Hope

BITTER FEELINGS

Kaveri's POV

I stood their thinking about the past and only realised that I was covered in my own vomit when a maid who works in both the houses came to clean the mess I created. I went to clean myself and only came to the living room again after I made sure that the maid went out. I locked the door as soon as she went out.

I'm embarrassed to be seen in such state. I was never like this. I felt disgusted with myself. I'm confused. I wanted someone to hold me and say that everything is fine but there is no one to hold me and nothing in my life can ever be fine.

I regret loving my husband. I hate myself for loving such a cheap man. I would have atleast tried to understand if I had any issues with my reproductive health but the problem was never that. My children were born with genetic disorders only because we were cousins. There are many cousins who got married and had healthy children in our own family. But only my life and my children's lives were destroyed by our marriage.

I want to hurt him like he hurt me. I want his life to get destroyed like mine. I hate myself for becoming like this. I was never a negative person. I always wished best for everyone but now cursing my own husband.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't have anyone. No parents. No siblings. No husband. No children. No family. Maybe I should just die and go meet my children. But what if there is no heaven or chance to meet my children. What should I do. I sat near my children for some time and later sat on the sofa and started watching random shows.

I was relieved knowing that no one again came home to disturb me. But after two days again my husband's mother came which alerted me. I still remember how she tried to convince me for my husband's second marriage.

My mother in-law smiled at me while I sat like a statue. After few formalities, she talked about my husband's political entry. He is a very famous and rich man. Even though, he was rich when we were married, after the birth of his daughter his money and fame doubled. This is the reason, everyone calls her the luckcharm of her father.

Sometimes, thinking about her makes me jealous. Even though, she is just a 3 year old child, I can't help but feel jealous. Even after my husband got married and even after his son was born, he tried to spend time with me. But after his daughter was born, he completely forgot me. Maybe, the love a man has for his daughter is the most precious one.

I don't have any memories with my father. He left the world when I was just two months old. Sometimes I feel that no love in this world can match with that of a parent's love but I also don't understand why my husband didn't love  my children just because of their disorders. Sometimes, I feel that my inauspicious presence is the reason for his death and also my children's death. One side, my husband's daughter brought luck to him and on the other side, I killed my father with my inauspicious birth.

Even though my uncle loved me and provided me with everything, I felt that somewhere deep inside he didn't love me like his own child. I still feel bitter knowing that my uncle accepted my husband's new family after the children were born. Even though, he tried to make me feel included and tried to make me get close to my husband's children, I didn't.

My husband's children may not have any fault but seeing them always reminds me of their father's betrayal. How can anyone even expect me to love them like my own children. Many of our relatives and family members including my husband and uncle suggested me to love them like my own children. I tried but I could never. They remind me of my children's death. If my husband really loved me, he wouldn't have married another woman.

I never blamed Ramya for the second marriage. I know that no woman wants to marry a man who already has a wife. She didn't even know my husband before the marriage. Their's was an arranged marriage. I don't know if she was forced or not. She always tried to maintain a good relationship with me and even tried to make her children get close to me. But, I always ignored everyone.

Seeing my silence my mother in-law said, "Just give divorce to my son. You will still be his wife. It's just for the formality. It won't be good for his reputation. He would have divorced Ramya but they have children together."

Listening to her, I felt like crying as I always loved her like my own mother but I still calmly said, "I would never divorce your son." She tried to convince me with her words but I'm no more that stupid girl who would just blindly trust her.

Understanding that she could not convince me, she tried to emotionally blackmail me and said, "You know that my son always wanted to join politics. If you really love my son, you should try to support him but here you are intentionally trying to destroy his political career. My husband and I always treated you like our own daughter. We gave you everything which we gave to our children."

This time listening to her, I couldn't stop my tears and said, "Yes! You treated me like your own daughter that you got my husband married to another woman when I needed my husband the most."

My mother in-law cried seeing me cry and said, "We really loved you and we made you our daughter in-law because we loved you but we never expected that the children would be born with such disorders."

I felt nothing seeing her cry. I sat in the same place and continued watching the show on telivision.

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