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When I was younger, I didn't think black was a sad color to wear, even if you were going to a funeral, where supposedly you'd be sad.
As the oldest at the orphanage for a while, I'd been the one to join Aecha in some of her family passings, and the occasional child she used to care for.
This was the first time I'd personally felt black suited the mood.
The whole afternoon, I'd kept my eyes low on the wooden casket and rows of flowers set up along it. The people there included some friends from school, but none of the lunch buddies I'd seen sit with Jiho specifically. A few teachers, coworkers, and finally his brother, and sister.
It was painful to finally see Minie again. I wasn't sure if I could talk to her or not, since she, of all people, would know the dirty little details. I felt close enough to her, that if I had wanted to, I could ask about it. At the same time, I didn't think either of us could handle it, if I were to bring it up. Now wasn't the time.
The brother, on the other hand, was cleaned up nicely. He had dyed his hair black, as Minie had done, and it was the first time I'd gotten a clear sight of him. He had no mask, sunglasses, or baseball cap to hide his face. He looked like a normal college-aged student, though I knew he didn't attend college and worked. His eyes were hard, but that was the only thing that was much different from Minie's small facial features. He didn't look like Jiho, which was surprising, but not a bad thing.
I wasn't very surprised that I couldn't see Jiho's father anywhere, because I'd heard of the situation at home. It was almost shocking even to see his brother there.
For the majority of the ceremony, I zoned out. All seven of the boys attended with me, because they knew how much the events affected me, and didn't want me to go alone anyways. It wasn't abnormal to see Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jimin catch up with some of their old or current highschool friends while we were there, either.
Across the spongy and soaking grass, there was the band. Their heads were reverently bowed as their hands clasped together in front of them as they stood before the wooden case holding their bandmate. Daehyun and Seojin were there, holding onto each other's arms, standing with what seemed to be their other bandmates near the front. But Suho wasn't there, even despite the attendance of his brother.
As rain pelted our umbrellas, giving the nice ambient sound that I usually loved, the priest droned on about the beautiful life that was lost. It was an understatement.
And then they went on to explain what happened, except no one else seemed to know more than I did, which annoyed me. No one said the word, but it floated around in my head, bouncing off the walls, wanting to escape and fill everyone's heads for itself.
Suicide. That word meant nothing to me until I could get the details. It meant the same thing as car crash, boating accident, overdose. It meant nothing other than my favorite person is gone.
I'd been very careful not to talk to anyone. There was too much going on in my head, a whole sentence would be too hard of a task to complete.
When finally the casket was lowered into the ground, I stared ahead and didn't let my eyes focus on anything. I let my brain freeze, take a quick pause. I'd hit play again when it was safer to do so.
It was also easier to settle my attention on the rain. I loved the rain.
The rest of the service dragged on, and once it was over, Jungkook and Jimin went to chat with the bandmates. Daehyun was just another person on my list that I couldn't talk to, so I stayed put, next to my other brothers.
"I thought you'd be jumping at the chance to finally talk to Minie," Namjoon urged me. "Why don't you go say hi? Put a smile on her face."
By now, I'd gotten used to the constant nauseousness and anxiety pulsing through my body. It felt like it'd be nothing to walk up and talk to her, but at the same time, something else was stopping me. Maybe it wasn't physical this time.
I didn't move, or speak, so I assumed Namjoon would take that as a no.
Taking a few steps back, I grabbed Jin's hand and got closer to him so the umbrella would protect me better. The rest of the members were standing politely in their identical suits, surveying the surroundings and supervising the maknaes to ensure they were keeping the chatting appropriate.
After a while, I had a feeling the two boys were sensing my gloomy feeling about being there, and wrapped it up quickly so we could leave.
As we were leaving, we got closer to Minie and her brother. They'd parked a few spots down from us. I could feel her glancing our way as I waited for the rest of the members to load into the van, and eventually her wet, black sneakers that squeaked with every step found their way towards me.
"I'm sorry, I lost my phone the other day," she said quietly. I kept my eyes on the ground as she spoke, terribly afraid of meeting hers. It made me feel bad. "Would you mind telling your uncle I won't be in for work? No pay, of course. It'll be only a week or so, I promise."
"O-of course... yeah." I turned to look at her, but couldn't smile. "He'll understand."
Her smile failed to return to me, though I didn't take offense as I knew it was just a mutual feeling. "Thanks." She turned back to leave, but I just couldn't let her. I'd already said a total of five words to her, so what were a few more?
"But Minie...."
She turned around, waiting for me to say something.
"Minie, I..." I looked down. "I don't know why-"
"I don't either," she said as her expression stayed carefully stoic. "He just did it."
Turning on her heels, she left me speechless.
"Are you coming, Sujinnie? Should we give you more time?" Hoseok called from behind me.
I shook my head, and hurried into the van, watching as Minie's brother drove her away.
My head fell to the window, and I was more than ready to get out of there. The rain, mixed with the earbuds I was starting to put in was perfect. Just what I needed.
It was weird to leave, knowing Jiho was staying there. All alone.
It made my heart hurt even more. He was going to be alone. And cold.
It didn't seal the deal, it didn't make me feel like he was really gone, or dead. It just made me feel like we were leaving him there, trapped and locked underground. It wasn't very nice.
After a few minutes on the road, Jin cleared his throat. I pulled out my earbuds in case he had something important to say.
"Sujin, how about going to get some Thai to bring home for lunch? Or maybe Chinese, American food? Takeout?" My lack of response made him frown. "No?"
"Why would you want to celebrate a situation like this, Jin? I know I don't."
"Well- I'm sorry- I thought of it more as a let's get something good for lunch. I'm hungry and I don't feel like cooking at the moment... But we don't have to."
"I'm not hungry, but I don't mind if you guys stop."
"I'm not aching for food either," Yoongi said, "Why don't you drop us off and you guys go and get food?"
"Are you sure?" Hoseok asked. "We'll bring some food home, then."
I put my earbuds back in, eager to block out any other sound. As soon as we got home, I hopped out along with Yoongi, and was heading up the porch when I noticed Suho leaning against the railing with his hood up, staring out into nothing. He probably didn't even notice the car pull up. It was obvious he had been there for some time by how the back and arms of his hoodie were soaked, but he didn't look like he knew that the frigid rain had poured onto him anyways.
Good thing we hadn't gone anywhere afterwards. Who knows how long Suho would've been waiting outside in the rain for me- not that I got the impression he cared much.
"I just got back from the funeral," I said, approaching him as the van pulled away.
"Funeral? Oh."
"Your brother was there."
"Yeah, I'm now remembering he mentioned going. The band went too?"
"Mm hm. Why don't we go inside?" I asked, glancing at Yoongi as if to ask if it was okay if he hung around. My brother shrugged, gave me a smile, and then went inside.
"Sure."
I was thankful he was going to stick around. A distraction was something I desperately needed. I nodded and turned around to open the door, when I heard rustling behind me. I looked to see what was happening.
"Sujin," Suho said slowly, leaning over to pick something up from the ground.
"Hm?" I hummed, continuing to enter the dorm. The only thing I wanted was to get out of my dripping dress, and to pile into a bundle of blankets and hope Suho was okay with chilling in my room.
"When's the last time you... walked outside the front door with a clear head?"
I scoffed. "Probably a week ago. Obviously, not recently."
"Right. Well that might explain why you never noticed this sitting here. Wasn't it Jiho's?"
My breath hitched in my throat, my eyes shut, and my heart leaped. Anxiety pulsed through my body, but I continued to ask, "What is it. Suho. What is it."
"It's a... journal? Notebook? Diary? Uh-"
Within two seconds, I was by his side, snatching the leather-bound book from his hands.
I really had it. Jiho's prized possession, the notebook he'd held everywhere he went, at every second.
"So how did it get here?" Suho asked, peeking over my shoulder.
"He... I think he left it that day when he tried to take me out and then... I never made it. He must have left it here. That was the night... That was the night before he disappeared." I turned around, facing Suho's thoughtful expression. "Suho! This might be... This might say why. Oh my gosh." I sat down on the porch steps. "Why am I so stupid. How could I be so stupid!" With the stomp of my right foot, a snap made me realize I'd broken the right heel off. I tore open the velcro on the ankle strap, and threw the shoes to the side in my anger.
"Calm down, aish," Suho said, sitting next to me.
"But Suho, if I had seen this earlier... even that Saturday... He might have said he was going to do it. He might have said why... Suho, he wrote everything in this book. That night, I saw his silhouette outside the door. He was at the porch waiting for me. He must have had it, and when I didn't show, he left it here. He wanted me to have it. Who knows if he would have given it to me that night or not, or if he was going to right before he left-"
"Then maybe he didn't write about why he did it. If he was going to give it to you that night, anyways."
"Maybe. But don't discourage me, Suho. I really need to know. It'd help me so much-"
"I know you think that right now, but that's not true. It might not necessarily help you. Some things are better left unsaid."
"Minie wouldn't tell me today. I saw her at the funeral and she wouldn't even look at me."
"That could have been for a plethora of reasons, not just because she knew how her brother killed himself and she didn't feel like disclosing it to his girlfriend."
"It could have been one of them."
"I, personally, think it's a really bad idea," Suho said, inching his fingers towards the book to take it. "We should give it back to his family. Minie, or their brother, or even father would love to have it."
"It's drenched! It's been sitting out here for a while, it rained today, and Jiho left it here for a reason. I think he wanted me to have it."
"You're not listening, Sujin," Suho shook his head. "I'm just trying to warn you."
"And I'm just trying to say that this might be the only way I can fully heal. I know what I think would help me."
"But do you?" He looked me straight in the eyes, and raised his eyebrows. "Do you?"
"I don't know!" I squirmed.
Suho took a long look at the book, and then me, and then at the front door.
"Let's go inside, your brothers are probably going to be ushering you inside pretty soon anyways. I'll wait downstairs, with the book, while you go change, and then we can read it in your room. But if I say we need to stop, we will stop. Do you understand?"
With the nodd of my head, I stood, grabbed my discarded shoes, and opened the front door for Suho.
I carefully handed him the journal, and then raced upstairs. My pair of black puma sweats and form-fitting sweatshirt were paired together and thrown on myself. It felt so much nicer than the breezy dress.
Once back downstairs, I realized Yoongi had gone to his room, so I grabbed a plate to fill with crackers, cheese, and pepperoni, and then guestered for Suho to follow me upstairs. He took a seat on my desk chair, and I sat cross-legged on my bed. Placing the plate of food to the side of me, I held my hands out for him to give me back the book.
"This isn't a good idea Sujin, no matter how good it sounds right now." He muttered, but gave me the book anyway. "You're going to read something you don't want to know- don't need to know. It's only going to make this worse for all of us."
"All of us?" I pulled the book away from him quickly.
Suho scowled at me. "Yes, all of us. As much as you want to live all alone in your world of hurt, you're not the only one hurting. You need to get it through your head that you aren't the only one that knew Jiho, you weren't the only one who spent time with him, and you certainly aren't the only one hurting, but you can't acknowledge that, can you? Dae is hurting. The band is hurting. His friends are hurting. I'm hurting. You aren't the only one in the world that feels hurt, Sujin."
My breathing almost stopped as I looked at him. He looked serious, but I couldn't shake every word he'd just said to me out of my head.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "You just never seem like one to... care. And the other's haven't contacted me lately." I readjusted my position on the bed. "I can't get used to the fact he's gone. It feels like it'll never happen."
"Then go ahead. Try it. We'll just see who happens to be right here." With a shrug, he waved towards it.
With a nod and a deep breath, I cracked the beloved and secretive book open.
Hahahah well hello there my dear readers.
Idk what it is about it, but I really like this chapter and I felt good when I was writing it, haha. Hope you enjoyed!
How're ya'll doing? My state legit just went back into lockdown bc of covid. So hehe yeppie that's super duper fun.... 0_0. On the plus side, might get a lot of writing done. We'll see.
Please stay safe, healthy, and happy!!
-Rose