Prologue

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Sitting in an incredibly crowded and noisy café, I felt my hands shaking but I couldn't contain the anxiety boiling inside of me, threatening to blow the lid of my carefully crafted self-control any minute now. I tried to warm my half frozen hands with the coffee cup that the waitress sat in front of me with a nonchalant "Here you go."

I never particularly liked coffee before but I was desperately trying to stay awake. I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up drenched in sweat and fear. It must have been before it all began. The café was getting louder and stuffier by the minute and I was wondering if he would ever arrive or if I was the victim of a catfish.

The folded piece of paper in my pocket was my only anchor in that moment, my only focus and the only thing that kept me going. I ran my numb hands over my face, rubbing at my frustration when a thin, sketchy man approached my table in the corner of the café.

"Do you have it?" he asked with a breathy urgency in his smokey voice.

Without words, I reached into my backpack and retrieved an envelope and simply placed it in front of the man. Looking back, I don't understand why I trusted him to deliver his side of the deal. He was a complete stranger and therefore, I had no reason whatsoever to trust that he wouldn't just grab the envelope and run. And yet he didn't.

Instead, he opened the envelope and counted the money that was inside of it. Seconds passed, it felt more like hours, before he looked up. A slick smirk was plastered on his blotchy face and he let out a low chuckle, before saying "I really thought you were not legit, man."

I didn't respond. Instead I waited for him to continue. He took a lazy look around the café before leaning in closer and saying "The person you are looking for is dangerous, so if I were you, I would back off." He paused for a short moment before he continued, "Unless you have a death wish, boy."

Surpassing the urge to reach out and punch him cost me energy I did not have, but I needed to contain my rage in order to not raise any suspicion. Still, I leaned in closer, looked him deep into his eyes and let out the same words I have been repeating in my head for the last few days "I don't have time for this."

The anger in my voice must have been apparent because he reached into his jacket and retrieved a brown paper file and hesitantly placed it in front of me. "Don't say I didn't warn ya," he said as he got up from the table and made his way out into the cold of the day.

A wave of relief washed over me but with it came a newfound anxiety. Will I find what I need in this file? What if I do? However, questions wouldn't lead me anywhere. I had far too many of those already. What I needed were answers and so I took out a five dollar bill from my wallet, placed it on the table and chucked the rest of my cold coffee. For just a mere moment, I leaned back and wished my life would have played out differently.

Quickly praying to whoever was listening, I got up and made my way to the door. With the heavy weight of the folded piece of paper in my pocket and the new object of my attention in my hands, I suddenly dared to feel something I hadn't felt in a long time - hope. Hope that this file would help me find what I was looking for before it was too late.

I opened the door and welcomed the cool winter air that hit my face. The realisation that it was getting colder everyday worried me and I analyzed the area as I was walking up to my car.

There was an old couple walking down the street; a group of teenagers with blushy cheeks and paper cups in their hands; a father loading up the trunk of his car with suitcases, while his wife was gathering the children for a picture.

Caught up in my own sorrow, I started to get upset with these people. They were happy, while I was so miserable. And even if I did not know them, I began to envy them, for they will never have to go through anything remotely as painful. They didn't even know how lucky they were to be safe, healthy, to have their loved ones close to them.

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