Only You

hello

A year later

The heart of Manhattan is pulsing with chaotic activity. The flashing signs of the malls blare their products out to the passerby, and tour buses swerve around the curbs. People shove against each other, carrying bulging shopping bags. Christmas decorations ornament the store windows, a Christmas tree glistens from behind every store door. Little children cling to the sleeves of their harried parents, following blindly, eyes shining from a world of excitement. 

The bookstore at the corner of 42nd Street is teeming with people, there are Christmas songs playing from every corner. People meander through the aisles, searching for a suitable book to wrap into a gift. Some are at the bookstore café, grabbing a coffee and a bite to eat before plunging themselves into the frenzy of shopping again. 

Jude is crouched over the cookbook section, rearranging books and pulling them forward for the best display. She pulls out a book too far by accident, and is startled by the cover. She sees the blue eyes, the red, smiling mouth, the sweep of golden hair. Then she blinks, and the woman on the cover of the cookbook is no one but another stranger. 

She glances at her watch. It was the first thing she had bought when she came to New York a year ago, windswept and without a penny to her name. She wasn't much better off since, but at least she had a job and a place to live. 

Her shift is nearly over. Since it's Christmas Eve, her boss lets her go ten minutes early, and soon Jude is walking briskly down the streets. The sky is darkening into a velvet indigo, and a flurry of snow falls over the city. 

A wrapped gift tucked under her arm, she gets on the subway and feels the city's veins pulse beneath her feet. The snow falls harder, and looking out the window, watching the buildings sweep by, it looks as if the snow is swirling around the city, as if in a minute she'll see the snow clear and the buildings transformed. 

Jude clutches the present in her hands and looks away from the window. The subway is not very crowded for such a busy night. She looks absently at a woman in a red coat. The woman does not look very tall, but she carries herself with a quiet dignity that makes Jude's heart give an odd wrench. The woman looks up and almost catches her eye. Jude looks away. 

It's almost nine when she arrives at her apartment. Her roommate, Heather, is sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette and talking to someone on the phone. Their apartment had a strict no-smoking policy, but Jude and Heather kept well under the radar by throwing open the windows whenever they smoked. Their apartment was always freezing, even though Jude could hear the little radiator in the corner of the room trying its very best to warm the place up. 

"How was work?" Heather asks as she hung up the phone. She holds out the box of cigarettes to Jude, but Jude declines. 

"Fine. Is there any food?"

"I don't think so, but you should come to the Christmas party tonight. There'll be food there."

"God. For the last time, I can't go." Jude plops onto the couch next to Heather, but smiles at her. 

"Why not? It'll be fun...just live a little, maybe you'll meet someone..."

"I don't want to meet someone."

"It's not good to spend all that time cooped up alone, Jude," Heather says. "Why don't you want to meet someone, anyway? Is there someone else you're holding up for?"

Jude doesn't reply. She grabs a blanket and wraps it around her and stares out the window at the snow. 

"Come on. Who is it?"

"She's far away now," Jude says softly. A gust of wind blows some snowflakes into the room, and they stand on her blanket, little silver sparks on wool, before melting away. She watches them until they're nothing but a sprinkle of water. 

"What's her name? I've never seen you go around with anyone."

"It was a while ago. Before I came to the city." Jude doesn't know why she's finally speaking about her to Heather--she's never mentioned her life before coming to the city to anyone else before. Maybe it was the cold loneliness of the night that made her want to talk about what she once had. Maybe that way it would feel more real. 

"Cate. Her name is Cate." Jude smiles. Just saying the word felt like the moon had risen in her heart. 

Heather is practically shaking from curiosity, but Jude doesn't say anything more. Finally Heather prompts, "what's she like? Where is she now?"

"I don't know," Jude says truthfully. Cate had never written back, or she had and her letters were never forwarded to Jude's new address. 

"Why don't you call her?"

Jude is quiet. 

"Did you guys have a falling out? Or what? Did you break up?"

"No," Jude says scornfully. You don't break up with Cate. Nothing with Cate could be reduced to something as meaningless as a breakup. Cate was the stars in the sky. Cate was infinite. 

"Well, do you miss her?"

"Of course." 

"Then call her," Heather says promptly, sitting back and crossing her arms. It was as simple as that. "The way you talk about her, Jude...even I can tell nothing's over. You should call her. At least to say Merry Christmas, or something."

"Fine," Jude says with much more conviction than she feels. 

"Good, and after you're going to the party with me."

Jude laughs. 

"I mean it!"

"Okay," Jude says, surrendering. Heather smiles in triumph and gets up to prepare for the party, while Jude turns to the phone and hovers a finger above the keyboard. She had memorized Cate's number long before, but suddenly it was as if she'd frozen in the memory. 

The truth was, Jude was still scared, still lost. She had gone to the city in the hopes of finding herself before she could make herself perfect. No matter what Cate said, she is still young and broken and she can't bear the thought that one day Cate would pull back and see her for all her imperfections. 

But was Cate willing to wait for her until she built herself up? That was what she was terrified of. 

"I wouldn't if it were me," Jude whispers to the telephone. "I understand."

She dials the number.  

With a click, someone picks up. 

"Hello?" 

Jude closes her eyes and she feels her chest release itself. 

"Hello," Jude says. "Merry Christmas."

There's a short pause. Then Cate says, "Jude?"

"Cate."

And though Jude can't see her, she knows Cate is smiling.