He's with Her

Chapter 3

My father taught me how to do many things. We played chess until I was eight. One day he suddenly stopped with no reason as to why, just an angry "no" and a cold and distant attitude. He taught me how to shoot rifles and handguns until I was ten, then without warning, the trips to the range stopped. Whenever I asked if we'd go again, he'd give me a hard look and turn on his heels. 

When I was sixteen, my father taught me how to drive. He warned me that every pedestrian on the street was a threat, an individual who wanted to leap in front of my car to be killed in exchange for insurance money and other fraudulent claims. He taught me how to protect myself, how to know if I was being followed, how to read someone's body language. 

The one thing my father did not teach me was how to express my emotions. I'm unable to articulate exactly what I feel. It takes me hours on end to process what's happening beneath the surface, and even then, I don't have the courage, or words, to say it. 

That's not to say I don't understand my emotions. I know what I'm feeling perfectly fine. But those feelings are wrapped up tightly in a layer of shame, tucked neatly in my throat, unable to be said. Sometimes I'm talking to Nick and my mind is screaming my truth (I love you, I feel things I can't explain, I hate myself for this), but my voice is perfectly even, not a waiver of discomfort, not a hint of what I'm truly thinking. 

I watch from a distance as Nick gets on one knee. I snap a photo, per his request. I watch as Sam's eyes well up with tears and she jumps up and down in the way she does when she can't contain her excitement. They wrap their arms around each other and she showers his face with kisses and he lifts her up off her feet. I snap a photo of each of these moments. When they detangle, Nick points me out to Sam. Her face lights up even more and she waves me over. I smile and wave, making my way towards them. 

My unspoken words sit jammed in my throat. I feel myself start to cry, and Sam and Nick laugh, embracing me, thinking my tears are one of joy for them. And they are, in a way. I know it's hard to believe, but I couldn't be happier for them. 

Only when I'm tucked in their embrace do I let my smile fall, and for a moment, let my real feelings wash over me.