Chalk & Chainmail

Chapter 10

Watching Dean walk away for the second time in his life left a throbbing hurt deep inside Castiel. He felt Balthazar's hand on his shoulder, but he ignored it, couldn't bear the questioning look he knew he'd find skirting Balthazar's face. He hugged his books to his chest and walked away from everyone, didn't even turn back when Balthazar called out after him. He needed to get away, to be alone. To forget. 

He headed to his first class early and slumped into his chair, grateful none of his peers were overly eager to get to class before they absolutely had to, leaving him alone in the classroom. Staring at his hands, Castiel replayed over and over again Dean's final words. "I don't want you." And why would he want Castiel? It was just like his father had said, "No one wants you for anything other than what you can offer them, Castiel. Make sure you have something to offer. Your mother would have wanted you to have something to offer." He couldn't offer Dean anything. Dean was happy and perfect and wonderful while Castiel was tired and sad and scared. What use was he to Dean if not to tutor him? None. 

Castiel rested his head on the flat, cool surface of his desk, focusing minutely on his breathing. It's better this way, he told himself. Dean doesn't want you. You can't have him anyway. It's better this way. And Castiel hoped that if he said it enough, he'd start to believe it.

*

The way Dean avoided Castiel at school hurt. The office attendant let Castiel know he was no longer needed for tutoring, and it seemed Dean was planning his locker visits opposite of when Castiel would be around. In biology, the one class they shared, Dean acted as if Cas was non-existent. Castiel knew he deserved it, it's what he'd been doing to Dean for the past six years, but it still made his gut twist uncomfortably and he wished Dean would just look at him. Just once so he could offer an 'I'm sorry' with his eyes and move on.  But, Dean was stubborn if he was anything, and looking at Castiel for an apology did not seem to be in his repertoire.

*

As the weeks went on and Castiel repeatedly told himself he doesn't want you, it's better this way, he began to adjust to the resigned feeling that filled him and took over most everything else. Things were starting to feel somewhat normal again; that is to say, they began to feel as they did before Dean had wormed his way back into Castiel's life, and Castiel threw himself back into his studies allowing himself to focus on only one thing: Oxford.

While Dean avoided Cas, Castiel avoided most everyone else. He didn't want to talk about what went down with Dean. Talking about it required thinking about it, and Castiel was doing well at not thinking about it. So, when Castiel saw Balthazar waiting for him at his locker, he tried to divert himself, but Balthazar hurried after him, grabbing on to the strap of his messenger bag and not waiting for Castiel to turn around before he spoke.

"Why are you doing this, Cassie? Why are you avoiding me? I'm not the one you had a showdown with in front of the entire school. It's me, your friend, Balthazar, remember? I'm on your side."

Castiel sighed and slowly turned to face Balthazar. He was right after all. "There aren't sides to be on Balthazar; it's done." 

"Is it?" Balthazar asked, studying Castiel's face intently. Castiel nodded. "I talked to him, you know," Balthazar informed him then, "I told him I thought he was a wanker for doing what he did. He asked about you." 

Castiel looked up at Balthazar then, butterflies coming alive in his stomach, "He did?" he asked. 

Balthazar nodded, "He asked if you were doing okay." Balthazar paused, looking at Castiel, studying his features before continuing, "Are you doing okay?"