Emotions [Dazai x Reader] ✓

15 | Life's aspiration for death

I did not receive verbal satisfaction about the issue which I'd addressed and yet not been granted any details regarding his own misery. But he was quick to have the tables turned and make my own breaking points priority over all priorities between us.

It's not that he was bad at it or anything, but the way he comforted me showed me he had not had much experience of consoling people - but that's not important because he did calm me down after my outburst of tears, enough to have my head pace at its normal rate.

I would've preferred him to be there with me too, but someone ought to do the job which Mori had assigned me to do, and Dazai took the work in his own hands, entrusting me to stay with Oda in his own office until all duties were done for the day; he promised to collect me after he finished the job, urging that he should accompany me home at the end of the day. So I stayed with Oda for the rest of the afternoon.

Though they were friends, there was a hint of hostile sentiment residing in Oda as I had been brought in, and at first, I believed this to be aimed towards me; "This is my office - a workplace - not a daycare nursery." was what I thought he was thinking about. But my doubts were soon cleared when I watched as Dazai avoided looking at the older male, ensuring me that whatever conflict had happened between them had not involved me.

I drank Oda's usual tea offering through pursed lips, and he glanced up from his notepad occasionally as a way of reassuring both himself and me that I would not break into another discharge of tears. There were a series of concerns I held in my head, but as my thoughts had cleared I stacked these with a further thirst for knowledge on the unexpected antipathy between the two - in my defence I was not being just nosy because I was conscious and collected enough to have realised the silent confrontation wounded Dazai also.

'Oda,' I addressed, immediately making him look back at me. 'There's something wrong between the two of you, I can tell...' He stole a glimpse back at the pen in his hand - a sign he did not want to talk about it - so I addressed the issue no further. I chose to confess about my honest concerns for Dazai instead.

He let out a sigh and set his pen to rest beside the notepad he had been intrigued in writing on. 'The last time we talked: what did I warn you about?'

'I shouldn't aim anything further than what I had with Dazai,' I recollected, scowling as I delivered the words which had carved themselves to me like a knife to the back. 'That he wasn't the one and it would only hurt me.' I set my tea down, getting worked up without the need for his words to be the catalyst of such behaviour. 'But you're aware all relationships bring pain along too! Yeah, life may be beautiful, but we've still got to accept death as part of it -'

'Settle, [Y/N], sit down. I won't oppose you any longer.'

It was only after his observation I realised I had stood up with my revolt, and I returned to my seat baffled. 'You won't? Why all of a sudden?'

He shook his head. 'Things have changed since I talked to you. But take this as advice from your senior: if there's a wound on his skin don't tend to it; focus on your own before they become infected.'

I blinked at his instruction; I'm sure you like reading, Oda - I've seen you with plenty of books - but I haven't picked up any poetry in a while to dig into symbolism or imagery. He seemed to notice but did not provide any further explanation. I wasn't foolish enough to think he was referring to literal physical wounds, but that only made me more unsettled; did he want me to watch Dazai suffer and not do anything? - possibly correct about his suicidal tendencies, which I chose to temporarily take in a lighter form, that could eventually become his own downfall?

'I don't understand what you're saying. But whatever it is - no offence - I disagree.'

It was at that moment that I wished the door would open or a knocking heard to interrupt any further conversation between Oda and me so that no further disagreement would take place; my wish was not granted but neither I nor Oda spoke either.