Daddy [mxm]

15

I turn away, feeling like I've been shrunk into a tiny version of myself. There's no air to breathe. The chicken I ate for dinner is making a bid for freedom.

Staggering, I brace my weight against the ladder and try to collect my thoughts while the world collapses slowly around me into a heap of rubble. Time feels like quicksand slipping through my fingers; I wish I could grasp the grains. I was totally prepared to barrel through the rest of my life just pining for Rudy, not seeing anyone else, careening headlong into old age. I would've wasted it all on him.

At what point did I let my life fall away and be replaced by Rudy? Was I even planning on dating, getting married, having kids, ever? Or was the idea of riding around with Rudy for the rest of my life enough for me? What did I think, that he was going to leave his wife and kids, for me? Did I really think he loved me? Did I think I could ever be more than the married man's fucktoy, something to be used, enjoyed and discarded?

All along, I thought I was the only one who really appreciated Rudy. But others have been noticing him the entire time. And he can't seem to refuse love and affection, no matter who's offering. He's enjoyed me, Felix - and I'm convinced there were others.

My vision blurs. I stumble down from the ladder, not caring about the noise I'm making. There's a scuffle overhead, probably the culprits scrambling to redress.

"Evan!"

Rudy looks over the railing; I flee the sound of his voice. Rain dots the earth beneath my feet, mingling with the tears on my face as I run into the nearest building. Once inside the tack room, my arm shoots out to stabilize myself.

The door is flung open and I immediately cleave to the wall. Rudy takes my wrists and pins them over my head.

"Ya better not tell mah wife." His eyes are wild with desperation. I squeeze mine shut, fear of him and anger at him two opposing factions warring within me.

"Do it," I sob. "Choke me, rape me, kill me, whatever you want. Dig your own grave."

Rudy takes a step back and releases me, shaking his head.

"Evan..." he intones gravely. "This was never gonna work. Ah'm twice yer age. We ain't on an even keel, yaknow? Maturity-wise-"

"Maturity?" I cry, appalled. "You think you're the more mature one here?! You're the one who can't be committed to one person at a time! You cheat and cheat and cheat! Don't you dare try to gaslight your way out of this, telling me I'm being immature for calling you out on your bullshit behaviour-"

"Whatever happened between us happened with yer consent, Evan. I never promised ya nothin'. I never promised ya love 'n' a ring 'n' fuckin' flowers."

His eyes look cold enough to freeze a lake and I wonder how I ever saw warmth in them.

Rudy sighs.

"Evan. Look. Ah'm sorry-"

"Never talk to me again."

I close my eyes, unable to look at him standing there before me. I'm afraid if I do, I'll still see him as perfect as the day I fell in love with him - and he isn't that man.

When Rudy leaves, I collapse, sliding to the ground and sobbing with despair. The crying is ugly. It comes from a place in my heart I didn't know could be so dark. I'd rather be stabbed, over and over again, than endure the emotional anguish of this heartbreak. I'd rather die believing he loved me than continue to live knowing he doesn't.

My thoughts are a tribunal, flinging accusations at me.

I'm a home-wrecker. I fucked a married man and lost him in the end. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't hot enough. I couldn't keep him interested. God, is this how Chelsea's going to feel when she finds out? One summer. I didn't even get one whole summer.