Kenji stared over the treetops, wind brushing his hair out of his face.
It was the first night on Isla Nublar, and he'd already gotten in trouble. He'd dragged that kid-Darius, the little Dino nerd-into it, too.
Nobody had gotten hurt. Roxie and Dave had saved them just in time. But Kenji and Darius had nearly been kicked off the island. He'd almost been sent home to the lonely, empty mansion. The lonely mansion with a bowling alley, personal ice cream machine, and his own bedroom, but without any people.
No matter how much Kenji hated to admit it, even to himself, he was glad to have the others with him. They were annoying, sure, and a bit nerdy. At least it wasn't quiet.
Kenji really, really hated the quiet.
That made it an odd choice for him to sit on the roof by himself at near-midnight, but it wasn't any better in the room. Everyone else was asleep. Out on the roof, Kenji could pretend he was alone by choice, instead of the standard reason.
The fire pit flickered, dragging Kenji's eyes away from the horizon, down to the sparks. One landed near his foot and fizzled out.
Sighing, Kenji slumped back in his seat.
Even the fire didn't want to be near him.
"Kenji?"
With a shriek, Kenji jumped to his feet, arms flailing. His heart dropped into his shoes.
Someone stood by the stairs, wrapped in a cocoon of blanket. It took a second for Kenji's brain to engage, and for him to realize that there were only two people that short at camp, and that Ben would be the only one who would drag a blanket with him.
Kenji dropped back into his seat, hand pressed to his chest, and said, "Ben, bruh. You nearly gave me a heart-attack."
The cocoon crept closer, and Ben's pale face was lit up by the fire. He was completely enveloped by his dumb blanket except for the eyes, nose, and mouth. How, how was he able to fit like that? They had the same blanket, and Kenji's couldn't even reach his shoulders and ankles at the same time.
"Are... are you aware it's nearly midnight? We were all supposed to be in bed hours ago," Ben stammered.
Everything with him was a stammer.
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about me. I can handle being in a bit more trouble," Kenji said, "it's practically my middle name."
Ben sniffed, and carefully crept around the bench to sit, saying, "I would have thought your middle name would be something like Smith, or...or Jacob."
"Smith? Do I look like a Smith to you, brah?" Kenji asked, eyes wide.
Instead of an answer, he got a small smile.
Kenji's shoulders dropped, and he chuckled. Rubbing his finger across his nose, he asked, "what are you doing out here, anyway?"
"Looking for you. Last time you left your bunk for a considerable amount of time when you weren't supposed to, you were nearly a dinosaurs midnight-snack. If you were going to sneak out again, I... wanted to try and stop you."
"That was like three hours ago."
"Which was the last time, unless I'm missing something quite large."
Making a face, Kenji looked away. His eyes caught on a blinking light in the distance. A red light.
The same sort of light as the one from the pen he'd nearly died in.
His chest tightened, and he had to sit up. Breathing starting to pick up, he stood up and stared blankly into the distance.
"Kenji?" Ben's voice was quiet.
Everything was too quiet. Too quiet, too loud, too everything, all at the same time.
Kenji's hands were shaking.
"Kenji, are you okay? What's happening?"
Stomach turning, Kenji stumbled forwards a step, and clutched at the bench beside him. He didn't know what was happening. All he knew was that he wanted everything to stop, and to stop now.
A small, steady hand landed on Kenji's shoulder, and he flinched away.
Ben.
Eyes darting, Kenji said, "go-go get Roxie, or Dave, or-I think I'm dying, dude. Everything feels-"
"I know." Ben cut him off. "I think you're having a panic attack. Or maybe an anxiety attack. I don't know."
"Well, great, but that doesn't-that doesn't help me!"
"But it does, because I know what to do. Gimme your hand."
Kenji hesitated, clenching and unclenching his fist. But, without any better idea, he let Ben take it.
For a second, they just sat there. Then Ben put Kenji's hand right above his heart, so that Kenji could feel his breathing, and nodded. Kenji wasn't sure what it was supposed to do, besides make everything weirder.
"How, exactly, is this supposed to help me? Dude, just...please. Go get help. I don't-" Kenji choked, eyes burning from tears.
Ben shook his head, saying, "just tell me what your favorite dinosaur is."
"Dude, what?"
"Answer the question, Kenji."
Blinking, Kenji fumbled for an answer. After a minute, he said, "I don't know. I... I like pteranodons, I guess..."
Ben sat down, pulling Kenji to the ground across from him. Kenji's spare hand went to his own hair, tugging at it, then to his shirt and back. Anything to keep moving.
"It's hard for me to decide. I like the traditionals, such as the Tyrannosaurus Rex, but I also love the lesser known ones. I think if I had to choose I would need to make a diagram of some sort," Ben said, fingers weaving through Kenji's.
The subtle, genuine movement made Kenji pause. Ben acted like it was no big deal, but Kenji had to glance away, cheeks burning.
It took a second for him to realize his breathing was slowed again. Of course, when he did, it spiked. He drew his shoulders in towards his stomach, entire body clenching, and shuddered. His heartbeat pounded hollowly in his ears. Every third-ish beat dipped into his stomach.
"Hey, hey, hey, Kenji, you're alright," Ben said, "I'm here. You're alright. I promise, everything is okay."
Kenji's head twisted, and he mumbled, "no, I-"
His head felt like everything had drained from it, into his limbs. Eyes wavering, he nearly keeled over, but Ben dropped his hand and caught his shoulders. He felt like a doll, one that even Ben could knock around.
It was too quiet, but Kenji couldn't even begin to say anything. If he did, his tongue would probably drop right out of his mouth, or he'd just start sobbing.
"Ohhh...kay...maybe I should go get Dave, after all," Ben said.
He moved to stand, and Kenji scrambled to grab his wrist as best he could.
Trembling, Kenji tried to explain, but only managed to say, "no, stay, no. No."
His head dropped to his chest. He was pathetic. Whatever this was, the anxiety panicky thingy that Ben had said, had turned him into a blubbering mess. He was actually lying on the floor, practically in Ben's lap. Ben's.
"Kenji," Ben said, "you told me to get help. I can go, right now."
He-very gently-moved Kenji away, and Kenji hugged himself, curling up on his side. Tears tracked down his face. The salty taste turned his stomach.
Ben didn't move. He sat there, looking down at Kenji.
"Are you going to be okay here for a minute? I promise, I'll be as fast as I can. Or...or I'll get one of the others up to go grab Dave and Roxie, and I-"
"No!" Kenji gasped.
His eyes flew open, and his head spun. Pausing, he clenched his jaw, then said, "I don't want any...I don't want any of them... I'm the cool guy. Not the, 'sobs on the floor because of a light' guy."
Ben looked out to the forest, frowning thoughtfully. Then he turned back to Kenji.
"Kenji. You're still the cool guy, no matter what you do. You have the sunglasses, the rich kid clothing, and even the talk. I've never heard anyone say bruh without it sounding ridiculous before you," Ben said.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Kenji pressed his forehead against the wood floor, while Ben continued. "And this isn't your fault. Anyone can have problems like this, even the coolest of cool guys. Anxiety doesn't pick-and-choose based on your status."
Kenji's throat could've been stuffed full of cotton balls, and it wouldn't have been as dry as it was right then.
"You don't have to worry about the others, either. Nobody would tease you, I promise," Ben said.
Slowly, Kenji forced himself to sit up. His body had gone completely puppet, and someone had cut the strings, leaving him swaying in place.
"Thank you, Ben," Kenji mumbled.
Finally, Kenji's breathing was at least close to normal. He couldn't even feel his heartbeat anymore.
Kenji dropped himself against Ben, head leaning on his shoulder, and threw his arms loosely around him. Immediately, Ben patted his back.
Ben's shoulder shouldn't have been comfortable, as bony and small as it was, but Kenji had never had a pillow so cozy. He breathed deeply, inhaling the smell of hand sanitizer and... was that strawberries?
"Dude. What kind of shampoo do you use?" Kenji asked, blinking lazily up at him.
Chuckling nervously, Ben said, "it's a fancy brand my mom buys... she says it's important to keep your hair fresh and soft, because there are a lot of germs that can live in hair, not to mention lice and other minuscule parasites."
"Mm. You'll have to show me the label later. It smells good."
"Oh-"
Ben perked up, giving Kenji a smile.
"I'll give you the spare bottle I have. You probably need a shower after crying and laying on the floor, anyway," Ben said.
Just the thought of trying to stand up long enough to shower-especially to wash his hair, which took easily twenty minutes for full Kenji shine-made Kenji groan. His head rolled, and he looked up at the sky.
He let go of Ben, flopping onto his back, and said, "I think I'll just lay here for awhile. Yeah. Sleep under the stars..."
Frowning, Ben gingerly lowered himself to lay beside Kenji. He tugged over the blanket, which had been discarded at some point when Ben was trying to help Kenji, and bunched it up under their heads.
"Thanks, man," Kenji said.
"Well, the floor is a breeding ground for so much bacteria, I wouldn't dare put my head right on it. And I can't let you get something, because we're living in close proximity." Ben shrugged.
"I...I meant thank you for everything. The blanket-burrito-pillow is great, but...I really thought I was gonna die."
Ben paused. Glancing over at him, Kenji found him tracing the stars with his eyes. The reflection there, black with white spots on light blue, was something close to beautiful. Kenji was openly staring, without meaning to.
"Kenji, I know what that feels like. I look tiny, and pale, and sickly. Because of that, I've walked on eggshells my entire life. I've inhaled wrong and started crying because I was scared for my life," Ben said. "But I don't know what panic attacks or anxiety feel like. I can't tell you I understand."
He took a deep breath, and said, "I can say, however, that I'm here if you need me. You think it makes you weak or 'lame' to ask for help. But I'm weak and lame, and trust me, you are neither."
Rolling over so that he was on his stomach and looking at the fire, head propped up on his crossed arms, Kenji snorted.
"Anyone who could see the last however-many-minutes would disagree with you there, bro. You stayed calm. You saved me. I don't think that's what someone who's weak or lame would do," he said, voice muffled by his arm.
"You would have been fine. Panic attacks pass, they're not as dangerous as they feel. It would have taken longer, yes, but...you would've been fine."
Their eyes met, and Kenji smiled.
"Thanks, Benny boy."
Ben grinned, but it quickly turned into a yawn. Glancing down to his hands, which were still jittery, Kenji pushed himself up. Normally, he would have offered Ben a hand, but Kenji didn't trust himself not to drop him. What a thank you that would be.
Instead, he let Ben stand by himself, dragging the blanket up with him. Kenji grabbed the store of water hidden behind the fire pit and dumped it into the flames, then sighed.
"I'm so done with today, dude. Let's go to bed," he said.
With a nod, Ben pulled the blanket around his head, stifling another yawn. Kenji put down the water bucket, then threw an arm around Ben's shoulders.
"Kenji?" Ben asked.
"Yeah?"
"Promise me, if you start to panic again, you'll wake me up. Or Darius, or Brooklyn, or...or someone. I don't want you to have to go through that alone."
Kenji paused, one foot on the staircase, and looked up at Ben. He was standing on the third step, and they were nearly the same height. Kenji's breath caught in his throat, but not because he was panicking.
Quickly, he said, "deal. Now, c'mon, Ben."
He started up the steps, accidentally brushing shoulders with Ben as he passed. Kenji's arm could have actually exploded into glitter and sparkles, and it would have felt less surprising then the way it was tingling.
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Kenji swallowed hard. He hoped his cheeks weren't pink, but just in case, he didn't look back.