Sorry for writing this, I know not everyone likes hearing about other people's problems, but I just need to get this off my chest.
Where do I start... I'm tired, I guess..
I don't like telling people about my issues, like full on, because I always end up sounding bad. Like, ungrateful, annoying, dramatic, clingy, hypocritical... I don't like telling people about anything in my past either.. But at the same time, I have a big mouth and I tell people things about myself that I wish I hadn't. Like how screwed up my mindset is, my unhealthy habits, my flaws.
I just want somebody to know, so they might understand me better.
I struggle with... Several mental disorders.
Social anxiety, Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Anorexia, ADHD
They make my world so... chaotic. It's so hard to keep up, to keep taking care of people, to keep things hidden.
For so long, I had picked and picked and picked at my skin. I was always at the nurse's office. She didn't care that I was hurting myself though. She kinda hated me.. I don't think she understood what I was going through though so that's okay. Either way, Things are different now. I scratch. I scratch at my arms, without even realizing it. It doesn't scar, and they heal quickly, but they still sting. I guess it keeps me grounded though. As long as I'm not putting my life at risk, I'm fine.
I don't trust a lot of people. As a kid, I really only trusted my mom, my dad, and my best friend. I had a few friends, but they came and went, and most ended up hating me. I don't even know why. I don't know what I did wrong. I never do. And for some reason, people don't bother to tell me what is is. I just want everything to be okay, for them to be happy. I don't want to hurt them. I want to fix the problems and make them smile. I try to be positive, but it's so draining. I do my best to smile, to be there for people, to laugh at their jokes..
I laugh a lot. It's a coping mechanism I guess. Laughter brings happiness, and happiness brings positivity. I'll laugh randomly, for no reason, whether I'm in public or not. It makes me feel better, and it makes it easier to keep my problems hidden from my friends.
I know they say that bottling it up isn't healthy but it's the only thing I can do. My dad just says I have to toughen up, my mom blames herself, my friends just distance themselves even more. If I let things out, I'll just hurt someone and I'll be alone again and I don't want to be alone ever again. Things grow so dark and I feel so useless, weak, and unable to fix anything. I try to strike up conversations with my friends, but I don't always get heard nowadays. Isolation is breaking me more and more, every single God damn fucking day and I can't do anything about it because nobody bothers to talk to me or call me. I'm sorry you guys I'm trying so hard to be happy, to stay strong, to not be bothersome, and I know I've stopped caring for myself a few times and I really only complain but I'm so scared and I just want things to be normal again. I just want to goof around with you guys, to talk with y'all face to face. Because Everytime I'm alone, I get the bad thoughts and the monsters come out and I don't have a way of stopping them. No distractions.
One of my teachers once said I needed therapy. Yeah, no shit. I'm aware that I'm not in a healthy mental state and the constant anger, helplessness, and bitterness I feel probably aren't normal but at this point, I don't even trust the therapists. Everytime I get one, it's all about the money, and nothing else. They don't make any effort, and when they do it barely helps. It's like they don't even care. I actually want to be a therapist though. I'm good at helping people, even if it's just a little bit, and I don't give up on them. I could care less about the money, though I know that's not a sound business practice. I just don't want people to go through what I'm going through. I want them to know that someone cares, and that someone is willing to listen and help.. because I never got someone like that myself. And I'm fine with that. You can't always win. I'm working to fix up myself, no matter how hard it can be, so people don't have to worry anymore.
Jeez, I just jumped from topic to topic, didn't I. Please don't pity me. I hate when people pity me. It makes me feel weak. And friends, if you're reading this, know that I'm sorry, I'm gonna be okay and I'm gonna keep going. Don't do anything out of pity for me, and just treat me like usual. Just.. Maybe text me, or call me a bit more often, if you guys don't hate me. Especially if you never do in the first place. And if I don't respond, but it's clear that I've seen the message, or something.. Idk how this stuff works.. just call me out. Pull me into the conversation if you must. My anxiety likes to control me, and I can't do much if you guys don't do anything either. This kind of battle isn't one that can be fought alone.
I don't want to lose you guys.. my friends, I mean. I've lost too many friends before, and I would never be able to find anything better than y'all. You guys are one of my reasons to keep living.
We start highschool next year, and we won't have the same lunch periods anymore. Even if I don't ever get to see any of you, don't think that I no longer care about you, or that I've forgotten you. My memory is shit, I know that, but you guys would be harder to forget than even my most embarrassing memories. I love you guys so much, and even if some of you, most of you don't not see this, maybe the ones that did could let the you know. Because I don't want any of you guys to feel left out. I never do.
Again, I love you guys.. Bye for now
