasp as his hand begins descending into my pants. He takes advantage of the motion by touching his tongue with mine.
He smiles against my mouth when his fingers come into contact with my shorts — I put the trousers on over my shorts so there are still two barriers between me and his hand. It's an irony really, I couldn't remove them to put my trousers on yet here he is about to touch me in my most intimate spot.
Crap! I'm wearing plain black panties.
I hastily reassure myself. Calm down. It's not like he can see them.
I don't think I'm ready for that yet. For him to see my most intimate spot with his bare eyes. Which is strange because I'm ready for him to touch me just not see me?
I'm so confusing that I confuse even myself.
Damien pulls his mouth and hand away.
I'm momentarily confused until I realise I jumped in shock when I registered what panties I was wearing.
Panting, he searches my face. "Do you want me to stop?"
I shake my head. "No," my voice comes out breathless.
"If you want to stop all you have to do is say so. I wouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with or don't want to do."
My heart warms. "I know but I don't... I don't want you to stop."
I wonder if I'm being too desperate, but then an emotion I can't interpret ignites in Damien's eyes and I wait for it to be gone as soon as it came like it usually does with him but it stays, a heavy weight on my skin.
He lightly lifts my t-shirt, keeping his eyes locked on mine. "Remember, we can stop at any time. There's no rush."
"I know," I whisper looking down at his hand toying with my shirt. He's exposed my belly button once more but it doesn't look like he's going to take it any further than that. I guess he's just stalling, waiting for me to stop him.
I won't.
The sight of his cracked, bloody knuckles silently screams at me. I try to push it away. He's not going to tell me so I shouldn't bother trying to poke it out of him. But it's easier said than done and I can't seem to tear my eyes away from them. The longer I stare, the more the red causes something from deep within my memory to arise.
Red hair.
'Was Damien in there too? He left his hoodie at my house last night and I wasn't sure if he was in college today or not.'
My eyes widen in dread. Damien doesn't notice, his gaze pinned on his hand descending toward my tracksuit bottoms.
"Damien?" My voice is barely audible but he hears me.
"Yeah," he mutters distractedly.
I swallow the lump wedged in my throat. "Did you go to Olivia's house the day after you left mine?"