Bad Company

Connections

"Colt," I sighed quietly, bracing my forehead against his broad shoulder. My eyes slid close as I hoped to just bask in the warmth of his words. They were heavy, most definitely, but there was something so comforting about knowing that I had someone who cared enough about me to give up everything. I would never ask him to do so, or anyone else for that matter, but the thought sent chills racing along my arms.

Colt pressed his lips against my forehead and mumbled, "It's pretty cold out here, sweetheart. Why don't we go inside and head back to bed? Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

His words piqued my interest, and I tilted my head far enough back so that I could meet his gaze with several questions burning brightly in my own eyes. All I could discern from our visual contact was a deep weariness nestled in the muddled pools of his eyes; he was exhausted, and I could feel it in the heavy weight of his arms on my shoulders.

"When was the last time you had a good night's sleep?" Worry was evident in my voice.

Colt offered an appreciative ghost of a smile before smoothing a finger over the crease between my eyebrows. His fingers were slightly chilled from the night air, but it seemed so inconsequential to the fire smoldering behind his expression. "I haven't slept well in years, sweetheart, but I'm used to it. You, on the other hand, should get some sleep. I promise I'll keep the nightmares out of the house for you."

"But what about yours?"

"Don't waste your worries on me; I've gotten along fine on my own for quite some time now," he calmly stated, swinging his gaze back up to the stars. Colt clearly didn't mean any offense, but I couldn't help but stiffen at the subtly defeated edge of his tone and the helplessness masked by his resigned expression.

I raised my free hand to his cheek and grazed my fingertips along the stubble shadowing his tanned skin, frowning to myself at his despondency. It was as if the thought of closing his eyes and actually allowing his brain to shut down for awhile physically hurt, or maybe it wasn't the idea of letting his defenses down that frightened him but rather the images that haunted him when he finally did. "You're still fighting that war, aren't you?"

He released a humorless chuckle before steeling his gaze. "I'm not fighting it in the sense you think I am."

"Then tell me."

Sharp eyes cut down to me where they settled on the small part between my lips. To my surprise, he didn't push back against my plea but instead heaped it all into one pile and dumped it on my lap. "I can't tell the difference between my nightmares and reality anymore because it seems like every damn time I try to get away from one I'm met with the other, and that is a mental prison worse than any hell I could have imagined because in one universe or another I'm losing someone I care for every time. In the real world, it's one of my club members, but in my dreams it's open season--it's my brother blowing up, my mom dying too soon, my friends having their brains splattered against the desert sand," my bottom lip dipped between my teeth and stayed there as I fought against pulling away from the wild gleam in Colt's eyes. He seemed so distant all of a sudden, and that terrified me. Physically, he was there, but his mind was long gone down a path I couldn't trace, "but the worst of all is watching you being torn from my arms and screaming for me every damned time."

Starlight pierced the veil of tears dimming his baby blue eyes, and my heart thudded irregularly in my chest. My fingers had long ago stopped their soothing trails over his jawline as I found myself in stunned disbelief at his confession. "Blue." It was a broken whisper, but he heard me nonetheless. The arm around my waist tightened subconsciously, and he closed his gaze off to me, allowing himself a moment to regain control over his emotions.

A flicker of pain shadowed his expression at some unwelcome thought, and I immediately concentrated on placing my warm palm against his cheek in comfort. Like a frightened child seeking a safe haven, he loosely gripped my wrist and held it steady as he turned to place unsteady kisses on my skin.

"I'm sorry," he frowned against my palm. Colt finally opened his eyes to me again, but the pain that awaited my searching gaze knocked the breath from my lungs and brought realization knocking at my door.

As a soldier, it had been engrained into his very being to fight against the enemy so as to gain control of the situation and handle it as necessary, but nightmares, as injurious and devastating as they were, were not physical manifestations. Colt couldn't put them in chokehold and knock them out; no, he had to sit under the crushing weight of their images and wait until his mind gave out and roused him back into consciousness. That in itself was a third hell for him--the constant cycles of hopelessness and fear.

"Despite what you think, I'm not going anywhere, Blue," I murmured finally, hating the bitter grimace that subconsciously twitched at his lips. It was so unlike him to behave that way, but, then again, he wasn't as stressed when I had first met him as he was then.

Colt freed one of his hands and ran it down the length of his face tiredly, sighing deeply as he did. "I don't want to talk about this right now."

"You can't pretend like it isn't happening because ignoring it is only going to make it worse," I argued softly, furrowing my brows. My hand fell from his grip to his chest, and I studied the conflicted look on his face. He wanted to talk about it, but he seemed almost...uncomfortable. I eased my eyes shut for a brief moment before opening them again and dropping the blanket from around my shoulders. "Look, I'm not going to push you on this tonight, but I definitely think you should talk about it. Just know I'm always here when you're ready to talk."

I lifted my chin and placed a careful kiss on the corner of his lips. My heart felt heavy in my chest as I abandoned the fractured shell of Colt on the back porch, his lack of communication overwhelming for three o'clock in the morning.

I sauntered back into the house and headed up to my room with sleep weighing heavily on my mind; I settled back into bed and allowed my consciousness to drift off to the lullaby of the cicadas.