✨ Blind Critique 2024 ✨

Story number one

Hello writer number one, here is your feedback from Blind Critique.

I like this. I remember the name Garbus is one of Mike chaps. It's written really well. The spalling and grammar is clear with no obvious spelling or grammatical errors. The only thing I will point out is it's better to spell the numbers out in their word forms so one hundred and thirty-three. Another thing I am going to say is the name Omuskectus is something that maybe difficult to pronounce. Actually, I really like the name so I might borrow that one day.

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I like how we are introduced to the setting/time period almost immediately and I really like the description of the sword. The first sentence is very long and kind of takes me out of the story; it's a lot of details that don't mean a ton to me as a reader right from the get-go. I might recommend breaking up the first sentence a little so it's easier to read. Overall a good scene!

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I like the voice of this scene - it's quite humorous at times and brings to life the characters who populate it. There are some fun worldbuilding details and these are neatly slotted into the narrative. I think the descriptions are good, although there are some aspects which could be pared down to make the sentences have more impact and more flow. '...which the artist who did it had no grasp of' is a bit of a mouthful, as is 'that the high windows of the throne room let in'. These could be re-worded so the sentence doesn't get jumbled e.g. '...in the sunlight through the high windows' or '...some sort of animal whose artist had no grasp of' (not the best re-word I admit but gets rid of the clunky 'who did it'). No biggie, though, just a quick edit to get rid of some of the more jagged edges in some of the sentences.

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First paragraph is like a small info dump. This could be better integrated into the narrative, more naturally than outright stated like that. Especially for a first chapter first paragraph.

Still just as easy to read as it was to listen. I just think that the story should start with the awkward conversation between the king and Garbus. It's much more interesting than the setting setter.

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I really like your first paragraph. As a reader its got a good hook and nice narrative. Even the humor of 'lightbrown jackrabbit...ear' was really nice. It instantly made me want to continue reading.
I can tell you've built a world and want to show it along with building solid characteristics for your characters, but I feel like you need to work on bringing out their personality more. For example: lines of description like ' smiled over his entire face right up to his ears', could be worded differently to portray how giddy the king was.
I'll point out a few more phrases that, if you edit, will make your work shine through;
'fluffy cushions' this entirely takes the readers mind away from the genre of your work. This is obviously fantasy, not contemporary romance, so if you use perhaps 'Plush cushions' or just cushion, it would bring out a more regal, fantasy vibe.
I did not understand ' on whose forehead suddenly a deep chasm formed' but I'm sure that too, if made a bit more comprehensible would add well to your novel.
'blinking and shining' again, takes the readers mind away from your genre, if you used the words 'gleamed' it would match your genre well.
The description of the sword, I think is made to be humorous, but perhaps you could mention that it was going on in Garbus's thoughts? There's a few errors here and there, but with bit of line editing, you should be fine!

Apart from all this, I love the setting and how you've incorporated humor. Its quite different to usual first pages of the fantasy genre, and I'm all for books that are not cliche, so this is nice. I'm really sorry if I've made you upset with my comments, but these are totally normal to make and its all part of the learning curve. You're on the right track! ;D