Coasting

Chapter 22

Day 65

            A wave collapsed over me, pinning me down against the coarse sand, refusing to let me up despite my struggle. This had already happened multiple times this morning. I hadn't been able to see any of the waves coming and you'd think getting past the breaking point was as hard as running a marathon. I certainly felt like it, gasping for oxygen every time I resurfaced.

            I was trying to surf again, but it clearly wasn't working out. I felt stupid now, floundering in the shallower waters. I felt like I was just wasting my time, waiting for that moment when I would finally make it past, when things would finally get better. I was beginning to fear that that moment would never come.

            Again, I was finally released from the ocean's hold and was able to float back to the surface. I began to wheeze harshly. When the salt cleared from my eyes, I hopelessly focused on the white sand and pushed through the water as quickly as possible towards safety.

            I felt nauseous when I finally dropped my board on dry sand. My knees wobbled before giving in. I felt the soft prickles of hot sand particles sticking to my wet body as I splayed my limbs out, still struggling to catch up to my breath.

            I didn't fall asleep until four in the morning last night. It wasn't like my mind was racing or anything. In fact, it was just the opposite. It was completely blank. My head felt numb. So I tossed and turned over and over as the anxiety of silence made it hard to get comfortable.

            Now as I lay on the sand, exhaustion consuming every part of me, I found it impossible to dose off. One thought kept popping into my head.

            Day 65.

            It had become habit to keep track of the days. It was like a ticking clock always in the back of my head, floating in and out of my daily thoughts. It felt useless now, almost annoying. But I couldn't stop. The purpose it had once served now seemed distant. So much had changed.

            I remember Day 1 like it was yesterday. It was three days after I had graduated from high school. I was looking forward to spending my entire summer tanning by our pool in the backyard, reading through my pre-law book. But that was all about to change.

            I went grocery shopping with my mom around five in the afternoon, trying to pick out something to cook for dinner. She had been fawning over the entire produce section, checking each batch of fruits for the best looking one. Often times she'd look at me with two perfectly good-looking fruits in her hands. "Which one?" she'd ask with genuine concern in her eyes.

            "Mom. They're exactly the same."

            She'd wrinkle her forehead and shake her head slightly, staring down at them. "This one's a little bigger, but I just love the shape of this one."

            I'd resist an eye roll and hastily point at one of them. "This one."

            Then she'd smile at me lovingly, her eyes sparkling, and lie, "That's what I thought too."

            I could tell she was about to ask me about two different pears when her phone rang. She sighed and gently pushed the pears into my hands before digging her phone out of her purse.

            She hummed skeptically and tilted her head slightly, staring at the device as it kept ringing.

            Beginning to get annoyed from the sound, I questioned, "Who is it?"