"Good morning, appa"
"Good morning, Ishu" he wished me back and folded the newspaper and kept in on the table.
I thought: He for sure, wanna talk to me.
Concluding, I took my seat beside him.
"Ishita, I am sorry about, yesterday. Your amma and I, are aware your dreams, thoughts and beliefs. But, you too need to know that we care about you."
He placed his warm hand over mine.
"According to you, you are too small for getting married."
I don't have any clue where he is leading to.
"Madhu, was 25 while we got married. Your grandparents never forced or asked her to get married. Although, they were little tough on me, when they got to know that I was dating their daughter." He chuckled, probably reminiscing those old days.
"You know, you don't care about at what age you get married nor do you care whether you love the guy or not or will you be having an arranged one or love marriage." And this caught my attention. Finally, I know where he is leading to.
"You are afraid of living with him." How our parents can see throughout us? Are we that transparent to them?
"Parents know how their child feels, Ishita, you were more close to me than Vandita. I know more about you than her. You are sensitive while she is spunky."
"I am sorry for yesterday."
He smiled. "You don't owe us any apology. In fact, I am quite impressed by your act. Atleast you know, how to fight back for yourself."
"Appa, is it really necessary to get married?" This was what I wanted to ask from him, since ages.
"Do you know the difference between living and non living things?" Didn't he just ignore my question.
"Living things can feel whereas non living things can't feel."
"Good." Thank goodness, I know this much biology. "And can you tell me why living things can feel and non living things can't feel? "
"Because living things are sensitive." I just spoke it out.
"Exactly, living things are sensitive. We can't predict their next move. All we could do is work on the principle of our analogy."
Now, again I am confused. Where is he leading our conversation to?
"On the basis of your hatred and knowledge of biology, I hope you know human beings are living things"
Didn't my father just make fun out of me? Well I can't blame him.
So, I just decided to nod.
"Since human beings do feels, they can't live their entire life alone. People do find peace at solace but not every second of their life. In the real world, life is like a game. In order to make it to till the end, one needs a partner."
"What about Robinson Crusoe?"
"He had nature around him. But, to your dismay, you prefer books to nature. "
"Indeed. I have books. I can spend my entire life reading."
"Says the girl, who cries at night, because she felt so bad for Harry Potter and his parents. More than Harry Potter, you loved his parents and cried for them. And not to forget about John Green's, 'Looking for Alaska', you didn't eat anything for weeks because you missed Alaska while reading that book." I have to be cautious. Why do you know so much about me?
"My dear child, you are too sensitive. Don't you need a person on whose shoulders you can cry while and after reading books? You know, Madhu and I will never always be for you?"
I know. I know. Why do you have to bring up that topic? Seriously, my parents really need good topic to discuss about.
"What if he didn't allow me to read books?" I asked, just for reassurance.
"And why won't he? And why do you need his permission for reading?"
"Maybe, because I complete a book under 24 hours or more precisely under 12 hours. Who can even tolerate it?"
"Well, your parents are tolerating you since we have given you birth."
"You people love me. Just because he will be married to me doesn't mean that he will love me."
He signed.
"It's my fault that you don't know about self-love. I know that you sucks at dating, or may I add, you aren't into dating. Well, I am happy about it. Ishita, I want you to love yourself, then only you can love someone else."
"I do love myself. It's just that.."
"You feel burden on others. Isn't it?"
And the rat had been caught.
"Let me make you aware of you. You don't think you are a burden on someone, but you don't want to trouble anyone. So from now onwards, stop thinking that you are a burden on anyone."
This is the time Ishu, tell him about how you feel.
I shifted little bit and said, "Appa, I don't know what I want from life. I never thought about future. In childhood, my aim was scoring good marks followed by my teenage, I focused more on studies and reading books and all. I was never into dating or relationship thing. And now after post graduation, I don't know what to do? I have planned that after graduation I will do a job. But, it feels so vague." I signed.
"Listen, someone, had said that our imagination doesn't turns into reality. Sometimes it may but not always. It is not necessary that every thing will take place as you have imagined."
"I feel defeated. Defeated from everything." I accepted.
" There is nothing wrong. You just focused and did, because you thought you will find peace into it, but now there is no peace there. And I know, it really makes you hopeless. But, we are here for you. We will help you."
"What's the meaning of life?" I asked suddenly.
"Well, that's an absurd question to ask. There is no meaning of life."
"How is it possible. I really want to know about life."
"Why this thought came into your mind?"
"See, we are born. Our parents raise us. Then, at a certain age we go to school, make friends, later on we grow up. We focus on scoring or atleast getting pass marks. Then we step into real world, face challenges, conquer them. Then, we get married, have children and look after them, and then we die. Is it life?"
"Analysing your situation, I would like you to stop comparing yourself with others. You are not people. You are you. You have an unique existence. And the answer to your question is after getting job people usually get married, you need someone in your life. In fact, we earn for our family. To fulfill their needs and demands. People can't live without other people. Imagination is not reality. They are just visualization of what you want to happen in your life."
"Universe keeps on changing. It it's rule, generations come and go, but life keeps on going. A baby is born, it is raised by the family, it is educated, supported until it steps into real world then, it is nowhere small. It has to find someone, who will be there for it. It, itself will be there for someone. They will together, bring a new child. A new generation will be formed. And the chain goes on. This is how universe wanted. To be more precise, it's life. Everything had it's expiry date. So do living beings. You know, in science you might have only read differnce between living and non living things, but do you know the similarities between them. One of the similarity is they all die."
This is the first time, I had realized that living and non living things do have similarities between them. My whole life was a joke. Whatever, appa said, had made my stupid mind understand that I need to stop comparing myself from others. And live the life as this universe wants.
"Okay" I agreed. This is all what I can do right now.
"No. It's not okay. You have more questions and they needed to be answered. I hope you know where you can find them. Well, for a hint, I am always here for you."
I nodded.
"And for marriage thing, no-one was forcing you for that." he said and left me to wonder.
Not knowing what to do next, I went with the flow.
***
It's evening and I am hungry. I went down stairs for eating something. Not able to find something appropriate for my stomach. I went into the search for my amma.
Not finding her in hall and balcony, I went to find her in her room.
On my way, I heard some faint noises. It assured me that amma is in the room.
"Vishwa, why do you always support her? She had become mad. Who even thinks such things. Meaning of life? What does she have to do by knowing it? Your daughter is really getting on my nerves. Now, I don't want her to get married. Why to betray her in -laws."
I knew this. I know about my amma, she surely wants me to act like a mature girl. Why does she always forget that I am her own daughter. Moreover, she cares more about my future in-laws than me. Am I that neglected human being?
"Madhu, it's not what you are thinking." replied appa. Exactly. Only my appa knows me.
"The mindset of the new generation is different than ours. We have to compel us to understand them. Didn't our parents support us, then? She is just confused about everything. You know, she is just naive. Actually, she is not against marriage, nor does she have a problem getting married. She is scared to love. She hates interaction. And so is meeting new people. And Mihika's case had affected her badly."
I never said such things to him. How did he know about it? Especially about Mihika.
Is my father a psychologist? Last, I remember he is an accountant. God, please, save me this time.
"I know, Vishwa. I know. I am her mother. I do know about my daughter. But never in my dreams, I thought that that incident would affect her this badly. But, Vishwa, our daughter, can't be that weak. Can she?"
My parents know almost everything about me, but it doesn't scare me anymore. I am far used to it now. But, am I weak? Of course, I am weak. In fact, I am also a coward.
"Some day or other, she has to get married. Everyone is not the same."
I know amma, everyone is not the same.
"I want to see her happy with someone. That someone whom I can trust that he will handle and there for her in our absence...when we will be no more for her. I want someone who can.... " and amma broke into tears.
When the appa wiped her tears, my hands involuntarily moved towards my face. Then only I realized that I was crying for the whole time. I am not a burden on my parents, nor I will be on my husband. It's just that I am too scared to trust someone.
We must not not only compare ourselves with others but also we must never compare the things either living or non-living with that of others.
Whatever happened with Mihika wasn't in her hands. But, she is healing. She had healed much more than me. I can also heal. I can also love someone. I can also be loved. I can also trust someone who would trust me as well.
I can do this now. I can and I will do it.
I wiped my tears and knocked their bedroom door.
"Ah! Ishita, come here." amma called me and hugged me tightly. I reciprocated her action, but She cried, and I didn't. I don't want to cry in someone's presence.
"Amma; appa, I am sorry for my behavior. I am ready to give myself a chance. I will meet him."