...CONTINUED FROM PART 1
(thoughts in italics bold; spoken in bold)
Serkan took Eda to his new home where he had already moved, the home which he had started building for Eda, the house of the ill fated doctor who had fallen in love with his neighbor. Unknown to her, he had brought her in the guise of bouncing ideas off her for a client, but in reality he wanted to make it ready for her, in the hope of a distant future. That distant future seemed impossible then as they had said goodbyes in the balcony then; And now it seemed even more impossible, he sighed. He knew that no one knew about this house so he had a few hours he could take care of her before she was fully conscious and of course would angrily leave him yet again.
The house was half set up and only the rooms at the top level were ready. The master bedroom was setup just as she had imagined that long past day. He knew it was sheer damn sentimentalism to have moved into this house, especially after breaking up with her, but he wanted to be at a place which for some strange reason felt like contained a part of her too.
Now he carried her up the stairs, laid her on the bed. She was still groggy and immediately put her head on the pillow and went to sleep. He opened the French windows to air the room and then came to cover her with a comforter. He noticed her jumpsuit was torn at the waist and a bruise at her rib cage was turning blue and purple. He rummaged for a loose shirt in the closet and and came back with a pair of scissors and salve with a dressing. He waited for a moment to see if there was a chance of her waking up so she could take off her dress herself, but seeing she was fast asleep, he gingerly drew the zipper down the front. Her curvaceous breasts encased in lacey lingerie spilled over and her flat midriff and the womanly dip at the waist, drew his eyes irresistibly. Shakily, he drew a breath, willing himself not to be aroused just at sight. He cut away the sleeves, carefully dislodging the dress from under her sleeping form. It was hard to just touch her and stay away. He wondered in his mind how his fingers knew her curves, her body so well despite really being together only a few times; as if his fingers had memorized each rise and swell and the angles of each dip and the distance of each span. How was this hunger that gnawed at him incessantly be appeased? Maybe at some time in the future it would become an anonymous hunger again, as it had been in the past
Serkan had dated Selin for years and slept with her on and off regularly, but it had almost been routine, like their work, following a time-table. If they went out to dinner, they normally went to her home. And once done, he would make an excuse to leave her and head home. It wasn't that she displeased her, it was just that he liked coming home, alone, enjoyed a walk around, watched the stars, read a bit and falling asleep alone. He hated sharing his space with anyone and a live-in girl-friend seemed too much for him. That very inability to have her around for long periods of time, became the reason he never proposed marriage to her, even though he knew she waited for him. He had tried at times, tried very hard, to be a passionate lover for Selin, but somehow the moment he saw her, even if she was in bed with him, even if it was just after an orgasm, he felt compelled to talk about company matters. He felt a heel when he did it, but at times after sex all he could think of was how to get her help to solve this problem or that. It wasn't as if he disliked her, on the contrary he enjoyed her passion about work and her insights, liked heading out to business dinners and inviting the curious and envious gaze of men; but he felt no longing for her; never did he find himself reaching out for her hand, never did he feel compelled to prolong a hug, never did he find himself fantasizing about Selin even in the early heady days when he imagined himself in love with her. He had become convinced that sex was a bodily function and probably stories and songs written about making love were just describing an imaginary feeling, only designed to sell products. Whatever it was, he hadn't experienced magic, so he treated sex as just that, sex..not, making love.
But somehow with Eda, his experience of years melted away, he felt much younger than thirty years of age. He tried to remember when he had felt this unchecked passion, where even imagining someone made him hunger madly for touching her. And he could only think of himself at seventeen, when he had just lost his virginity to an older school mate, when his days were just spent waiting for the next time they met, and when even seeing her passing by was enough for him to get aroused immediately. He had felt turned on even the first time he had held Eda close, at the dance at their engagement or had watched the stars the same night in close proximity. In fact, he was so brutally turned on, he was taken aback by his own arousal. That night all he wanted was to send her away, take a cold shower so he could come back to his normal unemotional self, his blessed normal that he could handle. But as time had gone by and he had fallen in love with her, he had yoyo-ed between exhilaration at meeting her and disappointment at getting no response from her. The extraordinary ups and downs of their relationship had meant he was never sure just what he meant to her. He had wondered how she couldn't see the effect she had on him, how like an eager affection- starved puppy he was hanging around her. Because that is how he felt, back again a teenager, just waiting for a touch, fantasizing about her.
After they had made love the first time, in the aftermath, lying together, he had told her rather shame facedly about how difficult it had been for him to keep his hands off her for so long. She had simply turned towards him and dimpled prettily at him, "Then don't". He had lain there stunned at the way she gifted herself without reserve. To be honest he would have expected any woman to play hard to get, to ration out her affection, parcel out her time and even keep back her love making to keep the man begging... but not Eda.
Serkan applied the medication to the bruise and then the medicated dressing. And then lay down , fully clothed, next to her, watching her as she slept. She looked at peace, he knew the look from the few times they had managed to steal some time together, when she slept after making love, with a peaceful look on her face holding him to herself. Serkan thought to himself, he ought to stop thinking so much about making love, especially when she was so close.. but then his lips twisted thinking of the angry nights he paced up and down his room after breaking up with her, feeling as if he would go mad with his desire for her and seriously contemplated going to her one night to just beg her to come back.
It made no difference, she was next to him on this bed or miles away in her bedroom, he was as aroused by the thought of her as he was when he was inside her. And even if Serkan had never known a love as all consuming as he felt for Eda, he knew that the passion he felt for Eda was because his body, mind and soul all craved her together.
And now he had destroyed everything. He shifted to his side watching her sleep, carefully moving the strands of hair away from her forehead tucking them behind her ear, her fingers lingering near the lobe of her ear, toying with it, fighting a desire to put his mouth where his finger was. His eyes were getting clouded from desire and being so close to her and she shifted in her sleep, her thigh now resting against his thigh. He jerked himself and his hand away, "No", he spoke to himself , harshly, loudly, sick of having to fight himself. She smiled and with her eyes closed, asked, "Why not?" It was then he realized he had spoken aloud and probably she had woken up with his loud exclamation.
"Are you okay? How do you feel? Open your eyes, Eda." Businesslike Serkan took charge of the out-of-control Serkan. She opened her eyes and focused on him, "Good morning", she smiled at him dreamily..."Are you a dream? Or did I spend the night with you?", Then she flicked her fingers across his mouth, "Not a dream" she said, taking her time to trail her fingers from his lips down to his throat and into the open neck of his shirt. Then she touched his fully buttoned up shirt, and said " No this is a dream, because why would you be wearing clothes in bed? Only in my dreams do you do such ridiculous things Serkan Bolat". She laughed delightedly.
Despite his own somber state of mind, he smiled at her, wanting this to go on. "Umm...I am interested what else do I do in your dreams?" He asked attempting to lean away from her fingers busy drawing doodles across the hollow of his throat.
Eda "hmm, what do you do?... For example, you never try and run away when I touch you." And she withdrew her hand. They both lay, alert, serious, realizing the fun and games were over, watching each other.
"What happened ?" Eda asked..
Serkan drew a huge breath, "You got hurt, fell down and we found you. Some mild concussion.." She cut him short.. "I don't mean that... What happened to us? I remember everything, our break up, our argument at the sea side in the camp. I was disorientated when I woke up for a moment but I remembered as you touched me." She got up carefully, feeling for the pain in her ribcage where the bruise was.
Eda continued, " What happened to us , can you tell me Serkan?....The thing is when you love someone, you know how they feel, without being told. You know from the way they touch you, the places they linger in, what they want to do, what they are feeling."
She turned to him as he also got up and sat facing away from her on the bed. He knew what was coming and it hurt to think she would again have hate-filled eyes for him.
Eda continued, "And sometimes it really is more meaningful to close your eyes and listen to the person, feel his silences, his hesitations. Sometimes it makes more sense than watch him doing all the nasty things you never thought he could do to you... Why did you bring me here? When I was injured you should have been the last person to take responsibility. Why have you been lying next to me, hesitating to touch me, fighting some inner demon? Why have you been lying next to me, unable to stop looking at me, unable to stop getting aroused, unable to stop touching me? Those are the questions I have. I know why you left me. I know I distract you from work and I know I am not your goal. You told me all this, remember? But then what is it that you are not telling me? Hmm", she asked softly.
She dragged herself to sit next to him, as he kept his eyes averted. "Please Serkan, tell me the truth. Don't I deserve the truth? I promise I won't bother you or try and come back to you. I promise you I will leave your company and your life. I promise you won't see me again ever. Just tell me the truth. I know you are not over me just that for some reason you want me to be out of your life. Just tell me the reason, so I can move on." She pleaded with him.
Unable to tolerate her feeling helpless about something that was never her fault, he turned to her and said, " No it was never your fault. You were the most innocent victim. You are just paying the price for having fallen in love with me. I wish I could take away your hurt. But there is nothing you did wrong. You are as perfect for me as you were the day you came into my life.", he stopped and looked hesitatingly at her. "Will it help you if I say you were the most beautiful thing to happen to me?" he gulped, emotions balling up his throat, "But I wasn't right for you Eda. You would have fallen out of love with me. Lets just say I know we would have broken up and it was better to break up earlier than later." His voice trailed off in a defeated whisper.
"Better? For who? Better for you? Better for me? You cannot decide for me, Serkan Bolat."Eda said strongly.
"I already did, I already decided for us."
"Okay I undecided whatever you decided." Eda said
"What?"
"Yes since you think you can decide for us. I just undecided for us."
"You cant do that. Nothing gets undecided.. Wait a moment, don't trap me, there is no word called undecided.." Serkan was thrown off balance and clearly finding it difficult to articulate words now.
"Well either you tell me the whole truth or we continue where we left off, till you tell me the truth." Proclaimed Eda imperiously.
Serkan shook his head trying to formulate any argument to counter this logic or lack of logic and then gave up..." Eda, you do realize we are not getting back together. We can't just go back to being lovers again..... or can we?" Looking at her hopefully.. "Of course we can't. What am I even saying? We broke up." Then he looked down at her at her gaping front in his shirt that barely covered her breasts and uncomfortably crossed his legs, "Can you please button up the shirt? he said averting his eyes
Eda, "Yes I decided we are back together, till you give me the reason why we broke up."
Serkan, "I cant. Its not my secret to give. Besides how do you know I didn't actually fall out of love with you? Maybe I brought you here because I felt guilty. Maybe I am trying to be a good ex-lover? " Serkan was sounding lame as an old drunk duck on crutches, but didn't she always bring him to this state, this state where he started arguing against his own self, because he didn't want to be apart from her.
Eda, " Oh you fell out of love? Really? Of course you did!", Eda scoffed at him in anger and then again narrowed her eyes as a tiny devil began his dance inside her head. Damn Serkan, how dare he say he is not attracted to me when he cant keep his eyes and hands from my body, lips and earlobes. Why does he get to deny what is clearly in front of everyone's eyes? she thought angrily.
She turned to him and angrily grabbed his neck on both sides and kissed him with all the pent up frustration and anger that she was capable of. She held his head at the back ready for his resistance. She kissed him and sucked lightly at his lower lip. After a few shocked seconds, he kissed her back as strongly as she did, stopping only to lean in more, her tongue inside of his mouth. She sat up on her knees, astride his thighs, wanting to take this where she wanted to go to prove to him how much his body betrayed his words. It hurt her ribcage a bit and she winced. Immediately he pulled away from her, asking her with concern if it hurt, his fingers delicately touching the dressing. He looked up to see her watch him, with the ironic look as if asking him a question wordlessly, "you still think you are not attracted to me?". He wryly accepted the impossibility of it with a lopsided smile and bent to tenderly kiss the skin near the bruise. She leaned away and pushed him on the bed till she was on her knees, astride him, her shirt hanging open, her entire body tensed. She felt his erection against her leg straining against his trouser. And with a bitter smile, she leaned forward to flick open the buttons of his shirt, disregarding him watching her with understanding, knowing what she was going through. She sprawled along the length of his body aiming to kiss the hollow of his neck, making sure to let him feel every curve of her body, every soft yielding place capable of giving him endless pleasure, then as she felt his hands go around her, holding her tight against him... it suddenly struck her, the futility of it all... that he would feel this way and yet deny her, that he knew how she felt and yet chose to deny her. Even if she proved to him how he was attracted to her, it solved nothing. All it did was prove that she did not suffer alone, that he wasn't as unaffected as he pretended to be. It took them nowhere. Silently she let the tears flow against his neck, sobbing like a child, angry at having lost in this game that he made her play. She cried at all the love she had for him, she cried for all the dreams she had which were only about him, she cried at having to give him up so soon.
Serkan understood her tears as he understood her anger. He knew she was crying because she loved him enough to fall in her own eyes, to try and seduce him even though he denied being attracted to her. Ah my sweetheart, if you but knew how much I love you, he thought. He held her tenderly his hand soothing down her back and her hair. Because even if he was the cause of everything, he knew that her grief couldn't get expressed unless expressed to him. He knew her complaining sobs were for him, alone.
At length she got up, avoiding looking at him, loosened his arms around her.
She got up and walked away his shirt hanging mid thigh, her hair swinging down her back.
She went and stood at the French windows, which for some reason seemed very familiar, and as she turned to look at the room she realized where she was. The room was done up just as she had imagined, pale pistachio green and the ivory colors as the theme with light and comfy furniture, the bare spaces and walls, accentuated by the ivory damask lace curtains. Through the open doors of the walk in closet , she could see his clothes, which meant he was actually living here. She turned away even more heartbroken, looking out to the sea...she thought, "He would build a home as she had designed in her mind, but would not build a relationship with her. What level of self denial was this she wondered. What instability was this? Maybe it was better they had broken up."
Beside her she sensed Serkan had come and was standing watching the same sea. "Eda, be reasonable", he started saying something..
Eda burst out, "Let it be Serkan. You think I don't understand where we are now? You build a home as I want but you won't build a relationship with me. You won't tell me the reason why you broke up with me. You will deny you are attracted to me even now. You will do everything you can to break me. How do I love you enough for the both of us?"
She faced him fully and said with compassion, looking at his defeated expression, "I understand you more than you think Serkan. I understand you took this decision because you wanted to save me from something. I don't know what, but I know you would not do this for a frivolous reason. But you have to know that whatever the reason might be, I would face it better with you by my side. You have to know that tearing yourself out is like cutting me in half and hoping the next big shock wont hurt me.
This house that you have built is just a grave for memories, if you are so ready to stop fighting for us. Come to me when being without me for a single moment hurts you. Come to me when your life is not worth living without me. Come to me when you have the courage to hold my hand even if every person in this world is against us. Because there will always be millions of reasons to not be together, but just one single reason to be together."
She walked to the bed stead and took her phone and called Ceren to come pick her up. She carefully closed the buttons of his shirt, picked up her boots and walked away in her socks down the stairs. He leaned against the door jamb watching her walk away.
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