Loretta of the Lamp - The Fallout

I am a link in the chain

There is a moment, when I'm dancing through the nether of my dreams, when I realise that I am awake.

I am coherent. I am me, I exist, and I know I am dreaming.

I'm at that moment now. Halfway between the curse of sleeping, and waking. My hands fly to my neck. I can feel the bruises of the choking, and I can barely swallow. I don't know if it's possible to break your throat, but I think that is what has happened.

I'm walking, fully in motion, which is of course what happens in dreams. When you suddenly realise you are in one, you're already mid-motion. Running from the psycho killer, falling over the cliff. Running up an escalator that is going the opposite direction, that is always one of my favourites, or walking naked onto a stage to speak in front of my class.

Luckily, I'm fully clothed. Well, I'm wearing a tunic. Who wears a tunic for God's sake? Like I'm in a Shakespearean play.

Then it all comes flooding back. The whole God forsaken lot of it.

But I'm walking, and I've almost reached Claudia's school. Kids are starting to come out of the gates because it's already after 3pm. I'm looking down at myself, wearing a dirty tunic that appears to be slightly bloody in the heart of Bermondsey, South London, I may as well be naked.

Claudia comes careening out of the school gates at ninety miles an hour and crashes into me, all body with arms like tentacles.

"You're awake!" she says.

"I am," I grin at her, ruffle her hair.

"Mum told me you would not wake. She told me you were gone, just like daddy."

That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, God it hurts.

"No baby girl, I'm okay, I'm here," I croak. My emotions and the brick of pain in my throat are making it bloody hard to speak.

"I know why daddy didn't wake," Claudia says suddenly, looping her fingers through mine as we turn in the direction of home.

I'm pretty sure everyone is staring, but Claudia doesn't even notice the state I'm in, she's too damn happy to see me and it's breaking my heart.

"I know too," I tell her. I can't explain it to her, but now I do know why. I know it was me, I killed him.

"I didn't love him enough."

We stop, because I stop. I stop and I get down on my knees and I look into her crazy clear blue eyes. "Who told you that?" the tears in my eyes are threatening to overflow. "You loved him enough." I'm crying because it's all my fault, and I can't make it better.

"But you are here, you came back."

"Who told you you didn't love him enough?" I'm going to beat the crap out of them.

"I know because I loved you enough. I loved you so much that you woke up."

She's so cute, so innocent, so convinced of herself. I want to tell her that loving someone doesn't change anything. Love can't raise the dead.

She adds, "I didn't even cry for dad."

"You were too little, I don't think you were old enough to understand what was happening." She needs to understand, and I'm speaking to her like she is an adult, which is madness.

But she shakes her head, "No. I knew you would wake. I shouted at mum every night when she told me I couldn't visit you.

"No no, don't do that, Claudia."

"—and every time she told me you wouldn't wake up."

The words cut like a knife.

Claudia jabs her finger in my face, getting emotional with her storytelling. More like the little sister I know. "She told me I'm just like you, that I'm mean to her just like you were."

My hand runs to cover my mouth. I'm shocked by her words but I know it's true. I don't know what to say, so I take her hand again and we continue to walk.

"I cried when I was asleep even, because I wanted you awake so much."

"I'm sorry."

"No, see, it worked. I wanted you back so much it finally worked."

I don't know what else to say so we just walk. I wish I could tell her everything in a way she would understand. But no one can understand this.

We walk across past the church yard where my father is buried. We turn down a side road, across the Tesco car park and then through the access road that runs along the back of the estate where we live. Where Claudia and my mother live.

Coming into the shadow of the tower block, the air cools. It's summer time and everything is so warm and bright, full of colour. But London is never warm in the shade.

We are at the door.

I stop. Claudia's hand rests on the handle, but she stops too, and looks up at me.

"I can't come in." I tell her.

She gives me the sideways look that only a child who believes someone is bullshitting them can.

"You know I can't."

"I need you." It's a plead.

"You are going to be just fine." She's lost me, she's lost our dad, but she's also lost the curse — it doesn't touch her. It never has.

And I hear someone calling my name.

"I'll stay." To hell with it. I promise her, wrapping my arms around her. I love her so much.

But I am a link in the chain.

She turns the handle, pushes the door open, "Mum will be happy to see you." She tells me this with innocent confidence.

But my mum is free of me, free of my dad, and free of the curse.

And I hear someone calling my name.