𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐥𝐞𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐜𝐤

08

there's a certain satisfaction,

a feeling of pride,

when i walk into a room and notice i'm the skinniest one in it.

there's a feeling of accomplishment,

that sudden boost of ego,

knowing that i weigh the least from every single body in my perimeter—

and so i maintain that image,

by guaranteeing that i too, must also eat the least from every being in my perimeter.

it's an obsession, really.

body image is sacred.
it develops to be a compulsive ritual to compare your body with everyone around you—
it was a sick game of mentality.

a surge of pride fills your stomach when you win the unspoken trial between one body and yours,

and then there's this repulsive feeling of envy, shame, and disgust when you lose the silent competition between you and your fellow opponent-

when their body ranks much lower than yours.

yet no matter how effervescent from the silent victory,
it was only temporary-
as we always return to the everlasting cycle of self-restriction and hatred-

since there was always someone,
just someone,
who was skinnier than we were.

it's an unspoken trait between us gameplayers—

but we like to compete.

and we like to win.

Park Jimin,
he destroyed my pride.

i've heard of him before, a few years back.

an idol of a boy group,

who one day resigned too soon, too sudden, once diagnosed with a severe illness-

an illness which gained him the start of a fresh, new beginning in a rehabilitation center abroad- specializing in helping his kind people for recovery.

it has been two years since then-

but til this day,
the group still remained one member less.

i never once took regard of it, up until recently.

he's drastically caught my attention.

his body—
it's what i wanted.

it was skinny.
it was perfect.

rage and jealousy at sight of every one of his photoshoots.

there was no reason to send him to such a harsh institute.

he had the body that all of us dreamed of.

all he did was achieve it.

isn't it cruel to forbid someone from converting their dreams to reality?

i needed to be him.

i needed to be skinny.

i needed his number.

i needed to win.