The Curse Of The Heterosexual

It was a short flight from Toronto to New York City. Laguardia was humming with all kinds of cabs waiting outside. Alan Milman and Debbie Landis were together to attend the International Radio Creative Awards.

They both worked for Eastward One Productions in Toronto and their radio series ''Behind the Scenes'' had been recognized for being an outstanding production. They had been nominated for a ''Rad'' which was the radio equivalent of the Emmy.

Eastward had picked up all their costs for their trip and had booked them into the Four Seasons Hotel New York Downtown. The hotel which was located in Tribeca was absolutely gorgeous. It was also where the Rad awards ceremony was being held.

The cab ride, like every cab ride from Laguardia was an adventure. The driver Nikko was very interested in discussing how he had bounced back from a serious bout of Covid-19. Nikko's discussion about how the Delta variant was spreading around New York City like wildfire was not instilling confidence. He ended his speech by saying he hadn't heard of anybody dying recently from the variant, but if other variants showed up, who knew what would happen. They left the cab feeling queasy.

The hotel was magnificent and they settled into their rooms. The plan was to go for a walk but they decided to take an hour to relax. Alan headed to the lap pool which was surrounded by floor to ceiling windows. After the flight and the cab ride, swimming was invigorating.

Alan went back to the room, showered and headed for the lobby. Debbie was waiting for him. They received some solid instructions from the Front desk and started walking around the trendy streets of Tribeca.

They walked to the Memorial Plaza where they explored the two waterfalls and the reflecting pool. They strolled over to One World Trade Center. They kept discovering new shops until they ended up at the Mystery Bookshop on Warren Street. Alan couldn't believe his luck when he found a first edition Ellery Queen. It was expensive but it was a book that he would treasure.

After a stop at Pier 26 on the Hudson river for an ice cream they headed back to the hotel. It had been a two hour excursion and both Alan and Debbie were in great moods. ''You know Debbie, I knew that Behind the Scenes was an excellent series but I never expected it to be nominated for a Rad. It is so wild to be here in New York on the company's ticket. It's kind of like a dream.'' Debbie licked her butter pecan cone. ''I'm excited to start work on season two. We put lot of hours into Behind and we dealt with a lot of rejection. I give you credit for perseverance.'' Alan laughed. ''Wrong, you were the one who never gave up. I think we make a formidable team.''

They agreed to meet before the pre-awards party and enter together. Alan looked out from his window. It was impressive. He was on the fifteenth floor and the view was amazing. He loved the feeling of luxury that the hotel gave off.

Alan showered, got ready and relaxed before heading down to the lobby at six o'clock. The Awards were being presented at seven thirty in the Fifty7 East Ballroom. A cocktail reception was being held in ''The Garden'' for the nominees.

Debbie looked wonderful. She was wearing a short black spaghetti dress. They went to the Garden and grabbed glasses of white wine and started shmoozing with other guests. At seven fifteen a young woman invited them to go to the Ballroom. Outside the door were little place cards with names and table numbers. Debbie and Alan were at table number seven.

The table was full. There were eight other people sitting at the table. Alan and Debbie sat beside each other and a woman from a PBS station sat down. There wasn't a lot of room for maneuvering and Alan's knee accidentally bumped into Debbie's leg. She looked at him with surprise. ''Okay, I need to set the record straight. I am a married woman, I am not going to have a relationship with you. I will not compromise my marriage or my work place.'' Alan was dumbfounded. ''I spoke to some women at Eastward and they told me you were a player. I kind of knew that based on the different women you date, but I'm not going to be a notch in your belt. I know that the walk this afternoon was your way of trying to romance me. I wouldn't fall for it earlier, and I'm not going to lower my defenses now. So, Alan I hope we win but let's keep this professional. I'd hate to have to report you to HR.''

Alan's head was spinning. He wanted to respond but they started announcing categories and winners. A waitress came over and put mushroom soup in front of them. When there was a lull, Alan tried to explain to Debbie that he had absolutely no interest in her in a romantic way. He respected the sanctity of marriage and they worked well together and he would never jeopardize that. He had hit her leg with his knee completely by accident. He apologized again.

Debbie looked at him and gave a weird smile. ''I know you were interested till I cut you down. We are here for a good time so I'm not going to discuss it anymore, but I know you're a flaming heterosexual, and your standards are not very high.''

Alan thought about her comment for most of the night. Since when was it a crime to be a ''Flaming'' heterosexual. When their category ''Best Informational Docuseries'' was finally announced, he was so deep in thought he almost missed it. The competition was stiff and they lost. They were beaten by a series called ''The Least Likely Criminals.'' It looked at serious crimes committed by people that you would never suspect.

The night moved along and at ten o'clock it was over. There was drinking, partying and networking and Alan ended up meeting a woman named Terri who worked for a radio station in Austin, Texas. They shared contact information and promised to keep in touch.

The next morning, Alan and Debbie had breakfast together at the Garden, the same place they had enjoyed cocktails the night before. As soon as they were done, they would check out and head back to the airport for their noon flight home.

Debbie was enjoying lemon ricotta pancakes when she took a sip of blueberry tea, ''I've been thinking about it, and I'm not going to mention to my husband or anybody that you tried to put the moves on me. I'm not going to tell them you hung out with another woman last night to try and act innocent in regards to your intentions towards me. I know we'll always have that moment at the table but that will stay between us. I want to continue our professional relationship, I'm just hoping you understand that there can never be any kind of romance between us.'' All Alan could think about was that his co-worker was completely delusional, he had less than zero interest in ever hooking up with her.

Alan remained quiet, and when breakfast was over they both went to the front desk and checked out. Alan gave the corporate credit card to pay for everything. A cab was signaled for them and in minutes they were on the way to Laguardia.

On the flight to Toronto, Debbie once more brought up the subject of her obsession, thinking Alan was trying to initiate some kind of wild romantic scene with her. ''So, just to make it clear, I want to stay friends, but you know that's it. I want you to acknowledge that we will maintain a professional relationship because you didn't say anything over breakfast.'' Alan slowly twisted his head ''I promise, you never have to worry about any personal relationship between us, because it will never happen.''

Debbie responded ''We'll have a personal relationship not a romantic one, I hope you understand the difference.'' Her insistent talking about a non-existent situation was starting to nauseate him. He tried to filter her out and either nodded or shook his head when she made any kind of statement. It was bizarre.

When the plane landed, Alan couldn't wait to escape her. One day and a half had turned into some kind of alternative universe soap opera. As soon as he walked out of the customs area and into the foyer at Toronto Pearson Airport he saw Debbie's husband waiting for his wife. He waved at him and headed out the door to grab a limo ride home.

Alan walked into his condo, and immediately relaxed. He went to his computer and checked his emails. There was a couple from a woman he had been dating. She wanted to know how he had enjoyed New York and if they were going out on the weekend. There was another from the woman, Terri that he had met at the hotel from Austin, Texas, and one from a woman, Ruth, he used to date. She had broken up with her boyfriend and wanted to know if he was available to get together.

All of a sudden Alan broke out in a loud laugh. Reality hit him, he really was a Flaming Heterosexual. He also laughed because he knew in his heart and soul there was nothing wrong with that. Being a healthy heterosexual didn't mean he wanted to hustle every woman he met, or more importantly every woman he worked with.

If he had learned one thing in New York, it was to always make sure to know where your knees go under a crowded table or the consequences could get out of control in a hurry.