Witches Burn at Dawn ✔

36. Mir

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"May I kiss you, Yara?"

"Yes."

Midbreath, I stop in the living room doorway. The gauze roll I've brought to bandage Nilam's arm slips from my hand, tumbling to the floor. I don't know if it's shock, or fear--or despair washing over me, but I feel like my heart turns to stone in my chest.

As I see my best friend kiss the girl I love. She said yes?

You're replaceable, Mir, Father's voice says in my head. And if they can replace you, they will.

I can't breathe.

Whirling in place, I storm off. I don't know where--somewhere, anywhere! Away from them two... It hurts.

Laverna bumps into me in the hall, murmuring something, but I brush her away and throw the door of the nearest empty room open, slamming it shut behind me. Silence settles in for a moment. The room is dark, and sheets cover all the furniture here, the drapes closed. When this apartment belonged to my mother's family, I guess, it was a guest room, but now it's just a place to stash a piano I have no idea how to play.

May I kiss you?

Yes.

Pressing my back against the wall, I sag to the floor. Numbness swells up inside me while I try to breathe, but my heart only hammers faster. So fast it seems it has taken up all the space in my chest, leaving nothing for the air. It hurts to breathe.

You're not good enough, Father's voice keeps reminding. You've never been good enough.

Yara chose Nilam.

I squeeze my eyes shut, sucking in the stale air of the room, choking on it. Of course, she did. How could I deceive myself with the idea that Yaroslava could look at me--could like me--if I hate myself? I hate my own reflection every time I look in a mirror and see those ugly scars on my back. I hate my past, I hate my lies, I hate my heart for feeling all this! And Nilam? He has no fears, no problems, no scars. I told him myself that Yaroslava meant nothing to me. Of course, he kissed her.

Fire Girl.

I can't...

Why can't I breathe? I wrap my arms around my knees, dropping my chin low against my chest, taking a breath, but it's not enough. There's not enough air! Don't cry, don't complain... I'm drowning again. A storm I can't weather. They say that's not normal when you lose control over your emotions, and all you want is to hide. To shrink and disappear among the sheets and neglected chairs and dust--

You act selfish, Mir. You don't need anyone.

Only now I realize I haven't felt this kind of panic since Yara was brought back to life. The panic that consumed me when I was a kid, when my father was around, when I never could live up to anyone's expectations, when I felt so lonely.

Next to her, I was never lonely.

Footsteps echo in the hall, and then the door to the room slowly groans open.

"Mir?" Adélard's voice pierces the dark. "Are you there? Did you find the bandage or--" I don't look up, but I hear him stop in front of me. "Are you hiding here?"

My pulse throbs in my temples, I can't answer. It hurts. Not good enough, not good enough...I can't breathe, I'm drowning.

"Are you having a panic attack?"

His words strike like a whip on my back. He's not wrong, is he? But I can't help it. "Ady, leave. Please." My heart keeps pounding against my ribs as though ready to quit. And it's even worse, because I feel my magic stirring hot in my veins, begging to destroy something--to destroy me if I don't let it out. Do it, destroy me. I have nothing to fight for anyway. I can control magic, I can lie and control what people think of me, but I can't control this.