Maybe Someday

{OHM}

           It's hard to be in love with your best friend.

           I spend most of my time thinking "I don't want to feel this way", but keeping this feeling inside. I look at him and I wanna hug him, protect him, kiss him. I want to make myself vulnerable so he can take care of me. I want him to look at me with his sweet eyes everytime I say how important he is to me.

           I want everything.

           But I know I can't have it. My fear keeps reminding me that I can't have it all.

– Here. It's done. I can't believe you were stuck at such an easy level. You went through some worst ones. – Nanon says pausing the game and giving me back the principal console.

– Thanks. You're the best. – I could've passed this level, he's right. I just didn't want to. I wanted to see him. – I guess it was too simple so it became complicated to me.

– Makes no sense at all. – He laughs and lays his head on my bed, while I play the game again.

            There are a lot of bad feelings when you're in love with your best friend.

             First, the fear of losing the person who knows you the most, who understands and cares about you that much. Second, the constant insecurity that makes you wonder a lot of things: "why doesn't he see me as a potential boyfriend?", "what am I missing?", "does he see how much I care about him?", "am I too friendly to be something more now?".
             Third, the worst one: What if. You keep thinking and overthinking about the most different scenarios, wondering how it would be. Good ones, bad ones, chaotic ones, lovely ones. Your mind goes to the most different places but you don't move an inch.

              I thought about confessing a thousand times, in different ways and with the most different speeches. None of them were worthy enough for me to turn it into reality.

– What are you doing? – Nanon asks, startling me. – That's why you can't go on. You keep jumping recklessly. What are you thinking?

– Ahn? – I answer, pretending my mind isn't full of him. – I'm distracted. Do you wanna ask something to eat? I'm hungry.

– Actually, I think I'm going...

– Why? – I ask, forgetting to pretend I'm disappointed.

– Cause I can't live here? – He answers, smiling at me. I love his smile. I love the way he smiles at me. I love his dimples and how his eyes get smaller. I think it's the most adorable thing in the world. – I told Nonnie I would be back for dinner. – He mentions his sister and I know immediately I couldn't win.

– Okay. – I accept my defeat, watching him get up and get his stuff.

– Don't make this sad face, it's not like we're going to spend thousands of years without seeing each other. – He says. – We can eat together the day after tomorrow, what do you think? – I nod.

– There's not much options left, of course. Nonnie today, your college friends tomorrow... I should be glad you found a space in your busy schedule for me. – I don't care if I sound like a child. Nanon laughs again, passing his hand through his hair. I wish I could love him less.

– Ah, ah. Okay. Your favorite restaurant, I'll pay. Don't be like this. You can also send a message to Chimon and invite him too. I'll pay for us all. Do you see how generous I'm being right now? – I stare at him with a serious face and he laughs again. Of course I will "forget" to invite Chimon and pretend he's busy. – Well, I'm going.

– Do you want me to drive you?

– You just want an excuse to drive your baby around. – He mocks me about my car and I sigh. – No need to, it's not like I live that far. – I get up and give him a hug. I also love how Nanon smells. Like baby powder and something fresh.

– Send me a message when you're home. – I say, while he goes out and waves at me. I feel so stupid for acting like this, but... Having Nanon as a friend is way much better than not having him in my life at all.

             So I just swallow my feelings and keep wondering if... maybe someday.