Path To Redemption (Fighter's Den, #1)

Chapter 27 - Jaxon

"C'mon, Em. Pick up, pick up, pick up."

I'm talking to thin air but I'm that fucking desperate for someone to hear the remorse I'm feeling.

I messed up with Emily. I pushed her away even though I promised I wouldn't but my fucking blast from the past shadowed all logical thoughts at the time. I also wasn't used to having anyone to confide in. Telling Emily about what I saw was the last thing on my mind because my mind had gone on autopilot. I shut off. But then the pain passed the following morning when my mind finally caught up to me and I realized that I had Emily to get me through this. For once I didn't have to go through my bullshit alone and the concept was so foreign that it damn well took hours to hit. I'd woken up with the intent to pour my fucking heart out because with her there was no question that I would have her support to pull me through anything. Only when I turned over, arm stretched out to make a grab for her, the bed was empty. She was gone.

The reality of how much I'd hurt her, how I practically used her body as a getaway from my thoughts, crashed into me with smug righteousness. The inevitability that I'd fuck up beyond repair had shows its ugly face and my stomach had plummeted. The loss I felt in that moment practically swallowed me whole. I'd finally had someone that stood by me, and more importantly, that someone was Emily. I didn't think I'd be able to go back to living a life without her so I've been running left and right trying to fix my wrongs. I wasn't used to it; fixing what I fuck up for the sake of someone else. Up until her I never had anyone else to care for besides Lizzie and Sam. I was used to riding solo and I was used to my mistakes affecting only me. I realize then that all the mistakes I'd make would affect her and that's something I'd never stop working to avoid. There's no question that Emily is worth all the adjusting I've had to do in order to keep her in my life. I'm still learning. Clearly. I could give up but I had to fight for Emily. Always for Emily.

The line rings and goes unanswered for a pathetic amount of time before it goes to mailbox and her sweet voice washes over me. I'm instantly overcome with longing, having gone a few days without any contact from her.

"Hi, you've reached Emily. I'm sorry I can't take your call at this moment but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

That beep that's become achingly familiar to me trills in my ear and I want to punch something. Instead, I leave Emily probably the hundredth voicemail since she left that morning.

"Baby." I choke out. "You're killing me. Three fucking days, Em. Just please talk to me. I need to explain myself but you need to give me that chance. I know it's unfair for you to expect to put up with my selfish ass and I know you have every right to leave because I just can't seem to fucking learn to let others in. I may not get it right the first time or the second time or even the fiftieth time but I can swear I'll never stop trying, baby. I can't promise I won't fuck up anymore but I can promise that I'll always make it right if you let me because I l-"

The same fucking beep goes off and alerts me that my voicemail cut off and I curse under my breath, stunned into silence. I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that I was interrupted because I realize with frightening awareness that I almost told Emily I love her.

I'd denied it to myself for so long, always overthinking and pushing it to the back of my mind but when I wasn't so concentrated on my denial I nearly slipped up. And that's how I knew it was the complete fucking truth. I didn't let myself think or analyze or question. I just felt. And there it was. Front and centre. Sheer, all-consuming, frightening, but raw love. I love Emily.

Holy shit.

Why is it so fucking hard to breathe right now?

My chest is tightening in a combination of warmth and fear and I'm just about gasping for breath and thinking love might be the most exhilarating thing one could have the pleasure of feeling. It's also scary as fuck because it's outcome is unknown and you feel like one vulnerable motherfucker but maybe, just maybe, the thrill of experiencing it at all can overlook that.