Starboy

Chapter 74: Bright Light

Benji

So much has changed in the past year. I look back at who I was one year ago and I hardly believe it's the same person as the man who stares back at me in the mirror today.

One year ago today I was in Europe, partying hard and finding new potential hookups. I was living in my parent's house and dreading the idea of school. I felt like I was stuck and that my whole life was planned out for me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My parents had total control over me and I thought it would be that way forever. I just assumed life would be the same as it always had been — that nothing would change for me.

Here I am today, and everything is so different I can hardly believe it's all real. I finally moved out of my parents house, my dad is in jail, my mother is broke, I am studying something I actually want to pursue in life. I dropped out of business and now I am officially in the photography program. Taking pictures is my way of showing the world through my eyes. When I'm holding a camera, it's like I have a sense of control in my life, and it's so refreshing.

I am forty-two days sober and I've never been prouder of myself. Suddenly I don't understand how there was a point in my life where I needed alcohol in order to feel alive. Sometimes I'm tempted to have a drink but then I look at Brandy and remember all the pain and drama caused by drinking... and I don't care for it anymore.

And, of course, the biggest and the most important change in my life this past year: Brandy. Brandy, the girl who I've known since I was eleven years old, right when my parents were splitting up. I don't know where I would be without her.

"Get up, sleepy head," Brandy wakes me. I've actually been up for a while but I didn't want to leave the bed.

"Summer is about sleeping in, isn't it?"

"It's almost noon," she reminds me. "Come on, I want to do something fun today."

"It's a thousand degrees outside," I groan. "Let's just stay inside with the air conditioning."

"What happened to you?" She laughs. "You used to love going outside whether it was sixty degrees or a hundred."

"Well, I'm different now."

"Clearly," she says.

We take a walk on the Brooklyn Bridge in the brutal heat, and I almost forgot how hot summer in New York can be. I look over at Brandy and she looks beautiful. Her hair is wavy, her skin is actually tan — it never is — and she's wearing this slim yellow sundress.

She stops walking and looks over the edge, right at the water. She gazes her surroundings and I watch her. "Is everything okay?" I ask.

"I don't know," she says, closing one eye when the sun hits her. "There's just a lot on my mind. So much is changing and I don't know how to deal with it all."

"Are you talking about Hellen?"

She sighs before she nods. "She's my best friend. I met in her ninth grade in gym class. And then some girls were talking about her behind her back in the changing room and I told them to go hell."

"I remember that," I laugh. "You don't like to admit it but you were always fiery. And you have always been a good person."

"I don't want her to leave, Benji," she finally looks at me. "I won't know how to live my life if she leaves. I'm been dependant on her since that very first day we met four years ago. Am I horrible person for wanting her to stay after all?"

"No," I reply softly. "So you're going to tell her to stay for you? I'm sure she will love that."

She rolls her eyes. "No, I would never do that. I'm just so sad to see her go, even if it's for the best."