✨ Blind Critique 2024 ✨

Story Number Eight

Hello Writer Number Eight, here is your feedback for Blind Critique.

Now this is an interesting start to a story. You've chosen one short sentence that is really strong. It's strong enough to make your reader pause for a moment and think about what it is you're trying to say. I know exactly who has written this and I would love it if this person would come and teach us how to create better opening scenes. Oh, and I think I've probably just given away who i am. Oh well

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Curious of why it's all in italics but i love this intro! I don't really have much else to comment on. I think it's a good build up of the lore.

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I really like this one, as a sci fi, space exploration lover. I like the distance of the narrative, telling it like a legend. There is a lot of interesting lore there that I'd like to know more about. The referral to the reader in the second-person is really good as it brings them in to the story as well. I'm guessing this is a short extract that then leads in to a more traditional narrative with POVs etc; it works really well as a prologue type snippet.

Usually, when ranks are used in stories, they are only capitalised when referring to an individual person e.g. 'Captain Kirk' and then if it's just a descriptor, 'the captain was at the bridge' etc. But I feel like, in this extract, this is more of a name than a descriptor so without knowing the rest of it, I'm not sure this rule applies.

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"Just a few times faster than light," is a very bold thing to say. I like that, and very intriguing right off the bat. Also, insane A.I living ships is really cool.

I will say, the opening as a quote, like we're in a history lesson is not as fun. If whoever this person is speaking to, maybe that isn't us the reader, why would they need to hear a historic story they already know? If the narration is talking to the reader, it just feels awkward.

Also, why the "Yes..."

Other than that, very cool concepts and I wish to hear more about Canaisis and The Captain. Just need to work out that narration. (Personal opinion. Others may like it. Take with salt.)

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Okay, this is so intriguing I really want to read more! I love how you've weaved the story. It's written so well and really piques the readers curiosity. 'She was a product of technology that could not be mastered' love this line.
Would love to read this! ;D

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Sounds like an interesting premise. Is this a blurb for a book? If it is then I would definitely want to know more it sounds like a story I've never read before. As I don't think it's the start of a book I will comment as I would a blurb.

The way it's written in 1st person about something else is a great way to do a blurb and really helps in pulling a reader in. You have some great word choices that really makes it feel futuristic but also old fashioned all at once. And the way you describe it is well done and I think it sets up how you are going to write in the book.

Only thing I would say is maybe change neighbourhood to neighbouring as it would follow nicer. But other than that it's well written and a good blurb.

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I think I know the author of this...
Well, one thing I must point out: I don't think you can "design something into something". You can design it to fit into something. Also: How does it work to "organically design" something? If it was designed, so made on purpose, it was not created organically, but made to meet specifications.
The introduction here is very interesting, and I would like to learn more about the backgrounds. How could AIs go insane? Or is that just the interpretation of the people that made them, because they couldn't live up to their own mistakes? (Creating an AI is always dangerous if it outsmarts its makers.) The story between Canaisis and the captain would be interesting as well, as this might be the only AI that values the human element that the captain provides, and that they would have a symbiotic relationship - in the sense of needing each other to survive.

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I have no idea what is going on here but I really like. This feels very much like a prologue or intro to the story (not a bad thing at all) and there was quite a bit of new terms to digest. I'm not sure about the ellipsis placements (two are so close together), but I felt the whole thing flowed really well. Great hook!

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I enjoyed the narrative style of writing. It was intriguing and pulled me into the world without being too heavy on the info-dumping. I was fully engrossed in what was being conveyed to me as the reader. However, you could reassess if this beginning is needed for your story. At times, it felt like there was more of a use of telling than showing. To improve, you could assess if what is being told in this opening scene is needed to begin the story or if the information can be introduced further down the line to answer questions that may be posed in future chapters.

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Well crafted with the right amount of detail - it feels like a prologue, setting the stage for a plot to be explored later. As expository background goes, this is excellent: consistent voice, appropriate detail and pacing (assuming the questions raised are later answered)

Were I forced, I'd pick on the use of multiple ellipses and an M-dash so close together, and the use of a conjunction (And) at the beginning of a sentence in an expository narrative (I'd have no issue in dialog).