I bite my finger, unconsciously. My eyes wavering outside the car looking for J-Hope's figure. 'Why? Why would I left my computer unlocked or shut down before leaving my seat? This will bring madness into the BigHit office tomorrow' I tell myself quietly. Not even a few months I've worked with BigHit but somehow I felt like this is my lowest moment in life. How will I handle a big company like my grandfather's? This makes me regret my decision in agreeing to my grandfather's proposal.
"I've failed," I said, breaking the silence in the car. Suga who is driving turned his head around and said "No, you're not. This is the life we all have chosen. Whether we like it or not, there will be a lot of negative comments about us. It's just our choice on how to engage with it."
"Luckily our company really does take care of their artist carefully. All of the negative comments will be sued if they breached the artist's privacy. So you don't need to worry, let the legal team of the company handles the rest of it," Jin replied.
"What's more important now is we find J-Hope as soon as possible. After all of that, he should not be alone. He must've someone to talk to," added Suga. He let out a worried expression. Jimin and V were quiet as we all worried about J-hope's safety. Then, Jimin's handphone began to ring. He answered the call, nodded a few times before saying goodbye, and end the call.
"Namjoon-hyung told me that J-hope-hyung's sister called. She said that J-hope is near Han Gang River. She told us to go there as she was in Jeju for her work. She also said that she knows he's sad and told us to take good care of him," explained Jimin after the call.
I admit after heard what Jimin said just now really lift up a few burdens off my shoulder. I'm grateful that J-Hope is okay. But I can't stop blaming myself for letting him read all of the nasty comments. Then, V put his hand on my shoulder as if to tell me that everything is fine now and stop overthink too much. I'm relieved by such a gesture. V might look a little childish but he knows how to comfort a person in stress.
***
J-Hope was laying on the green grass. His eyes set on a couple of stars that were sparkling. He thought about his past self. He came from his town to Seoul to achieve his dream. His passion for dancing never dimmed even just by little and always delivered with such enthusiasm. But somehow working too hard makes him set an unrealistic standard for himself, making him keep on pushing forward even though he was tired. Certainly, negative comments did not help him even though he was trying to be optimistic about it. After the call with his sister, he slowly calms down. She always is his best friend and without him telling, his sister already knows that he's not in his usual self tonight.
He then closed his eyes and start humming the Answer: Love Myself song. The lyrics go:
"어쩌면 누군가를 사랑하는 것보다
더 어려운 게 나 자신을 사랑하는 거야
솔직히 인정할 건 인정하자
니가 내린 잣대들은 너에게 더 엄격하단 걸
니 삶 속의 굵은 나이테
그 또한 너의 일부, 너이기에
이제는 나 자신을 용서하자 버리기엔
우리 인생은 길어 미로 속에선 날 믿어
겨울이 지나면 다시 봄은 오는 거야"
(Translation:
Loving myself might be harder
than loving someone else
Let's admit it
The standards I made is more strict for you
The thick tree rings in your life
It's part of you, it's you
Now let's forgive ourselves
Our lives are long, trust yourself when in a maze
When winter passes, spring always comes)
Without his knowing, tears were running through his cheeks. Yes, sometimes we do need to take a break for a while. Working hard is good but to tire ourselves with our own standard and not forgiving ourselves for not able to achieve that standard is not healthy. He relates to the lyrics so much that he began to pat himself on his chest. 'Ahh, you've worked hard. I'm sorry for not giving you time to adjust,' he told himself.
"You're doing great Hope-ah. You're always great." J-Hope opened his eyes quickly as he was surprised by someone's voice that was beside him. He turns to his right and saw Suga was laying beside him. His eyes met Suga.
"Yes hyung, no one could ever replace you as our best dancer! We always love you for you," Said Jimin. Then J-Hope looks to his left to find Jimin beside him.
"Ahhhh! I love Hobie hyung so much!" said V suddenly hugging J-Hope. J-Hope sat up and went silent for a moment.
"You guys....." he lost for word. Then he starts again, "How? Why?...." J-Hope asked and began to cry. Then all of them hugging J-Hope and patted him on his back.
"Guys let's eat!" Jin shouted from afar with a few black plastic bags in his hands. he walked towards them with Victoria, Jungkook, and RM.
"When did you guys get here?" asked V to RM and Jungkook.
"Ah, we went here after J-Hope's sister called us. We want to help find him too," said Jungkook while patting J-Hope's head.
"Yeah, we met them while buying this teokbokki in that stall," Victoria added while adjusting her shirt to sit down on the grass. "I'm truly sorry for what happened J-Hope. I'm so careless for letting things like this happened and make it out of control. I hope you forgive me."
J-Hope wipes his tears on the cheeks and said "It's okay manager-nim. It's not your fault. I would encounter things like that even without reading it from your PC. But after a few thoughts, I resolute that I will come back better and be a better version of myself. Now I know where I lack and I intend to improve my weaknesses. I'll become better, I promise you." J-Hope said calmly.
He really is a very optimistic human being. A ray of sunshine I would say, that shine through after heavy rain. The sunshine that gave hope, new hope to people. He really makes Victoria realized that sometimes unfortunate events that happened in our life do not always mean bad things. Sometimes that kind of event was to teach us to look back and learn why we need to keep on going forward. Suddenly she hugged him and J-Hope was shocked by his manager's brazen action.
"You've worked hard and everybody knows how great you've become. Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson in life. To never let go of my past instead, embrace it as it also a part of me. To never let go of my passion as it is for my future. Thank you." Victoria said to J-Hope before breaking the hug.
"To never have regret in life!" RM said and suddenly they were chanting the same thing. Then they ate the teokbokki together while talking and laughing about their past. It was an emotional night indeed.
The next morning, Bang PD already notified Victoria that the comments were deleted as they don't want to get sued by BigHit and already apologized for their actions. This matter was taken care of professionally by the BigHit legal team. I'm so thankful for their work. It clears the air for a while. She sips her coffee after let out a relief sigh while keep on working on the boys' schedules and meetings.
***
Suga was working on a new song and he needs some feedback from Bang PD before he proceeds with a demo. While walking towards his boss's office, he saw Hyeon with an old man. The old man dresses pretty well. Both Hyeon and that old man walks inside the Bang PD office after were invited by the Bang PD himself. 'He must know that old man,' said Suga alone after watching how friendly Bang PD with his two guests. Before he went any further, his handphone rang and he answered it. It was RM, he needs some help in his studio. Suga then went straight towards RM studio without going to Bang PD's office.
**Hi guys, how are you. I hope everyone is doing fine even though there's a whole pandemic happening. Stay safe everyone. Quarantine makes me realized something I've always love to do, reading, and writing. After 2 years. I published this new chapter. I'm the worst story-teller you guys ever met but I'm so thankful to whoever read this little piece of my mind. Oh, and these past 2 years, actually for the past 7-8 years I'm in this Bangtan stuff, there's soooo much thing happening with our boys. I'm so proud beyond words. They are breaking records everywhere but still stay humble. Truly an inspiration, all of these seven boys are really special to me. I know this story is a bit outdated as I wrote this back when HYYH pt1 was released. But I will try to make this as current as possible. Anyway, STREAM LIFE GOES ON! Also, what is your favorite song in BE album? Mine is Life Goes On and Blue and Grey.**
XOXO,
QIRAKIRA, 2020