What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

22. Process

Friday 5.30pm

Shit... Shit... Fuck!! That can't be real. Three tests in a row and still the same result. It is freaking real. I feel sick to my stomach and collapse on the floor of my bathroom, still holding that stupid stick.

I try to focus my thoughts, but I'm also all over the place. I can't do this! I can't!!

I'm in shock and only now realising that tears are pouring down my cheeks, my nose is running and my throat is tight.

I don't know how to react. I'm definitely not excited at the thought as my first reaction was 'Shit'. But do I feel this way because I don't want this kid? Or because I don't feel like putting this on him? It's not fair.

My ringtone makes me jump and when I check my phone, it's him. Talk about timing. I try to compose myself to take the call but I feel that if I do, I might just crumble and he will worry. The ringing stops as I still stare at it. One missed call. I don't want him to worry so I message him. I can barely see what I'm typing it's all blurry from my tear filled eyes.

[Hey babe. Sorry I am busy right now. I'll call you in a bit. 🖤

[🙂

He has no clue. What am I gonna do?

First I need to process. I spent the last few days knowing something was off and unconsciously preparing myself for this outcome but shit! I'm not prepared. I'm so not prepared.

Being a mum was both the most wonderful and the most devastating thing I have ever experienced. What if something happens to this kid too. What if I'm cursed? What if I'm not supposed to be a mum?

Aaarrghhh. I hate this.

We've never really spoken about kids. I don't even know if I want more. Somehow, deep inside I feel that I don't deserve another child. That I failed my first one. I know. I know it's not my fault and it was an accident but there's no worst feeling for a mother than losing her child. I openly blame Antoine for this tragedy but I also blame myself for thinking I could rely on him. I should have known better.

We sometimes see kids on walks and I see him smile at them, but he never mentions anything about being a dad. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want any or if it's just because he doesn't want to pressure me in thinking about having kids seeing that I still grieve Travis. Knowing how thoughtful he is, I wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter.

We've been together over a year now and we still have our respective places. I just don't think we're there yet. The thought of bringing a kid into our relationship means much more than a simple addition to our equation. I assume this would probably mean living together, commit to each other. Yes, we are committed, but a child means being in each other's life forever, and I am petrified to scare him, to pressure him. I always have been.

Maybe I worry for no reason... Maybe he will have all the answers. What's mine though. He will probably ask me what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do.

On one hand I love him so much, having his child would be wonderful. I can see the three of us in my head... happy...

On another, I still feel unworthy of having another chance at motherhood. I'm probably what... eight, nine weeks pregnant? Anything can happen in the first trimester. It could not happen after all.

I'm not getting closer to making a decision and I really need him to be with me right now. I need a hug. I should call him. I know I should tell him but I'm freaking scared.

This could change everything... this WILL change everything and I don't want to lose him.

No... I'm telling him. I'm having that kid.

Maybe adoption?

Maybe I just need to stop fucking thinking of 'maybes' and just talk to him. I sigh deeply hoping this will help me relax. I should do some yoga or something... I wouldn't know where to start.

All my thoughts are out now... do I have answers? No! But I think I can't go any further without him telling me how he feels so... yeah... I'm gonna do this.

My hands are shaking as I pick up my phone and call him.

"Hey babe." I try to control my shaky voice.

"Hey. Are you finished?"

"Yeah, I was just wrapping up some stuff."

"I thought you were finishing early today."

"Something came up." Yeah, that's an understatement.

"Is everything okay?" Oh my god what do I say? I feel the tears coming.

"Yeah! Just super tired." I do feel exhausted by how the week went and by my nervousness since the result. My whole body feels so tense.

"Do you want me to come over instead of you coming?"

"Yes. If you don't mind." I don't think I could drive right now.

"I can grab a pizza on the way."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine."

"Okay I will see you in a little while then."

"Bye."

I drop my phone on the sofa and go to the bathroom to throw all the tests and boxes in the bin then I stare at myself in the mirror. I look awful with my puffy eyes. A shower might help.

After getting undressed, I soak under the hot water dropping from the shower head. Looking at my wet lower abdomen, I place my hand over it, stroking it with my thumb, and feel tears coming again.

I'm sure I'm crying so much because I'm tired... oh and probably hormones too. I hate that part: not being able to control my emotions.

Out of the shower, I dry my hair, dry myself, take care of my skin and walk to the bedroom where I get dressed in my night shorts and one of his oversized hoodie. It smells of him. He left it last time he came. He always does that. Comes with a hoodie and jacket, and leaves with the jacket. It's as if he was leaving me little presents. He's so sweet.

I sit on the couch staring at my phone. What time is it on the East coast?

"Hello! Annyeonghaseyo!!!" That greeting makes me chuckle

"You make me laugh. Do you actually answer people who are not me in Korean?"

"I don't realise I'm doing it I swear! Haha! How's my favourite person in the world?"

"Awful."

"Oh no! What's going on?"

"I'm pregnant." I cry again. This is getting on my nerves, I swear. I sob and she can hear it.

"That's a good thing so stop crying."

"Is it?"

"Of course! You guys have been together for over a year now. You're both grown ups with your shit together."

"I don't know."

"What do you mean? Do you not want more kids?"

"I don't know."

"Sorry to be so abrupt but do you question yourself at being a good mum? Because if Travis was here, you know exactly what he would say! This kid had the best childhood anyone can wish for considering his bum of a dad."

"I know but still. And I don't know if HE wants kids."

"Just ask him."

"What if he says he doesn't want them?"

"Then you can see what your options are. Listen, you know what you need to do. If you called to get support, you've got it Mama! 100% with you all the way, always."

I hear the key in the door.

"He's here."

"Okay. Love you! Fighting!!" I chuckle at her enthusiasm, wiping my cheeks.

"Love you too. Bye!"

I put my phone on the table and stand up, seeing him in the doorway, smiling, with pizza in his hands.