It had been a couple days since Hinata's death and Kageyama was exactly where he didn't want to be: the hospital. Kageyama had tried to overdose on the pain medication, but he hadn't been able to, because right when he ingested them, Kuroo had shown up to check on him. Kageyama had been rushed to the hospital to get all the drugs out of his system. They told him he was lucky he'd been saved in time, but he didn't feel lucky, he just wanted to see Hinata again. He didn't strongly believe in anything, he wasn't sure if there was a heaven, hell, or anything at all. But even nothingness would be better than the reality of a lifetime without Hinata.
"I know what you're thinking," Kageyama looked up at the voice. Kuroo was standing in the corner of the room. He had barely left Kageyama's side since he'd found him and brought him to the hospital. Kuroo walked over to Kageyama's bed.
"I'm not going to let you do anything. After they release you, you're coming back home with me until I can find a better place. Kenma may not like it, but it's better than you being alone." Kageyama began to protest, but Kuroo held up a hand, "You don't get a choice in the matter. It's bad enough that Hinata's gone, there's no way I'm letting you die too." Kageyama felt frustrated, him and Kuroo weren't even that close, they'd only become friends because of Hinata's friendship with Kenma. Why was he doing all this? Surely it wouldn't affect Kuroo that much if Kageyama wasn't around anymore. Kuroo continued speaking, "I want you to know that there are people who care about you. People who would be devastated if you were gone. I'm including myself among those people. Think about how you feel about Hinata, others are going to feel that way about you. You don't want to give them hurt like that."
"What do you know about what I feel?!" Kageyama burst out, "Hinata meant everything to me and now he's gone! I'm the reason he's dead! If I hadn't been so goddamn stupid, he would still be here right now! Obviously, the world is better off without me in it! How could you possibly know what that feels like?!"
"I don't know what that's like," Kuroo relented, "But that still doesn't mean I agree with you or want you gone."
"That's not my problem," Kageyama responded, "I still don't want to be here, no matter what you say, you're nowhere as good as Hinata, so don't you dare think you can replace him."
"I'm not saying that I can," Kuroo said hurriedly, "I'm just telling you that I'm here for you."
"I don't want you to be," Kageyama said angrily, "Just go away, I want to be alone."
"I'm not doing that. I'll stop talking to you if you want, but there's no way I'm leaving this room," Kuroo told him.
"Fine," Kageyama growled. He felt so much hatred for Kuroo in that moment. He didn't want to be here anymore, and it was his life, Kuroo had no right to stop him. He glanced around the room, was there anything he could use to... wait. This room looked familiar, it was probably just because all hospital rooms looked the same, but he just had to make sure.
"Kuroo, what's the room number?"
Kuroo got up and leaned into the hallway to check, "4878. Why?"
"Get me out of here," Kageyama demanded.
"You're leaving later today, so it'll be a bit..." Kuroo trailed off as he saw Kageyama's expression, "Oh, you mean like right now? What's wrong?"
"Get me out," Kageyama repeated more urgently as he began to climb out of bed.
Kuroo concentrated for a moment, and then he seemed to remember something and realization dawned, "Is this where... Oh my god." He moved to help Kageyama out of bed. As soon as he was standing, Kageyama pushed Kuroo away and quickly went out into the hallway and collapsed on the floor, shaking. He'd just been where Hinata had died, he didn't think he'd ever be back there, and he didn't want to be.
He was breathing heavily, when a deadpan voice said, "What are you doing?" Kageyama looked up and saw Kenma sitting on the bench outside of the doorway.
"Kenma," Kageyama gasped, "What are you doing here?"
"I came with Kuroo," Kenma explained, "He wouldn't let me come in though. Something about how it was a delicate situation and I wouldn't be properly suited to it. Which frankly, I find insulting. I heard you tried to kill yourself."
Kuroo stepped out of the room, "Kenma!"
"Go away!" Kageyama yelled at him.
"Okay, fine, but Kenma, make sure you keep an eye on him. I'll be in the waiting room." Kenma shrugged, and Kuroo left.
"Are you planning on trying it again?" Kenma asked.
"Honestly, yeah," Kageyama told him, "I just don't feel like there's anything here for me, and I don't want live the rest of my life without Hinata."
"Makes sense," Kenma said.
Kageyama was surprised, "You're not going to try and stop me?"
"I mean, I don't want you to do it, but it's your life. I am going to ask you one thing though: do you think it's what Shoyo would've wanted?"
"Why does that matter? He's not here anymore," Kageyama snapped. That did get him thinking though, is this what Hinata would've wanted? Probably not, but that didn't mean he didn't want to do it.
"What was the last thing he said to you?" Kenma asked.
Kageyama thought, "Don't forget me."
He told Kenma. Kenma's eyes widened, "Kageyama you can't die."
"Why not?" Kageyama demanded.
"You may not respect Shoyo's wishes--"
"How dare you!" Kageyama interrupted.
"Let me finish," Kenma continued, "It sounds to me like he very much wants you to live and help him have a legacy, since he can't do it himself. Remember, he was my friend too, and I want to make sure his memory lives on."
"I don't know if that's what he meant," Kageyama said, "I'll wait a few days, but if I don't get some sort of sign about what he wanted, then I don't see any reason for me to go on existing."
"Kuroo will stop you, so I'm not worried," Kenma told him, "Speaking of, we should probably go join him and go home." Kenma stood up and offered a hand to Kageyama. Kageyama took it, but then flinched and let go. Kenma's hands were close to the size of Hinata's, obviously they didn't feel exactly the same, but close enough to make Kageyama feel sick with grief. Kenma hesitated, he seemed unsure of what he should do, so he just watched as Kageyama made an effort to stand. They found Kuroo and he told them he'd gotten the hospital to release Kageyama a bit early, since he was supposed to be let out that day anyway.
It was getting dark as they walked to the car, and by the time they reached Kenma and Kuroo's apartment building, the stars were visible. He looked up at them and found Cassiopeia, it had changed position slightly, but the sight of it immediately brought him back to that night walking home with Hinata, where he'd named the stars after Kageyama. What had he said back then? That Kageyama could add a light even when darkness surrounded him? Kageyama didn't really feel like a light right now. He felt more like the one creating darkness than the one getting rid of it, and there sure was a lot of darkness to go around. Kageyama felt like he was suffocating in it. His eyes started watering and the stars began looking streaky. It was all too much, everything was happening so fast, and it was just getting so much worse. Hinata had been his light, and now the world looked bleak and gray.
"The stars sure are pretty aren't they," Kuroo commented.
"Yeah," Kageyama said hoarsely, "Yeah, they are."
After a few more moments, they stepped inside, Kageyama was reluctant, all he wanted to do was look up at the stars, but Kuroo gently guided him inside.
"I'm sorry," Kuroo told him, "I'm so sorry, but it's dark and cold outside."
"It's dark and cold everywhere," Kageyama responded. No one said anything. Kenma handed Kageyama a mug of hot chocolate.
"This may be a little strange for summer, but chocolate always makes me feel better," he said.
"Thanks," Kageyama murmured. He took a sip of the hot liquid. It was good, it tasted slightly of peppermint and he liked the feeling of the warmth trickling down his throat.
"I have something for you too," Kuroo told him. He went into the other room and got a box.
"This is all Hinata's stuff from the hospital," Kuroo explained, "I thought you might want it." Kageyama stared at the box, his mug raised halfway to his lips, the hot chocolate already in his stomach settling like a weight. After a minute, he set down his mug and took the box.
"Is there a room for me to stay in?" Kageyama asked quietly. Kuroo nodded and directed him down a hallway to a plain looking bedroom. Kageyama stepped in and closed the door without saying a word. He set the box down and took a deep breath before opening it. On top was Kageyama's t-shirt. He picked it up and held it his face. It still smelled like Hinata. He held it close, wishing Hinata was actually here. He set in in his lap and took out the next thing: the stuffed dog. It was ugly and he hated its name, but it was the closest he'd ever get to having a pet with Hinata. He set that down too, and picked up Hinata's phone. He turned it on and saw the wallpaper of him and Hinata smiling and hugging. This hurt so much. The last thing in the box was the journal. Kageyama's hands trembled as he picked that up. He flipped to the first page and saw his drawing of Hinata. He couldn't handle this. He wanted to destroy his drawing, and his entries. They just reminded him more of his sadness. He threw it across the room.
It didn't get damaged, but it hit the wall with a smack and fell open to the last half of the journal. The pages it opened to were covered in writing. That was weird. Kageyama didn't remember getting that far. He moved across the room and grabbed the journal. It wasn't his handwriting either. He recognized it though. It was Hinata's. Kageyama's heart started beating faster. He found the page where Hinata's writing began, and started reading.