Melting the Ice

10; aporia

"aporia [a-po-ree-a]"

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(adjective) An untranslatable, Greek word, derivative from a-poros,"no way through," this term refers to the feeling you get in almost any situation where you are at a loss, unable to work through a problem, cross a place, or reach a person. Indeed, this rather despairing state of mind has been described in its extreme form as "being radically at a loss before the world we inhabit." Anyone trying to drive through an unfamiliar city will have this feeling. 

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When the next day comes, it comes with other obligations. Like, some more bills to pay. These ones are with high interests already. And a warning that I'll stay without the electricity if I don't pay the bill. 

Amazing. Just what I wanted. 

I realise I'll stay without water soon, too. I can't afford to pay those costs when I still have hospital bills to pay and my next salary is going for that first. And after that, I won't even have any left to pay for other costs.

Which reminds me that I'm in a terrible need of going grocery shopping. 

I leave the kitchen with a sigh because that enormous pile of the bills on the table is making me nauseous and sick. 

Miles shows up at my house about half an hour later of me worrying about life yet again. That's why I hate having any free time - because I have time to think. And thinking is not always good. At least in my case, it's almost never good. 

Miles and I go for a short coffee before he drives me to the Geneva Recreation Ice Skating, the ice hall where I'm skating at. 

"You know, I wanted to ask you something ..." Miles says. 

I'm taking a swig of my coffee, enjoying the hot liquid, already feeling better after I've had just a taste. "Will you go out on a date with me?" 

Fortunately, I've already swallowed coffee down, otherwise, I would've spat it all over the table. I snort and look at Miles. It's not unusual for him to ask me this. He's got his moments when he jokingly, I hope, asks me this once in a while. "You asked me this so many times, I'm starting to feel bad for saying no every time."

Miles shrugs. "Say yes then," he tells me. 

I give him a smile. "We hang out together a lot of times." He gives me a look. "Well, I hang out with you more than I do with any other person. On my free time," I add when he continues staring at me, his eyes narrowing. 

"But we've never been out on a date," he reasons, trying to make me see it from his perspective.

I shake my head. "Miles ..." I start. But then I don't know how to continue it. I don't want to hurt him or his feelings. I don't know if he's asking this as a joke or he's just trying to be friendly, but he knows how I am. I just don't date. Anyone. It requires too many emotions involved and I am not quite ready for that closure with another human being just yet. 

But then, I sometimes get really scared that there will never come the right time for me. I get scared that I will never be able to get close to someone to the point where I'll freely show them my emotions and open up to them and let them grow close to my heart.

It seems impossible to do so right now. It could maybe be that because I still haven't found the right one for me. But I fear that when I'll actually find someone who's right for me, I'll let them slip away.