The Vocal Local

On the Buses

Author's Note: From the prompt word 'team'  -
this reading second of three recorded by author on radio 5THE FM 107.7 on 7/11/2019

I'm still young - although surely not young enough to believe it's me a couple of old codgers sitting across and a little behind me are talking about when they say dolly bird. I take a sweeping glance, ostensibly out the far window of the bus, but encompassing their earnest faces looking towards me. I hide a smile as I realise it is indeed me they're talking about. At first.

"I don't know about all these young'uns. Never off their phones. What're they called in the Yew Ess of A?" and before his mate can answer, the bald one continues, "Cell phones! Good damn name if yer ask me. Like locking themselves inside of cells when they're talking on them."

"Ohh yes-s-s. That's surely the truth," and Spectacles-on-the-end-of-his-nose shakes his head. "Near forgotten how to have decent conversations, without thumbs on the pulse and eyes glued to some screen or other—"

"Man's going back to wot's it called? Knee-and-her something... wot's it called?"

Patiently, as though he hasn't been rudely interrupted, Spectacles answers, 'Neanderthal, old mate. That's the name—" but then he interrupts himself, a bemused expression crossing his face. "But why Neanderthal I wonder? I don't get that bit."

"Ha. Easy peasy. THAT's one I know. They're sittin' down all the time all crunched over, so there's the spine gone curvy; eyesight's gonna be cactus with all that screen squinting; and their 'earing's gonna be the same - they'll all be deaf as my old girl. It's from their great speakers that boom in yer belly." Baldy begins chortling loudly, as he splutters out, "... but best of all matey, they're gonna have these massive great thumbs. All overgrown like a champeen pumpkin... from overuse!"

Spectacles nods. "You know, back in the old days when we were a couple of whippersnappers, we ALL had time for each other. We were a team, you know? No PTSD back then. We'd make time for someone we could see needed a chat, or a shoulder to lean on—"

Baldy shows sudden enthusiasm. "I know. I know that Peedy stuff - it stands for Post Dramatic Stress Syndrome - or sumthin' like that."

With a sigh and roll of his eyes, Specs continues as if this was perfectly OK. "Yep. Everything was slower then. People cared. Ahh I dunno. It's all too hard."

Both sigh, deep in thought. A change of subject is needed, and Baldy rises to the occasion.

"They reckon the Reserve Bank'll do it, orright. 'Axe all 'er rates' - that's what the bloke said on the talkback show."

"Are you sure you heard right? I thought they said they were heading into the fastest growth spurt they'd seen this year. It's got to do with all the Christmas spending, they reckon."

"Oh yair, and 'ow much do they reckon - huh? Few millions, I'd be guessing."

"Millions me old lad? You must be joking. They say it's expected to be $50 BILLION!"

"W-O-T? BILLION did yer say? In the middle of all the 'ard times the ordinary blokes reckon they're having? HUH? I don't unnerstand any of that, at all."

Spectacles is holding his mouth tightly but his middle region is shaking - almost uncontrollably. "And I'll tell you another thing you don't understand, old matey... it's NOT axe all 'er rates the Reserve Bank is doing. It's planning to ACCELERATE it's growth rate!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And you wonder why I love bussing it to work each day!?