Begin Again | on hold

thirty-six

Sunny and her heart are being pulled in too many directions. When she steps out of the library into the aching light of day, once she has persuaded Delilah that she's okay, she's alright, she'll figure this out, she doesn't know which road to take. She has to talk to Viv. She needs to talk to Astrid and Celeste. She wants to talk to Ravi. And – shit – she's got to talk to Fenfen too, otherwise Luke will get home and spill the beans before Sunny has had a chance to announce that she's moving.

For a moment that feels like an eternity, she is rooted to the spot. Too many decisions to make. Too many possibilities at war with each other, fighting for the slim sliver of her available attention. Her mind is only made up by the number 19 bus pulling up right next to her. That's as good a sign as any, she thinks, climbing aboard and dropping 70p into the tray and folding her ticket over her thumb as she drops onto the first empty seat.

Her brain is so busy, so weighed down by everything she has learnt in the last hour, that she doesn't even put her headphones on. She endures the ride home in silence with her Walkman in her bag, her thoughts chattering so loud that even blasting Britney Spears wouldn't drown them out. Except it isn't home. Not anymore. This little flat on this little street in this little town has been Sunny's sanctuary for almost five years, but it no longer feels like her safe space. It's just a space. Somewhere to exist.

Please be there, she thinks as she stumbles off the bus, lead weights in her feet as she approaches her flat. Her fingers are numb as she tries to jam the key in the lock, jimmying it around and smacking her shoulder against the wood until it gives.

This is not the conversation Sunny wants to be having. She would rather bury her head in the sand than sit Fenfen down and tell her that she's moving out, but she would much rather have this one than the one she needs to have with Viv. The one that, oh, god, she really, really doesn't want to have. How does she even begin that conversation? How does she break that news, news she has no right to know?

When Sunny's sure that her heart is about to beat itself right out of her chest, a combination of her nerves and all the stairs that lead to her flat, she makes it to her front door but she can't go inside. Not yet. She stands in the hallway outside and rests her forehead on the door and takes as deep a breath as she can manage, her lungs inflating until her throat hurts. As she lets it out, the door flies open and she falls into Fenfen's arms.

"Whoa!" Fenfen laughs and steadies Sunny. "What're you doing out there? I thought you were Luke."

"I understand your confusion, we do look very similar," Sunny says, rolling her shoulders in an attempt to shrug off the tightness in her chest.

"What's up?"

"We need to talk," she blurts out as she drags herself into the flat, shutting the door with her hip. As she looks around, she sees how tiny this place is. How dark. How claustrophobic. The windows are so small, the light so unnatural.

"Uh oh." Fenfen perches on a stool in the kitchen and folds her arms on the counter. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Sunny sits on the other stool and rests her elbows on the laminate worktop, sliding down until she is bent over it at a ninety degree angle and her cheek meets her wrist. With a laden sigh, she says, "Yeah." Her eyelids are heavy. She wants to close her eyes and sleep and she wishes she had heeded Celeste's advice. She wishes she had never gone digging, that she didn't have the weight of the truth clasped around her neck.

"Oh." Fenfen says. "Tenny, you know I love you, but we're not actually together. At least, I wasn't under the impression that we are, seeing as you have a long term girlfriend and I have ... whatever Luke is."

Sunny looks up at Fenfen, weak sunlight bouncing off her sleek hair, so black it almost looks blue in this light. She doesn't say anything in response to the joke. She doesn't have to. Fenfen puts two and two together and it's her turn to suck in a deep breath.