SCARLETT JENKINS
MONTH: SUMMER TRANSITIONING TO 10TH GRADE
A lot has changed and my mental health has improved greatly. And yet, I still find myself haunted by shadows of the past.
I think about my mom on a daily basis. The pain is less intense, but the empty seat she's left behind in my heart can never be taken. It makes me wonder— does time truly does heal all wounds? Or do we simply learn to live with our new reality?
That night doesn't make me react the same way it did when it initially happened. More and more, I'm becoming accepting of the fact that my mother is gone, and what I did afterwards. But it doesn't make me feel any better.
I'm still a murderer, and if it wasn't for me, she could still be alive.
Dwelling on this doesn't change anything though. You can't alter the course of life. We don't have that power as human beings. At least, I don't. The best we can do is continue on living.
I'm doing my best to look forward to the future and working on what I can control. I've been thinking of doing an apprenticeship with the same tattoo parlor that inked Carter. They've seen my designs and asked me if I'd be interested.
I don't have much to do these days since I graduated from the art academy. I no longer have to attend those classes and can work on my craft in my own free time. This could be a life-changing opportunity.
I'm scared for the possibility of not liking it, but I'm going to answer them back.
Maybe being a tattoo artist would be fun. Either way, having that skill under my belt is neat to have.
Everything is confusing right now and my anxiety tends to get the best of me. That's why I've been continuing to write in the journal that Carter gifted me. It wasn't the intended purpose, but I find writing down my feelings to be healing.
It's all coming together, I've been weaving the story into novella form. If possible, maybe I could publish it one day.
Maybe reading my story and all that has happened could help others.
I think now, more than ever, am I seeing how significant it is to manage our mental health. Today is Robin's death anniversary. I can't help but think that maybe if he had a resource like this, he would've hesitated..
I know that Carter feels guilty. He doesn't show those negative emotions much anymore. He does his best to see the beauty in life. I know he wishes that Robin could've seen it too.
If I can finish and edit the book, then maybe I could reach out to a publishing company and see what they say.
But now, I should find Carter. We still haven't gone to visit his grave today.
I exited my room and found Carter laying around in the living room. He looked drained of energy, his face devoid of emotion. ''Baby?''
He turned to glance back. ''Oh, hey Scarlett. Are you ready to go visit Robin?''
''Yeah, I am. Are you?''
Carter nodded, standing up. ''I've been waiting for you. I wasn't sure when you'd be available. You seemed busy.''
''I was just in my room thinking. I'm going to say yes to the apprenticeship.'' I announced excitedly with a hint of anxiety.
''You should, it'd be a good learning experience and you're amazing at what you do.'' He grabbed his watch off of the table and put it on before walking over. ''Let's go now.''
''I'm going to go grab my purse, I'll meet you outside.''
. . .
It was a surprisingly chill morning for the summer weather. We walked side by side through the cemetery, following the path to where Robin's grave was. I could feel a pit in my stomach as I glanced around.
The atmosphere was already grim in itself, but being here to visit a friend only makes the feeling worse.
Carter stopped in front of his grave once he found it. I stood slightly behind, watching as he knelt down to place the new skateboard that he bought. ''Hey Robin. I got this for you. I know you'd probably say it was a waste of money but I wanted to buy it for you eventually.''
There was a pang of pain in my heart. I remained quiet, allowing him to sit there in silence. He closed his eyes, seeming to be talking to Robin in his head. Or maybe trying to imagine himself conversing with him.
The heart-wrenching realization about death is that while time heals, it also makes your memories fade. If there's no pictures to reflect back on, you tend to forget what they looked like.
I was ashamed to admit that I couldn't remember Robin's face without looking in my scrapbook. But while the moments you spend with them will be lost in the time, the feeling in them will never fade.
I don't remember what exactly I talked about with him, but I can always recall his laughter, or the feeling I'd get when he'd call me doll face.
I wish he was still here to do so.
After a while, Carter stood up. He didn't say anything, slowly walking off. I followed closely, walking with him out of the cemetery. No words needed to be exchanged. We both had to have a moment to collect our thoughts.
Then, in a breathy voice, he turned to me. ''Do you want to go get some coffee?''
. . .
Carter and I sat in the corner window seat of a quaint coffee shop. The inside smelled like a mixture of honey and cinnamon. He ordered himself earl grey tea and a matcha latte for me.
''How are you feeling?'' I asked him, holding the cup in my hands.
''I don't know,'' He absentmindedly responded before sighing. His eyes met mine. ''It doesn't get any easier, does it?''
''I wouldn't say that. It only gets easier in the sense that you can distract yourself more.'' I glanced down to the green liquid. I was still struggling with death myself, I didn't think I could offer any advice. ''I'm sure he liked the skateboard.''
''I hope he did.'' Carter smiled a bit. ''I want to make my own board.''
I faintly smiled back. ''You can do it.'' I went quiet, searching for anything to say, and all I could come up with was this. ''It's going to get better, Carter.''
I looked up and found that he was staring back. He rubbed his face in his hands, then sat up straight. ''You're right. I know it'll get better.'' There was still a hint of sadness in his eyes, but he took another sip of his tea without another word.
. . .
When we got home, I could tell that Carter was still down. The energy that he was putting off seemed wrong, it was like my soul was telling me that he wasn't okay. After he closed the door, I pulled him into a hug.
Carter didn't say anything, he only hugged me back tightly. He held me as if he was begging for a hug the whole time. I was right, then.
I tightened my grip around him, closing my eyes. It was hard not to want to take him to bed and snuggle him. His embrace was always comfortable, but he was the one who needed to be comforted. I rubbed his back silently.
I wish I could do more for him. If it was possible, I would take all of his pain away. It hurt me deeply to see him hurting.
More than ever, I wished Robin was still here with us too. I wish they were both running around as usual, joking around and laughing together.
I backed up a bit to see his face, caressing it with my hand. He stared into my eyes, flickering his gaze down to my lips for a split second. ''Are you up for watching a movie?''
Carter looked back up at me. ''Yeah.''
. . .
With his arms around me, I sat in his lap in the theater room. Every time I stepped in here, I always thought about the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were eating pineapple pizza now like how we were back then, too.
I hope these small things with you don't change.
Carter had his attention fixated on the movie. It was a comedy that I picked out. Laughter is the best medicine, and despite him being someone who always tried to make others laugh now, he was the one who needed it today.
He seemed to have calmed down. His body was relaxed, a faint smile on his face. He squeezed me tight in his embrace. Carter suddenly kissed behind my ear then planted another one on my cheek.
I was about to turn to kiss him on the lips but then the entrance opened, revealing his mother. ''Sorry to interrupt you lovebirds.'' She walked in, heading towards us.
''It's OK. What's up, mom?'' Carter asked, keeping his arms around me.
''We're all having a family dinner tonight. Me and your uncle.'' Bridget announced. Her hair was disheveled like she had been running around.
''Where?''
''This new place near the Fire Kingdom called Firefly Dining.'' His mother explained. ''It's built on a tree house.''
''Let me guess. It's gonna have fireflies around?'' Carter asked with a breathy chuckle.
''Yup. I've always wanted to see them.'' Bridget stated in excitement. There was a twinkle in her eyes.
''That's cool. When do we need to get ready?'' He questioned, slowly removing his arms.
''In a few hours.'' Bridget answered. ''It's best to start getting ready soon.'' She then left the room.
''Alright,'' Carter placed his hands on my thighs. ''I'm gonna bleach my hair in the meantime. Wanna help me?''
I tried to ignore the feeling of his touch. ''Sure.''
. . .
I rubbed the oil in my hands. We were both in the bathroom. It had taken hours, but we managed to bleach his hair properly. Throughout the process, he only bothered to throw on a pair of joggers.
There was still condensation running down his chest from his shower earlier. I stepped closer to him, running my fingers through his hair and soothing his scalp with the oil. Carter winced, it was still burning from the bleach.
''Is this okay?'' I asked, applying a different kind of oil into his hair and massaging it into his scalp.
''Mmm..'' He mumbled, his eyes closed. ''It feels better now, yeah.''
''Alright.'' I answered in relief, continuing to massage until I felt the oil had absorbed nicely. Removing my hands from his hair, I turned to wash my hands in the sink.
I heard Carter get up from behind me. The soap and water from my hands went down the drain and I turned the faucet off. Before I could dry them, I was suddenly backed up into the counter while he reached over to grab his cologne.
He pressed my body against his, leaning in closer. What is he doing?!
He started to trail open-mouth kisses down my neck. I was in shock but my body relaxed under his spell. ''Carter..''
''Hmm?'' He hummed against my skin.
''You could've asked me to move..'' I managed to get out, my cheeks heating up.
''It's fun to tease you.'' Carter chuckled, backing up to allow me to turn around to face him.
I simply stared at him. The tension between us was unbearable. It's been happening a lot lately where he touches me in places he normally wouldn't or making dirty jokes.
And I couldn't deny that I love when he does those things.
I stepped in closer to him, placing my hand on his bare chest. I slowly trailed it down until my finger remained on the hem of his joggers. Carter watched, staring at me intently with jagged breath.
''Is it fun now?'' I asked, trying my best to be seductive.
It won him over because next thing I knew his lips were on mine. He lifted me up onto the counter, getting in between my legs until there was no space left. My arms were around him as he continued to kiss down my neck and to my collarbone.
His hands started exploring all over my body, from my chest to the inside of my pants. I let out a small gasp as he took no time to start experimenting with his fingers.
My skin was on fire as I surrendered myself to the pleasure he was giving me. Carter took them out, pulling at my pants to take them off completely.
''Carter! Scarlett! Get ready if you haven't already!'' Bridget called from outside of his room.
He jumped away from me, visibly scared at the prospect of his mother possibly catching us if she had just walked in and came near the bathroom. I pulled up my clothes and got off of the counter.
We were both breathing heavily, unable to break away from each other's gaze. As I stared at him, I felt the disappointment wash over me. I wanted more. I wanted all of him, right then and there.
Carter seemed to be sharing the same sentiments. He smiled gently, kissing my forehead. ''Let's get ready, Scar.''
I nodded. I wanted to bring up what I truly desired to do, but we had a dinner to go to. ''I'll see you after I'm done.'' With that, I left for my room to get dressed.