EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

May

Subject: Loyola University Maryland Campus Re-Opening

Dear Hounds,
We are delighted to welcome you back to campus this fall!

Paul was supposed to be excited about this announcement but he glossed over the rest of the paragraph and closed the laptop. A year ago, he was fantasizing about all the girls and all the parties. This whole thing will be over by July, everyone said. How fucking wrong they all were.

/

Adrienne drank her margarita from the tiny black straw used for stirring. When the waiter wasn't looking, she poured some of her drink into Paul's empty water glass.

"A small congratulatory drink," she said. She held up her glass to toast. "Congratulations on finishing your finals. You're free!"

Paul muttered a thank you and they clinked glasses. As Paul took a drink, Adrienne said, "You'll love it. It's full of sugar."

He rolled his eyes. "It's too sweet, actually."

She could tell he wasn't in a good mood. "What's up with you?"

He shrugged. He would never say "It's nothing" like she would. He just wouldn't respond. The restaurant had poor acoustics which made everyone speak very loudly to one another and in turn, people had to speak loudly to talk over the loud talking. The noise of that plus the noise of tortilla chips crushed between Paul's teeth was all that filled the space of their little booth.

"Thank you," Adrienne said as the waiter returned with a sharing plate of fajitas and a side of rice and beans.

Paul said nothing and reached for one of the tortillas.

"Okay," Adrienne surrenders. "Are you gonna talk or not?"

He plopped the tortilla onto his plate. "Sorry, I was just thinking about something," he said.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Sophomore year."

Adrienne pinched the edge of a tortilla. It was still hot. She dragged it to her plate while Paul forked some shredded beef onto his tortilla and then some onto hers.

"Are they letting students go back to campus?" she asked. She found herself wanting him to say yes. When he nodded his head, she smiled. "That's great," she said.

"Is it?" He furrowed his brow.

She took a bite of her fajita and said with her mouth full, "Of course."

"Let's talk about something else." He bit into his fajita like a lion tearing apart a zebra.

They were good at changing subjects, not lingering too long on something that bothered one of them. They never got into a real fight. Paul sometimes felt like Adrienne babied him by backing down before an argument started. Then she'd say something totally random and off-subject to get Paul to laugh, like now as she put on a David Attenborough accent and narrated Paul eating.

/

After dinner they went for a walk around Adrienne's complex. There was a young family two doors down from her with two young girls. Sometimes she loved seeing the girls play outside with their mother or father, sometimes she hated it.

"I'm thinking of transferring schools."

Adrienne snapped her head to look at Paul. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Somewhere closer."

"You're not serious."

"I am," he said. "UCONN has a Stamford branch."

She stopped walking and let go of his hand. "You're not serious."

He searched her eyes. "I don't want to do long-distance."

Long-distance? Adrienne hadn't even considered that. She hadn't even really considered them as a couple. In her mind, it was going to inevitably end once the world returned to normal.

"I know you're thinking 'Paul needs a true college experience, blah, blah'", Paul said. "I get it but I can do that closer to home."

"Let's go back to mine and talk about it." Adrienne started walking again. She touched her stomach, suddenly feeling extremely sick.

Paul followed behind her. As she fumbled to get her key in the lock, Paul said, "I want to be with you, Adrienne. I want to stay here and be with you."

She pushed the door open and sprinted up the stairs to the main floor. "Give me a sec!" she shouted on the way. She ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

Paul could hear the faucet turn on. She was probably drowning out an unpleasant noise, he thought.

He sat on the couch for a long time, just waiting, watching the bathroom door. Adrienne's reaction terrified him. His eyes were filled with tears. He inhaled a sob and then all of the sudden he was in full hysterics. He was hyperventilating so loudly that he didn't even hear Adrienne until she was right beside him.

"What's wrong?" she said. She hugged him and let him cry into her shoulder. "What's wrong, baby?"

"Don't," he said, "call me that."

She kissed his eyelid. "I'm sorry." She reached for a tissue. "Here."

He took it and blew his nose.

"Paul..."

He knew then that it was over.

"This was never going to work long-term."

He couldn't look her in the eye. His chest felt tight and twisted.

"You will resent me," she continued. "Our parents don't even know about us. Our friends don't even know about us."

"My friends know about you."

She seemed surprised to hear that. "Well, it's not like I've met them though."

They were both quiet, staring down at the couch. Paul was aware that snot was running down his lip but he didn't wipe it away.

"You don't even want to try?" he asked.

"You're talking about completely changing schools. You just did a year at Loyola." She threw her arm out, gesturing as if Loyola was the Home Goods artwork framed on the wall.

"Would you try even if it was long-distance?"

When she didn't answer, Paul muttered, "Fuck you," under his breath and stood up. She didn't stop him from leaving.

When the door closed behind him, she couldn't even produce a single tear.

"What's wrong with me?" she wondered aloud.

She exhaled as if she was releasing a tense muscle that had been jacked up for months. It felt good for a minute or two, but then she noticed how quiet it was. She looked around her apartment and felt a shudder of unease at how large it was. She reached for her phone.

"What?" he answered. She could hear the vroom of his car engine.

"I'm sorry. I love you. Please come back."

"Are you in love with me?"

She said it so softy, it was hardly a noise at all. "No."

He hung up on her. She spent the night curled in a ball on the couch, staring at the black mirror of the television. She was never in love with him and she hated herself for it. 

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**Photo by https://unsplash.com/@junvutruong