Isn't it pleasant to start of one day with the striking assault of a headache, indicating how the course of your day will do? Wonderful.
Then maybe you're bound to also experience how this occurs over and over again, living the same loop. And it's not just with the headaches in the morning either. It's an abundance of things reliving themselves time and time again.
Insomnia is one of them. Where I can't get myself to sleep, crying into that pillow. It's worn and faded. Stained with tears. Those are all mine, due to the inability to sleep. This contributes to that godforsaken headache, which lasts all day. All night. It's one big Catch 22.
The routines is one of them. Wake up in pain. Do your chores. Go to work, that mind numbing job where in the end they pull the care less if you didn't show up. Where customers make their demands; if there is an error, regardless if it's typically not your fault, you are assaulted with words and their anger. As if I didn't have enough anger of my own, thank you very much.
And that feeling is one of them. That feeling of nothing. And yet, that feeling of everything. The feeling in which I cannot describe to how it feels but can only express to you the situation for your interpretation. The feeling when you keeping hoping for the text back, from literally anyone, because you can't stand to be stuck in your own head, but no one ever responds until maybe 4 am where you get that single hour of sleep. Where you just want to talk and be okay for a while, even if it's not about how hurt you've been; talk about their problems with them, because at least you feel valued and that they trust you and care about you. But nothing. All there is, well, is that silence you fear the most.
The days repeat like this. Over and over. The loop doesn't end. And in that loop I've come to realize that the screaming mind and the sleepless nights are tolerable, livable. Yet, the silence isn't something I want to keep being subject to. I want to talk to you damnit. I want to have someone care, ask me how I've been, not me always having to seek you out and check on you. Not when you're probably fine, especially when you ignore the texts, ignore that I cared at all. And when you do text, it's short and sometimes sweet but always comes back to you. And I don't know how to stop it all.
Because I want to talk damnit. But I'm talking to a wall, a wall so focused on itself. Or maybe talking to the air at this point, since no one tends to listen here. And maybe I got a little off track with you, but at least you read this message. Does that mean you care? Or are you gonna leave me on read again? Doesn't really matter. I'm over thinking again. I know you don't and never will.
Because this cycle.... it doesn't end.
