It's okay to not be okay

xxxxxi. mom

Mom

Our relationship was rocky

We would get in fights with each other

Sometimes over the littlest of things

That in the long run would mean nothing

Deep down I always loved you

And I knew that you always love me too

I just had a bad way of showing it

You could do things that annoy the shit out of me

Like having me wait till I turned 16 to get a new piercing

Taking my brothers side when we would get in fights over things

Getting mad at me for things I can't control

When the symptoms of a mental illness take the best of me

I can't control my emotions; they take over me

And that is when we get in fights most often

You may not want to believe what you family is

Still want to think that you have this picture-perfect family

A daughter who loves her older brother and comes to her mother for help with any of her problems

A son who chooses to be protective of his little baby sister

A spouse who wouldn't do the thing you feared most

Well, at least in this life

That want in the stars for you

You watched me have many anxiety attacks

And the only response you gave went along the lines of suck it up

Made me question the reality that was in my mind

Asked me why I thought my childhood was shit

Said 'sorry' for things that I wanted help figuring out

Now whenever someone says sorry it doesn't feel genuine to me

I just want to leave

But I know you don't want me too

Said I should follow my dreams

And then they can't be a reality because we don't live closer to the city

I may have forgiven your past actions

That doesn't mean I have forgotten

Deep down I still love you

But after all I have gone through

You should know it is hard for me to open up

And I show my love in very weird ways

Many things go on in my head

Causing me to act out in random ways

I guess all I want to say is

I'm sorry for not being the daughter you imagined since day one

I'm very fucked up in the head

Many things have gone wrong in my life

To make me feel this way

You many say I don't need to be sorry

But I can see right through the façade you put up

All the pain I have caused you

All because of what goes on inside my head

________________________________________________________________________________

I wasn't going to update again today but I just wrote this poem like 2 min ago after watching Luke Hemmings live and I cried while writing this. This one is based one my personal point of view of my mother and I's relationship, she's probably never going to see this and if my family ever reads this just know I'm okay I just need to get some things of my chest before the guilt consumes me alive.

~xx hollyandmax<3